Batman was my father. Our relationship was never great. I was a disappointment. I think that's why he always had a ward in the house. I was never Robin. I tried on the suit once and it just felt so very wrong. Like dirty wrong.
I never liked solving crimes. Detective work, on the whole, did not appeal to me. It was boring...almost as boring as the hand-to-hand combat training. Many people have approached me and thought that it was so cool that I was taught to fight by Batman but let me tell you, it was a drag. Think of something you hate to do. Physics problems in high school? That was bad. Well, imagine having Richard Feynman teach you physics. Still sucks, doesn't it? Yeah. It does.
In a strange way, I think I could have pleased him a little if I had turned to a life of crime. That would have shown a little interest in his life, a madness to match his own. But -- I don't know -- it just seemed so lame. It was the early nineties, all the good supervillain concepts were taken, what was I going to call myself, Tetris? Grunge the Destroyer? The Iron Sheik? And for what, really? If I succeeded, I'd get a little gelt; if I fail, my own dad kicks my ass up and down the block. All around me, friends were getting rich in totally legal ways; they made it look easy; well, at least easier than outsmarting fucking Batman.
The fact is, all I ever wanted to do was hang out and enjoy the privileges of wealth. We had a sweet life in Wayne Manor. Huge grounds, swimming pool, butler - it was amazing. I could have friends over at night and dad and his little butt-boy would be out fighting crime, so we could do whatever wanted, drink beer, watch porn, get high, name it. One time, me and these two guys ordered like 50 pizzas - for just the two of us! With a life like that, why would I ever want to "fight crime?" Lame.
Now he's gone and everyone is trying to cash in. Batman toothbrushes, Batman sleeping bags, Batman flashlights. He's played on the screen by Christian Bale. Christian Bale? Are you fucking kidding me? Have you ever met my father, The Batman? He is no more Christian Bale than Richard Gere (or Christian Bale, for that matter) is Bob Dylan.
I don't see a cent of course. No one ever figured out dad's secret identity - so there's no legal connection between me and the Batman estate. Not that I'm complaining; the Wayne fortune keeps me pretty well-kept in video games and Cheetos.
I guess it's just the principle that burns me. I'm a pretty principled guy. I guess I take after my dad that way.
