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what would matt johnson do?

Friends. i know these are trying times for all of us. and sometimes, i'll be honest, i feel like i am not going to make it. and when that happens, i look down on my wrist at my bracelet and ask "what would matt johnson do?"

well, after asking that and then realizing that i had no idea what matt johnson would do, i thought i'd ask him. and you can, too.

WWMJD is his significant other had a huge spare bedroom and needed a roommate but kinda never asked you to move in?
in need of a bigger apartment - 7/29/2003 10:34:44 AM

Matt Johnson would use sexual politics to shift power into his court, and then make a move-in inevitable. However, in this case, i advise the age old wisdom handed down from our dear friend pony: "Hold tight, Monkey!"
if matt johnson worked a lousy afterschool job in a crappy corporate bookstore, would he swipe poetry anthologies and victorian anonymous erotica for his best friend?
sage folly, eh? - 7/28/2003 9:44:42 AM

Oh, yes. Yes, he would.
Is it so wrong to drink alone?
binx - 7/28/2003 9:42:06 AM

Matt Johnson never drinks alone.
how old are you? did you fall off your 4 wheeler

somebody - 7/2/2003 9:44:42 PM

31. No. ... Uh, I mean, I don't HAVE a 4 wheeler.
WWMJD if he got stoned and watched Big Wednesday?
jason - 7/2/2003 9:44:07 PM

what's Big Wednesday?
What would you do if a friend from out of town were sleeping on your couch, and then in the middle of the night discovered that dream about peeing in the river was no dream at all?
not laura - 5/20/2003 10:26:49 AM

Listen, bedwetter. I love that couch, don't "spray your territory" while you're up here! OK? Anyway, I thought TIM was the bedwetter.
I like to mow my lawn naked. My boyfriend says he has lost some of his "respect" for me after seeing me mow the lawn. I am not unattractive. What would Matt do? Continue to mow naked, dump the boyfriend, or have him mow the lawn? Any other suggestions?
birdie - 5/15/2003 1:30:06 PM

Any boy that loses respect for you after seeing you naked should be dumped. You should then move in next to me, and continue mowing the lawn naked.
Would MJ pay a quater to gain access to the internet in a portable lavatory to uh, do some business?
binx - 5/14/2003 1:18:59 PM

Not on your life, the only way an internet connection is getting into my bathroom is if there is a webcam in there and i'm getting paid big bucks.
did you poop in school?
WWMP? - 4/22/2003 2:31:06 PM

no, those bathrooms were nasty, dude.
When would matt do his taxes?
The15thAlready?! - 4/15/2003 4:17:36 PM

Today, of course!
Has Matt ever had Georgia tomato-based barbe que on a bun? If so, would he prefer this type of barbeque as does kristen? Also, is matt pespsi or coke (i, coke) hamlet or antigone? no or greek chorus? and most importantly salt works or taste of country?
Kristen martin - 4/8/2003 8:48:47 AM

Yes, No, Coke, Hamlet, Greek Chorus, Salt Works.
Who wins in a fight: Hannibal Lecter, Hannibal from the A-Team, or Hannibal the Carthaginian general?
Ish - 3/4/2003 4:28:43 PM

I'm gonna have to go wtih Hannibal Lecter. Even though A-Team Hannibal has Mr. T, he was still in breakfast at Tiffany's. And that other Hannibal just kept getting beaten by the romans until he commited suicide. sounds like a pussy to me.
If I asked you "what time is it now?" How could you possibly give me a correct answer?
fred - 2/25/2003 11:44:52 AM

By stopping time. But this is hardly a question about what I would do. Let's keep things on track, people.
WWMJD, I think I'm lost in Jersey. All I can see is Nail Salons. It was so innocent .. beer .. a comment "she's cute and her accent isn't that bad". Now I'm in Jersey believing that security just isn't tight enough around Manhattan.
SW - 2/25/2003 11:44:03 AM

Matt Johnson tries to avoid New Jersey as much as possible.
What would you do if someone offered you a new braclet? What would you want it to say this time?
queenie - 2/12/2003 1:57:12 PM

