I want it in winter. In an unheated (so everyone must pay attention-- too many weddings are stifling) warehouse where the light gets diffused by dirty windows thirty feet high. Or a manger complete with animals (ie; "who takes this woman..." and the donkey mischievously brays). After the place is heated with charcoal outdoor heaters, like in nice outdoor restaurants.
I want the room to smell like witch-hazel and bay leaves.
Decorations would be reminiscent of an art installation: I like railroad trestles or just railroad-y type stuff, but done up in a hauntingly still, ghosts of Americana past sort-of-feel. Train ties can symbolize marital ties; for those of you that simply must make sense of things.
Vows would include, "Do you solemnly swear that you are not getting married because all your friends are now married? Or for financial benefit? Or that having children will not fuck things up forever and ever?"
Wedding party gifts will be those erotic/astrological coins that depict some adventurous sex act on one side, while on the other is one of the signs of the Zodiac. Do you know the coins I'm talking about?
For the first dance, I would like that crazy Vince Guiraldi number from "Charlie Brown Christmas" so that we can all do the various Peanuts dances.
For music, I would like an old-time/bluegrass band that plays no songs relating to Jesus or heaven in any way.
It will be cold enough to keep a keg or two of beer in the corner; champagne on an old card table.
If space provides, there might be a sliding board; tall and metal.
