dog years: How to Reduce Stress in Five Steps From Sunday 1. When you dream, dream about being lost in an elementary school. The bell is ringing constantly. You are an adult, but the doorknobs are all high. The school is an amalgam of all the buildings you've ever been in. Just before you wake, plan on walking in on yourself having intercourse with your history teacher of the same sex.
2. Wear a shoulder holster with no pistol in it. Reach for the "invisible" gun every time some one leaves the room. If anyone comments on the holster, remind them that terrorists are in our midst and that Jesus sees everything. Conclude your statement by patting the holster and snapping your fingers at them like Pinkie Tuscadero....or was it Leather?
3. Hold your breath when you don't get your way. When you give out and have to breathe, yell out a racial epithet and push any papers or water glasses to the floor. Then leave the room.
4. When you dream,dream about being dead. You should be cautious in this endeavor. My uncle from Northern Virginia ended up dead without meaning to. But he was a big drinker and had a tumor somewhere private. So when you dream, have a little girl in your dream to follow you around reminding you that you aren't really dead. The dream will involve you lying still in the dark. You can imagine God if you'd like, but I don't advise this if you are an atheist.
5. Shave your arms. Leave the hair on your knuckles. Carry a disposable razor with you and chase any hairs you may have missed in the shower. I know this is drastic. These are drastic times. I mean, sweet Christ, have you even been watching the news?
6. Remove all of your tattoos with laser. That crap is so passe'. Eddie Vedder cut his hair, that should have told you something. So, off with the ink. I recommend using a laser like the one Val Kilmer designed in Real Genius. Hot Damn! She was a mean one....brb, phone.
7. That was mom.
8. Adopt the next thing you read on a bumper sticker as your most fervent political belief. I love this one. No really, they asked me to leave the last Darden family reunion over this one. Well, after they asked me to get dressed. I learned that a lot of people have no problem grabbing hold of you when you are naked. I think it's icky....and I was the naked one. I should tell you to keep this to yourself, but hey, half of Chatham County knows now. Are you going to eat that?
9. Call the McSweeney's guys and tell them about me. I threw my back out humping your mom last night and can't ( I stole that from Mall Rats). That guy was on dope!
10. After intercourse, leave the area immediately and go sit in your car. Listen to Steely Dan. If you fall asleep, refer to items 1 or 4.