What would Matt Johnson do if he was in Toronto in Febuary (and there was no Pony)
snotty McSnotSnot - 2/11/2003 10:22:31 AM

I wouldn't go to a Ponyless Toronto. I also don't recommend going in February. With that said, "HAVE FUN!"
What would you do with the inventor of Pop-Ups if you had him locked in the trunk of yourn car?
Jeff - 2/11/2003 10:19:05 AM

I would just drive the car off the Williamsburg bridge.
WWMJD if an X-coworker told him that she liked getting "it" up the butt?
Cheesehead - 1/28/2003 10:38:37 AM

He would stare in awe.
What would you do if you were offered $500,000 for one of your testicles? Would the answer be different if for some reason you had a total of three?
mosel - 1/28/2003 10:37:11 AM

i would turn down such an offer. My testicles are worth far more than half a million dollars. ESPECIALLY if I had three.
So, What would you do if your friend pissed you off, so you decided that to get back at him you would make up some rumors about him having, oh, let's say nuclear weapons. If he said he was sorry, would you still bomb him?
Geroge - 1/14/2003 2:06:02 PM

Probably not.
my tummy hurts and i am stuck in connecticut with a one hour train ride ahead of me. I wish hours ago I had written you and said, "should i eat this chicken-salad sandwhich or not?"
pants don't fail me now - 1/14/2003 2:01:49 PM

sit in an aisle seat.
if you suddenly found out you were being interviewed on national t.v. about how you feel about your crappy job, what would you do?
stizzewart lizittle - 1/14/2003 2:01:23 PM

Just let 'er rip, I say.
it's 2003. what do I do now?
Luc - 1/6/2003 9:03:17 AM

I'm gonna party like it's 1999.
can i crash at your place?
raj mahmood syed - 1/6/2003 9:02:41 AM

why not.
do you think the power company would get my electricity turned on faster if I hunted them down and gave them all a world famous BJ or threatened them with a weapon? what to do...
yve - 12/10/2002 11:40:09 AM

negative reinforcement never works with me. So, I think you should go with the blow job.
your dead
mighty - 12/3/2002 12:08:42 PM

my dead what? learn to spell jackass
why'd you steal my name cock smoker!!! ;) betcha you've heard that one a couple times by now. :) but seriously i don't know why the hell i bothered typing my name into a search engine, i'm gonna go slit my wrists & dance naked under the glistning moonlight
matt johnson - 12/3/2002 12:08:11 PM

you do that. at least, then there'll be one less of us.
Salary negotiations: go for more salary or go for a higher bonus rate?
b - 12/3/2002 12:07:18 PM

Matt, which would make a better Christmas gift? The Ed Harris video collection, or blunt force head trauma?
Indy car champ Bobby Rahol - 11/30/2002 6:55:46 PM

go for the head trauma.
hey my name is matt johnson too! how many matt johnsons are there in the world?
Matt - 11/30/2002 6:55:32 PM

too many.
What is so out of style with corduroy cargo pants? I wear them every day and no one seems to see my mad style...HELP!
Martha Stewart's evil great-aunt from Pensacola - 11/18/2002 3:47:17 PM

nothing. it's just. well. um, they make you look fat.
Am I getting a cold?
mucusy - 11/18/2002 3:45:35 PM

yes. and don't give it to me!
curious - 11/18/2002 10:22:11 AM

Are girls worth it?
twist - 11/4/2002 2:58:28 PM

some of them,, the problem is to find them.
So, how does it feel to finally have a nemesis?
son of slammy - 11/4/2002 2:57:39 PM

it feels good.
During the Great Purge of 2002 (initiated by Mr. Kinsella and Mr. Lawton according to Mr. Lawton's five year plan) - who do you want to survive the purge?
Pat - 10/31/2002 9:43:53 AM

pretty much everyone.
Anna Nicole Smith or Pamela Anderson ?
PT - 10/31/2002 9:42:25 AM

