 |
honky cracker: Tee-Vee, Here I Come
Hi.
How are you?
That's good. Better than bad, I guess.
Me? I'm OK. Been busy, you know. Lots of here, lots of there. Haven't been around much lately.
It's nice to see you, though. You look good!
Okay, now that THAT'S out of the way...
You know, it seems to me that since the day I was born people have been complaining about television. "TV rots your brain" or "You'll get radiation poisoning if you watch too much TV!" or "I can't believe they allow that stuff on the airwaves!" Crap like that.
I always dismissed as Grandma Talk - you know, the old ladies and the blue-hairs bitchin' about that newfangled device-slash-fad all the kids are into.
But now I'm starting to agree with them. And the straw that broke this camel's back is "Wife Swap".
Have you heard about this show? I think I must've been the last person to hear about it. But yeah, it's a reality show where husbands swap wives and the wives switch families and the like.
Now, I'll admit, I've never understood things like "open marriages" and "key parties". Call me old fashioned, but I've always felt that when you actually go through with marrying someone, it's because you love them so much that you want to spend the rest of your life with them and never want them to leave you. Then suddenly you're trading your wife in to test-drive a different model? How can this not end in disaster for everyone involved. Relationships questioned, families split apart... I just don't get it.
And now we get to watch it all unfold on network television.
This is great news. Finally we've entered the ERA where TV executives can pretty much fuck around with people's lives however they want if they throw a little cash around. You know, I've had some ideas for new reality TV shows myself. I never thought anyone would ever pick 'em up 'cuz they tend to be a little on the sadistic side. But what the hey? Anything goes, right?
Here are a few of the ideas I've been kicking around. What do you think?
MEDICINE SWAP
Our Medicine Swap Crew has transformed this former small-town junior high school into a phony nursing phony. Yes, it's phony - but we're not telling our new clients, are we?
We've taken our clients' prescription medication away from them and secretly switched them with another client's medication. All of our client's will be medicated - that's for sure - but (and here's the kicker) NOT WITH THEIR OWN MEDICINE!
Watch hilarity ensue as George, our 83-year-old diabetic with a heart condition, takes Victor's generic Viagra INSTEAD of his nitroglycerine. Good times!
BUM SWAP
Bob Carroll has worked hard all his life to save up for his dream home. He's got it all - the house, a gorgeous young wife, and a baby son on the way.
Unbeknownst to him, our crack staff has stolen Bob's identity and ruined his credit rating, withdrew all the money from is bank accounts, and are sleeping with his wife. Everything Bob has ever worked for is gone!
Watch hilarity ensue as Bob loses his house, his job, and his family and must adjust to life on the streets - alone. Watch him pick through trash and play "Is This Sandwich Crust Edible?" Be careful Bob - a wrong guess COULD land you in the hospital with severe food poisoning! Oh, that's right. You don't have health and medical insurance anymore, Bob!
Uh-oh Spaghetti-O's!
SPOC(k)
What is SPOC(k), you asked? It's COPS spelled backwards, with a "k" added for effect.
"What effect?" you ask?
We've given Leonard Nimoy a gun, a badge, a cruiser, and a whole lot of ragin' redneck attitude. We're setting him loose on the streets of Compton, LA and Albuquerque New Mexico to rid these neighborhoods of their pesky spouse-abusing, noise-violating, crack smoking troublemakers.
Leonard Nimoy. Because the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. Coming this fall to FOX.
WHO WANTS TO CARRY JOE MILLIONAIRE?
Theodore Barrows is 52, a multi-millionaire tycoon, and dying of cancer.
Watch hilarity ensue as twelve women compete to become the one woman who will carry Theodore's child and only living relative - the sole heir to his fortune.
What we didn't tell the women is that Theodore is actually flat-ass broke, and tens of thousands of dollars in debt - meaning that the unborn child, as Theodore's only living relative - must assume the debt and pay it off... FOR THE REST OF ITS NATURAL LIFE!
Watch even more hilarity ensue as our lucky winner conceives the child, Theodore dies, and our winner finds out the truth - all in a matter of minutes!
Oh, and before all you network execs try to steal my idea - every concept in this post is copyrighted to Happyrobot 2004, as part of the quasi-legal terms of service thingy. So don't even try and anything.
