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Klutch.xls: Janie Porche Week: Day 2
Janie Porche arrived at the Hartford Civic Center two full hours before she would be asked to perform: she wanted to practice the Nation's Anthem with Stevie Wonder before going live. This would be her first appearance since transfering to the University of Connecticut the previous fall. She didn't mind being early, in fact she had always taken pride in her reputation as a "go-getter!" Besides, she also needed time to set up her station on press row as she would be commentating the men's basketball game for the student run radio station.
The lights dim, Janie's dad pulls out his digital camera, web cam and powerbook in order to broadcast his daughters performance live on the HappyRobot: automatically. The crowd goes wild for the innovative eleven minute performance.
The first half of the game is played at a brisk Husky pace. Janie, calling both color and play-by-play, lets words trip off her tongue with the same grace and ease as the lithe Husky guards and forwards. During half time, she solicits the crowd for donations to her new fund for Cancer stricken children, and races back to her roadcast seat to interview alums Ray Allen and Richard Hamilton. With only seconds before the start of the second half, she answers her cell phone and grants ESPN permission to carry her audio feed on national television.
Players run the court with passion, arms flail and legs start to fail. In crunch time the two best teams in the nation trade baskets in one of the highest scoring games in modern NCAA history. The opposition leads by three with the ball but sends an errant pass into the stands. Coach Calhoun calls his last time-out and gathers his UCONN Husky team on the sideline. As he looks down the bench, he sees glazed eyes, hanging tongues, large grown men grasping at their shorts searching for any oxygen they can find. When there are no more players at the end of the bench, Calhoun keeps searching and catches the eager gaze of JUCO transfer, Janie Porche. "This is your shot, kid" he yells to the buxom star of Apple switch ads "if you're gonna break the sex barrier in men's collegiate sports. . . you're gonna do it tonight. It's going to be on my watch." "But I have to call the end of the game coach." "I've got three all-american guards who I'd rather have call the rest of the game than take this shot. Janie, it's time to make the switch!"
Janie was ready. She had made the switch from Windows to Macintosh . . . she would make the switch from female commentator to gender bending superstar . . .automatically.
Porche took the inbounds pass as the clock wound down to 3 seconds. She dribbled up the left sideline, crossed over causing her defenders ankles to break, made the opposing small forward eat court and launched a three which sailed throught the air for eternity. As the ball swished through the net, Janie felt a hand on her wrist and heard the faint sound of a whistle through the roaring crowd. She had been fouled.
Perspiration formed on her hairless upper lip. Coyly she blew a strand of hair from her face and scored the game winning free throw, winning another national championship.
Fans rushed the court and a reporter from the Sporting News sprinted to her side.
"You are an absolute hero! What can you possibly tell us after such an historic performance?"
She closed her eyes, then opened them wide: "I'm Janie Porche, and I saved the UCONN men's basketball team!"
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