I'd rather take Evan Smith, and P.T. Anderson.
Would Matt Johnson give me his Chevy Impala?
For real, can I have it?
anne - 10/28/2002 2:40:31 PM

sure, why not.
Let's say you went on a first date Saturday night. It went pretty well, or so you think, and the best night to havedate #2 would be Tuesday. So do you break the Swingers rule and call on Monday, or wait?
cronkyhacker - 10/28/2002 2:40:09 PM

call her.
You're travelling through the space time continuum and feel a "bump" - should you go back to see if you just ran over something, or keep on going?
Q - 10/28/2002 12:27:25 PM

Don't look back.
Matt, is there a female equivalent of you?
mattea - 10/28/2002 12:25:03 PM

I don't know. I don't know if that would be exciting or frightening. Probably both.
How many Matt Johnson's will it take to rid the world of normal people?
Matt Johnson - 10/24/2002 8:20:31 PM

How can I be sure you are genuine? To test that you are a true Matt Johnson, like myself, I ask you this: What is the one thing we want on our birthday, but fail to achieve. Answer immediately. Matt Johnson, #1.
Your nemesis. MATTJOHNSON - 10/24/2002 8:20:06 PM

world domination
Scotch or Bourbon?
chris - 10/24/2002 8:19:45 PM

How's Tim?
hcir - 10/14/2002 2:57:07 PM

Any thoughts on the War on Iraq?
Q - 10/14/2002 2:56:16 PM

no.seriously, no. ask me about girls. I have lots of thoughts about girls.
Blissfull ignorance or tortured enlightenment?
poison ivy - 10/14/2002 2:54:43 PM

I'm gonna have to go with tortured enlightenment, even though I have often wished for the alternative.
why was "burning blue soul" left out of your receintly released box set?
jon matson - 10/11/2002 3:31:42 PM

wrong matt johnson.
2b or not 2b?
drawboard - 10/11/2002 3:31:20 PM

What would you do if your Ball-Nemesis were to suddenly and without warning, give up his chase for your elusive and apparently genuine testicles?
not your balls - 10/11/2002 3:30:53 PM

Life must go on, but these are sad days without pat.
I was worried about this comment:
But I like to see the IT guys squirm. They are evil. Until I saw the secret Yeah, YOU PAT!

So, are you against *all* IT guys or just Pat?
Another IT guy - 10/8/2002 12:21:21 PM

If you're not evil, you're not a true IT guy at heart.
As a Johnson, I have been offended by Pat.
Should I rip his "camel nuts" out and have him to chew on them, or cook them like meatballs ?
MJohnson - 10/5/2002 7:25:09 PM

um. this makes little sense.
What would Matt do if he was being chased by a swarm of killer bees in a desert?
Me Again - 10/5/2002 7:24:44 PM

If there's anything I've learned from cartoons, it's that there are plenty of oasises in the desert. So I would look for one and jump in the pond until the bees flew over.
Monday or Tuesday?
Mr. Man - 10/5/2002 7:20:24 PM

happy birthday, slut!
adam nunziato - 10/2/2002 3:06:41 PM

thanks, jackass.
What would you do if you were being run over by a large red elephant?
Roopy - 9/30/2002 10:24:44 AM

Pretend I was a mouse.
Pat calls off the war on your balls. What do you do? What DO you do?
keanu - 9/30/2002 10:24:24 AM

I call Pat a fool for giving up his key to fame.
Paternity Suit or Birthday Suit?
Vanny Goat - 9/25/2002 9:32:11 AM

Birthday Suit!
What's better as a love lubricant, lighter fluid or Pop Rocks candy?
boy natural - 9/25/2002 9:30:22 AM

Whoa, Danger Dick! I think you need to be a little more careful down there.
have you ever turned water into wine
mary - 9/25/2002 8:15:09 AM

Only when wooing girls
what were the results of putting vodka in a humidifier?
stickywallz - 9/25/2002 8:09:30 AM

