 |
Post-Modern Drunk: New York Values
Ted Cruz, in his quixotic attack on Donald Trump, declared that he is against New York values, and that New York values are not Iowan values.
Now, I've lived in New York and I've lived in Iowa, and I've lived in other places in the Midwest, so I think I can talk a little bit about New York values vs Non-New York Values.
New York Values
- Walking fast
- Standing on the right, walking on the left
- Only being seated when your entire party has arrived.
- Asking people what they pay for their apartments ten minutes after meeting them.
- Arguing about whether you should toast a bagel and about how much cream cheese is the right amount.
- Not ever knowing your neighbors name, but definitely not caring if they're gay, or a different color, or a different religion, or even if they're Republican, as long as they turn their music down eventually.
- Paying over $100 a person for the best food you've ever had
- Paying only $2 for the best food you've ever had, from a cart, under a subway stop, even if you can't pronounce it properly.
- Never taking leftovers home
- Being able to get home at any time of the night no matter how drunk you are.
- A general understanding that immigration is why our meals are so good and why our restaurants succeed.
Non New York Values
- Taking up the entire sidewalk walking abreast.
- Separate checks for everyone.
- Still saying the word "homos"
- Caring deeply if your neighbor is even a different offshoot of the same sect of the same religion as you.
- Paying $6 for the same fast food you can get anywhere else in the country.
- Drunk Driving
- Caring deeply about incandescent bulbs for some asinine reason.
- Wearing your backpack on your front.
- Crocs
- Terror at people from another country, or even another county.
