Post-Modern Drunk: A Jeremiad against "Happy Birthday."
I'm not a man of passionate beliefs. But one thing I do believe strongly is that we should stop singing "Happy Birthday" to people on their birthday.

Well, we shouldn't sing "Happy Birthday" at all, whether its someone's birthday or not. "Happy Birthday" is the most dour and depressing song that everyone knows. Berg, Schoenberg, or Webern couldn't write a song more atonal or dirge-like. YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO SING DIRGES FOR PEOPLE'S BIRTHDAY.

I can't think of a thing that I willingly endure more regularly that causes me more pain that listening to people sing "Happy Birthday." Maybe the spinal tap I received while I was hospitalized. It's a toss-up.

Yes, you mean well. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, and sound-tracked with "Happy Birthday" on repeat.

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