Moist and happy.
Let's say, for purely conversational reasons, that you were going to get kicked in the balls. Would you want this to happen in Germany or Japan?
John Lawton - 9/25/2002 5:54:27 AM

um. Japan, I guess.
Red or Blue?
twitchy - 9/16/2002 6:00:10 PM

Start another company? Take a high paying, but possibly annoying, contract? Or just fuse the PS2 controller to my hands.
Van - 9/16/2002 4:10:06 PM

I'm going the "high paying, annoying contract" route. I've got bills to pay.
What would Jesus do.... for a Klondike bar?
emohn - 9/13/2002 1:21:18 PM

What do you think of infomercials?
Alyssa Koch - 9/8/2002 6:59:12 PM

Sometimes the are all that is on. And I admit it, I watch them then.
A friend of mine was recently outed in Germany. For the sake of argument, let's just call him Pat Kinsella, even though that probably isn't his real name...probably. What do I do next time I catch him ogling my junk?
Mike Olofson - 9/3/2002 12:49:00 PM

I would step to his eggs, if i caught him ogling MY junk!
Will you be angry when I finally kick you in the balls? Will you seek retribution?
Pat - 8/30/2002 11:03:00 AM

We all know you're not going to kick me in the balls! you wuss.
let's say your dot-bomb job finally came to a close and aside from sending off resumes and spending an inordinate amount of time on robot chat, you have nothing else to do. what would you recommend as a hobby?
i think you know - 8/21/2002 8:50:00 AM

you could sell the scooters and video game systems around the office to people on the street.
Would you consider yourself bellicose? If so to what extent?
Demosthenes - 8/10/2002 8:56:00 AM

i've never started a war. and i avoid quarrels at all costs. except in pat's case.
Matt should I get a saltwater tropical fishtank or a freshwater tropical fishtank?
Paul the fishman's brother AKA the fishmonger - 8/10/2002 8:55:00 AM

freshwater. saltwater is too much work. i hate coming home to a floating dead fish in the tank. death in the house is a depressing thing. so puhleeeeze be careful with those guys.
Kick in the balls or Kick in the teeth?
kicker - 8/10/2002 8:52:00 AM

Has Matt become a voracious lover now that he's in spain? are you dancing the forbidden dance?
WalkAMileinmypants - 8/7/2002 7:03:00 AM

of course, why should things change just because he's gone to Spain?
Your in Tangiers with Lawton? Which do you think he'd go for: a) large amounts of hash or b) amazing moroccan food?
not pat - 8/7/2002 7:02:00 AM

how is sex in spain
cluh - 8/4/2002 1:17:00 PM

i don't know yet.
Meatloaf sandwich or pulled pork sandwich?
some guy - 8/4/2002 1:17:00 PM

pulled pork.
Who would win this 3 way race:
Conger, waist deep in water,
Lawton with brand new sneakers,
Matt Johnson being aggressively pursued by an angry ball kicking Pat?
Vanilla Coke - 7/31/2002 2:05:00 PM

I'm gonna vote for Lawton on this one. You'll never see me run from Pat.
If my evil robot masters were to ever get a stinky, slobbery, fuzzy puppy what type of revenge do you suggest insticate?
kero robot kitty - 7/31/2002 2:04:00 PM

There is always, pissing on the bed. You could wake them up by pulling their eyelashes with your teeth in the middle of the night. Or you could just ignore them. You're good at that.yes, i do know a cat that pulls his "mommy's" eyelashes.
I phased Pat Kinsella out two years ago but he still continues to glom on me. I don't like to be cruel to the simple, but how can I gently break it to the guy that he's been replaced by you?
John - 7/31/2002 2:00:00 PM

Oh, he knows. He just can't let it die. pat is good at keeping a joke alive for too long!
I am living in Matt Johnson's sweet NYC pad for the summer. He is living the vida loca in Spain for the summer.
My question is: Matt - have you read all the books on your shelves, or are they just to impress people?
PS-My porn name is Roscoe Glen
Raj Nath - 7/30/2002 1:31:00 PM

yeah. i read those.
if you love someone, can you still hate them also?
nick - 7/30/2002 1:30:00 PM

absolutely. but not for long.
What would Matt Johnson do in Pamplona when the Fiesta is over?

