honky cracker: You. Us. Cage Match. Bring Your Honkies. We Will Crack Them. NAME: The Honkycracker HEIGHT AND WEIGHT: 5'6, 160 lbs. ORIGINS: Parts Unknown, 67 East Broad Street, Plainville, CT 06062 FINISHING MOVES: On male opponents: The Honky Cracker (a variation on Chris Jericho's "Walls of Jericho" with one modification -- Honkycracker plants his left boot firmly into the genitals of his opponent.) On female opponents: The Shocker. (Two in the pink, one in the stink.)
CAREER HIGHLIGHTS
Has won numerous World and Intercontinental titles -- despite his relatively small size -- by wrestling almost exclusively with his left foot and fore, middle, and pinky fingers. Shrank Hulk Hogan's famous 24-inch pythons down to a meager 6 inches. Avenged his now infamous loss to Maya Angelou in a bra-and-panties match by making her tap out to The Shocker live on pay-per-view. Have you noticed that Chyna doesn't wrestle anymore? Yeah. That was Honkycracker. Thoroughly trounced that pussy Tom Robbins in a Frog Pajamas Match. (Robbins had pissed off The Honkycracker on Raw the previous week while giving a shoot interview speaking entirely in the second person.)
CAREER GOALS
Obsessed with the notion of traveling back in time just to make Gertrude Stein and Stone Cold Sylvia Plath submit to The Shocker Similarly obsessed with massacring the McSweeneys Boys in a steel cage match.
THE HONKYCRACKER ON THE MCSWEENEYS BOYS
"Eggers. Eggers. Eggers. Everywhere I go it's Eggers, Eggers, Eggers. I hear your name in my sleep. You haunt my in my dreams. In my nightmares. In my alphabet soup. They say you're the best, Eggers. They say that you and your boy Pollack are unbeatable. They call you the kings of the internet literary world. Just wait 'til you get a load of the Honkycracker. Eggers, I will reduce you to a a heartbreaking work of quivering tears-and-bile omelette. Just like I did to Robbins. Just like I did to Angelou. And just like I'd do to Stein and Plath if I ever get the chance. I will smoke you like yesterday's pack of cigarettes. And when I'm done with you, I'll flick you out on the street so you don't stink up my apartment. I will rock you like Amadeus. So whatcha gonna do, McSweeneys? Whatcha gonna do when the Honkycracker cracks honky ALL OVER YOU?!?!?"
