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Post-Modern Drunk: Shot in the Face And You're To Blame
Maybe it's because I'm housebound and spend an inordinate amount of time reading the Internet and the newspaper and Gothamist, and just sitting around passively collecting information...basically, I've turned into a more high tech version of Jimmy Stewart in Rear Window, without Grace Kelly (I don't want to diminish Giff, though. She is lovely and supportive and in every way Grace Kelly's equal in my estimation). And what I've noticed in the last week or two is a rather alarming rash of people being shot in the face in my neighborhood and the surrounding neighborhoods.
Since I have some free time, I'd like to make it clear to my readers, and hopefully the members of my neighborhood who read this blog, that there are times where it is acceptable to shoot someone in the face and times where it definitely is not. I do this partially out of selfish reasons. As a physically weak white boy in a slowly gentrifying neighborhood, it can be guessed accurately that I am oftentimes carrying $100 in cash, an iPod, iPhone, and am vulnerable to being shot in the face, having no special invulnerabilities or superpowers. Selfishness isn't my own reason, though. I genuinely don't like to hear about being being shot in the face.
I would also like to point out that I am against being shot in places other than the face; the face just seems especially vulnerable these days, so that's what I'm focusing on, as the bullets appear to be focusing on the the face as well. I do not condone neck/torso/ass/gut/etc shootings either.
Invalid Reasons to Shoot Someone In the Face
*They are a 9 year old boy biking past you while you are having a dispute with someone you don't like over drugs.
*You don't want to pay the $9.80 fare, split three ways, that the cab driver is requesting of you for the cab ride you just took.
*You are "playfully pointing" your gun at your 18-year old cousin who just graduated from high school. Seriously, you're 18 fucking years old. By now you should realize that you don't "playfully" point a gun at someone and pull the trigger. There is literally no reason to do that. None. And if you own a gun, you should know that if you take out the magazine, THERE IS STILL A BULLET IN THE CHAMBER, AND THAT BULLET WILL SHOOT IF YOU PULL THE TRIGGER, YOU FUCKING RETARD! And when that bullet shoots, it'll come spinning out of the gun and strike your cousin, who will then die. Fuckhead.
Valid Reasons to Shoot Someone In the Face
*They are trying to shoot you in the face.
*They are trying to shoot someone you love in the face.
*Shooting them in the face will directly prevent war, which would involve many people being shot in the face with either conventional or nuclear weapons.
As you can see, there are not many valid reasons for shooting someone in the face, and they're pretty straightforward. In general, however, just remember, shooting people in the face is wrong, and you can't go wrong not shooting someone in the face, for the most part. The exceptions are pretty straightforward as well, so it won't take much to memorize them, either.
Thank you, and I hope this helps you in your further endeavors.