Pobre de ti.
Raquel - 7/30/2002 1:29:00 PM

Mostly I plan my excursions to the next place I'm going. that and develop a crush on the cell phone lady
does cologne really help a man pick up girls?
smell well - 7/22/2002 6:25:00 AM

not my forte, as I don't pick up that many girls, nor do I wear cologne.
should I buy a thermin so it could be used mostly by eric wilhelm?
Raquel - 7/22/2002 6:24:00 AM

I'm all for Eric Willhelm making funny noises, but I think you should spend that money on you. plus, would you trust willhelm with your theramin?
Should Rich and Rachel Robot get a puppy?
fluffy - 7/16/2002 1:08:00 PM

I don't know. They'll first need to get over that habit of screaming "PUPPY!" every time they see a dog, or it will get noisy in their apartment.
would you give up free money for the adventure of a lifetime?
moneyless - 7/7/2002 10:13:00 AM

18 bucks for a CD, man; no wait, 18.99. Would you pay it? Like, maybe not for P. Diddy Sarah Jessica Parker Puff Daddy, but who? The White Stripes? Foghat? Any freakin band out there worth 18.99 for a damn CD besides Celine Dion?
celine dion - 7/7/2002 9:55:00 AM

19 bucks is getting outta hand. maybe for a 2CD reissue of some Elvis Costello stuff. But i don't wanna be paying 19 bones for a regular old new release.
Would you accept the challenge of another mattjohnson to participate is some sort of mattjohnson olympics-a battle for supremacy-to see who is most worthy of the name mattjohnson?

wsc - 7/7/2002 9:54:00 AM

bring it on.
What would you do if your good name was being slandered all over the internet?
Wronged by the internet - 7/7/2002 9:54:00 AM

I would get Pat to kick them in the balls. Unless it was Pat slandering me. Which he does.
Yo Matt, why ya slackin' on ya pimpin'? Gotta keep tha pimp hand strong bro, know what I'm sayin'?
H-Izzo V-Izza - 7/2/2002 9:58:00 AM

no, actually, i'm not really sure what you're saying. I'm PIMPING LARGE, mofo. Don't front me.
say you managed to get hitched without ever getting it on in a car. and then you go to a party for a pal, get really drunk and find yourself prone on the gearshift in your suburban chariot.

would this count?
geargrrl - 7/2/2002 9:56:00 AM

absolutely!yay, J & K! hot love in the summer time!
Will you eat bocadillas in spain?
snacky - 6/27/2002 12:40:00 AM

You know it.
Matt- Have you played the white stripes video game?
pong-a-rific - 6/26/2002 11:11:00 AM

i'm checking it out now.
Which purchase should I exact replica of a Desert Eagle 9mm pistol, which is actually a working soft BB gun, or 3 books I would like to read?
Confused over toy guns or books - 6/26/2002 11:10:00 AM

wow, this is difficult as both are the type of items that can give you pleasure for a lifetime. heck, buy the BB gun, just don't shoot at me with it.
Is Pat going to hell?
Concerned - 6/26/2002 11:08:00 AM

If you found out that an accquaintence of yours (Pat Kinsella) was a cheerleader in high school and has been lying to his accquaintences about it, what would you do?
Mike Olofson - 6/25/2002 3:01:00 PM

I'd ask him to pose for some "intimate" shots in his old uniform.
In Spain, if you meet a pretty girl, will you marry her and stay there forever? If so, who gets that Mountain Dew painting you have?
Senor Scout - 6/21/2002 12:40:00 PM

I just might. The Mtn.Dew painting is mine. Don't even think about it.
Did you pay for Salon Premium?
love me some James Carville - 6/21/2002 12:39:00 PM

i still can't quite make myself pay for the internets.

Did Pat try to kick you in the balls last night at Elvis Costello, after expressly promising not to do so in writing? I wouldn't be surprised, because I suspect that he is a man without honor.

