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ornithopter: NY Real Estate Tips |
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Just a few tips for the New York real estate brokers posting ads on Craigslist:
1. We all know by now that "cozy" means tiny in real estate speak. Don't be frontin'. Also along those lines: 650 sq feet is not "huuuuge." How about "not tiny, but really not that big, either?"
2. Bushwick is not Williamsburg no matter how much you want it to be or how many times you put the word "hip" in your ad. And there is no such place as "East Williamsburg." "South Park Slope" is Sunset Park. Bed-Stuy is not Fort Greene, Clinton Hill or Prospect Heights.
3. "Rooms" are not the same as "bedrooms." Just because an apartment has 3 rooms in it does not make it a 3 bedroom apartment, especially when one of those rooms is the kitchen.
4. Please check your spelling. I do not want to live in a rent "stabalized" apartment. It's "luxury" not "luxuary." And let's not even get into your incredibly loose definition of luxury. A neighborhood or building can be quiet, but it cannot be "quite" unless it is something else. "Quite ugly?" "Quite seedy?" "Quite overpriced?"
5. Just because you can walk into a closet does not make it a "walk-in closet." And what the hell is a "walk-in apartment?" Is there any other kind? Are there actually apartments that you have to climb into, or perhaps be dropped from the air? "Hey, dude, I got this great deal on an apartment in a hip part of East Williamsburg. The only problem is, you have to swim through a pipe to get into it. But that's why it's such a good deal."
6. I am immediately suspicious of any ad that contains more than 3 exclamation points. Also, quit yelling.
7. "Steps from everything" is either incredibly obvious - everything is some amount of steps from somewhere else. In theory, I am steps from New Mexico. You don't see me walking there, though - or an anomaly of physics. You can't be (a small number of) steps from everything. Unless the universe has totally collapsed in upon itself and I'm not aware of it. In that case, my apologies, Einstein.
8. Gut renovation is not a selling point, at least for me. Does anyone think it's a good thing to rip all of the character out of a building and throw up some flat white walls and a "beautiful marble bath?" Yuk.
9. It totally sucks that NYC is apparently the only place in the world where the tenant has to pay the broker fee. In every other civilized place in the world, the landlord pays the fee. Which also makes the ridiculously high rents all the more galling.
10. What the hell is wrong with my dog? You've never even met him. He's a good boy. And he's a hell of a lot less destructive than my cats, and yet most places take cats, but very few allow dogs, or allow them with a huuuuuge (really) security deposit. Stick it, dog haters.
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