Post-Modern Drunk: An Open Letter to Kanye West
Mr. West,

Congratulations on your recent string of successes. I hear your albums are still selling well, and you're going to grace the cover of Rolling Stone this week. From what I hear, you're helping to take rap in a new direction and open up new avenues for white suburban boys to live vicariously in ways that aren't Will Smith-y. You are an inspiration to us all. But some of your recent actions have raised a number of questions in my mind--many Jesus related. I would love for you to address these questions next time you have a moment.

1. In this week's issue of Rolling Stone, you are appearing wearing a crown of thorns in an article called "The Passion of Kanye West." Are you aware that this crown of thorns motif is one of the most over-done images of all time for anyone who is remotely controversial or beleaguered? It might just be a little hackneyed by now. Also, are you aware that one of the last men to appear in Rolling Stone dressed as Jesus was Terence Trent D'Arby? Aren't you worried this might be the kiss of death?

Other religious figures you might consider dressing as, if you want to shake things up a little bit:

• Buddha (in the lotus position)
  
• Krishna (blue skinned, surrounded by beautiful cowherds)
  
• Mohammed (however you like--Muslim's are forbidden to make images of him--just make sure everyone knows that's who you are)
  
• L. Ron Hubbard
  
• Cthulhu.

2. In your song "Jesus Walks," you sing "you can rap about anything except for Jesus," as sort of an ironic metacomment on the fact you were rapping about Jesus. You realize, of course, that even as hyperbole, this is patently false.

Things Harder to Rap About than Jesus:

• The importance of double-entry bookkeeping and the rise of Accounting as a profession
  
• The dining habits of the Etruscans
  
• Anything in Esperanto that doesn't involve "fiki."
  
• Lettering in Chess and Yearbook back in high school
  
• Your evening watching "Must See TV," relaxing with a nice pinot noir and a good wheel of Camembert, before going to bed at 10pm for a night of sensual massage and tender lovemaking with Armando, your lover of three years.

3. When you accurately exclaimed "George W. Bush doesn't care about black people," during the Katrina Benefit Special, was that primarily an attempt to goad Mike Myers into a demonstration of his improv skills, perhaps forcing him to use an Aramaic accent? If so, are you disappointed by his sticking to the script?

4. Do you realize "The way Kathy Lee needed Regis that's the way I need Jesus," might in fact be the worst example of gibbarding in contemporary rap music out there? How does this make you feel?

5. Do you ever have trouble spelling "Kanye," Mr. West? I often transpose letters when writing out my name--do you do that too?

Sincerely,
Stu
Post-Modern Drunkard

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