Jonathan - 6/20/2002 12:51:00 PM

No, Pat didn't kick me in the balls. He knows good and well that if he kicks me in the balls, that the sexual tension will dissolve from our relationship. And where's the fun in that?not to MENTION what it will do to our Nielsen ratings!
I just found out my friend John Lawton is gay, but I don't think he knows it. How do I break the news to him that he's gay?
Concerned about Gay John - 6/20/2002 12:37:00 PM

I think you take him to a Yankees game, and have a message displayed on the big JUMBOTRON TV they have there. That's what it's there for.
My sister is tall, thin, blonde, older, and more popular than me. I am a nonwearer of high heels, "athletic", brunette, younger, and a dork. Her friends come over and they are cool. How can I use this to my advantage? I value your opinion.
Hef Hendy - 6/20/2002 12:35:00 PM

I think you should begin to cultivate the reputation of being "the sister who can tie a cherry stem in a knot with her tongue".
I need to break it to my mom that I am NOT gay, it's just that men hate me. How would you tell her?
Liz - 6/18/2002 11:38:00 AM

Actually if you send me her phone number, I will. WWEHD?
Why don't you let Pat kick you in your balls, but do it on Pay-Per-View. That could make the little robot website a ton of money.
GuRLKizzer - 6/18/2002 11:34:00 AM

Good Idea!
I just saw this dude in my office spill a pepsi in the back of someone's monitor by accident, and he fled the scene. Now the IT guys are converging on the machine, and wondering why it is all funky. Should I tell them what I saw?
Willy Witness - 6/18/2002 11:34:00 AM

I wouldn't. But I like to see the IT guys squirm. They are evil. Yeah, YOU PAT!
How long is long enough?
minita - 6/18/2002 11:33:00 AM

about this long. hi adina. hi raquel. hi liz. hi tim.
Matt, What would you do if they outlawed Meatloaf?
pat - 6/14/2002 12:27:00 PM

I'd begin bootlegging Meatloaf. I'd have a meatloaf speakeasy where people could come and eat low grade meatloaf at exorbitant prices.

Pat, you alone could keep me in business.
While cleaning the sofa with my Dustbuster's upholstery brush accessory, I happened to uproot the shrunken head of a long-dead ancestor. To prevent more weirdness in the future, should I instead use the soft dusting brush or even the flexible crevice tool?
Aaron the Sexplastic - 6/13/2002 12:39:00 AM

Crevice tool. heh.

Frankly I would just stop vacuuming.
Matt, years ago I was at Carowinds. I drank a cherry slushy early on. Then I got really hot and felt like I was going to faint. I spat a big globule of bright red phlegm on the ground. I thought I was bleeding internally. Did that happen you you?
got a problem with cherry myself - 6/13/2002 12:38:00 AM

No. But I have been sick at Carowinds. Too many rides on white lightning.
what would matt johnson do with 700 testubes, some blue food coloring, a tub of crisco and a microwave oven?
deanna - 6/13/2002 12:35:00 AM

I wouldn't even know where to start. Tim? Any help?

From Tim:
1. Use the crisco as a lubricant for easier masturbation
2. Color the resultant discharge with the blue food coloring (giving you blue semen)
3. Fill each test tube with enough blue semen for 1 in-vitro fertilization
cycle (repetitions may be necessary based on individual discharge volume)
4. Heat a Hungry Man Salisbury steak Dinner in the Microwave
5. Eat Dinner while watching TV
6. Plot how to impregnate 700 different women with blue semen without their knowledge.
If you farted at work, would you own up or just blame it on someone else?
Dee - 6/12/2002 11:13:00 AM

If someone noticed, I'd own up to it.
Do you recognize the difference between poetry slam "participant" and poetry slam champ?
Not Slammy - 6/12/2002 11:12:00 AM

Well, if you're number 2 in a poetry slam, that doesn't count for much.
(sorry John)Oh, I DO love a good show down, though.
Would you rather die alone, or in droves.
Just wondering. - 6/12/2002 11:10:00 AM

I want to be the only one dying, but i don't want to die alone.
How long is it possible to ridicule a former poetry slam participant before it just becomes kinda pathetic?
friend o' slammy - 6/8/2002 2:45:00 AM

I dunno how, but this cockblocker guy who is friends with my GF is able to read my email account. So he shows her, all my email conversations with my female friends. I'm getting pissed, but I can't do anything, since he hides behind a monitor. WWMJD?
Mad Max - 6/5/2002 9:40:00 PM

Did you just say "cockblocker"?

Anyway, I'd um. plant some emails about your trip to the gay bar with HIM in your email. And then a picture of you giving him the finger.
I am going to choose one flavor of skittles to stop eating in hope of losing 10 lbs. What color is the least appetizing?
Heather - 6/5/2002 9:37:00 PM

Normally I have a distaste for all things "cherry flavored" but in the case of Skittles™ I know for a fact the least appetizing flavor is "purple" (let's not demean grapes).
wwmjd if his internet company tried to fuck him up the ass
not ready - 6/5/2002 9:36:00 PM

switch companies mighty fast.
my friend asked me if she had hair on her top lip (which i had never noticed before) and on close inspection, you know really close, she does indeed had hair on her top lip. What should i have said???
mandy - 6/5/2002 9:35:00 PM

(after pretending to look off-handedly) say "No way!" And when she presses you to look closer you say, "Well, I'll be damned. I guess you do. I'd never noticed"
Would you date your friend's ex?
the code - 5/29/2002 4:48:00 PM

I have done this once before in my naive youth. It was disastrous. That is not to say that I would NEVER do it again, but i would think more than twice before doing so.
Dear MJ:
I paid $1.50 for what was supposed to be water from a vending machine. I really wanted water. But I got Mountain Dew Red. What the heck is that stuff? And should I call the 800 # to get my money back - y'know - in principle?
didn't do the dew - 5/29/2002 4:46:00 PM

Being a huge fan of the Original Dew, I have to say that this MDR stuff seems to be quite atrocious. I'm sure it's just regular Mtn. Dew with cherry Pixie Stix poured in for flavor. Eww.

Regarding the money; Hell Yes you should call and chase them down for your buck fifty. You wanted some wholesome water, and you were given some bottled marketing that gives the Dew a bad name!
So, 12:45am Saturday would also be known as Friday/Midnight, right?
Dumbass - 5/23/2002 11:06:00 AM

Yes, now go buy those tickets.
Two Lawtons. One Blue, One Green. Chose the wrong Lawton, and it's all over. Which Lawton do you chose?
Suspicious Character - 5/23/2002 1:29:00 AM

I've always preferred Blue Lawton.
what would you do if there was nothing left to do?
hamlet - 5/20/2002 5:00:00 PM

There IS nothing left to do.
When are you just going to let Pat kick you in the balls? You know you deserve it.
unconcerned about your balls - 5/20/2002 4:59:00 PM

Pat will never be allowed the great pleasure of contact with my balls.
IF: you were a woman closing in on 35, would you get a neat efficient looking short haircut- that basically gives up all hope of ever again being a "hotty"? Or would you keep your hair long waisting precious hours conditioning and blow drying?
:) - 5/20/2002 4:58:00 PM

Yeah, I'm DEFINITELY the one to be asking about:
a) Being "HOT"
b) Hair Care

Look, I don't even own a comb. I haven't blown my hair dry since the early 80's. I go 6 months without getting my hair cut. You've got the wrong guy.
Would you rather date Mary Tyler Moore of the Dick Van Dyke Show or MTM of the MTM Show? Please justify your answer.
Someone who cares - 5/14/2002 11:36:00 AM

Wow. They're both so dreamy. It's hard to say. I guess it would be the Mary Richards of the MTM show, because she is the one I first fell in love with. I only met Mary Petrie through reruns. (Although I've fantasized about hearing her say "Oh, Matt!") And anyway if it was Mary Richards, after she dumped me (as she most surely would) I could go out with Rhoda. I bet she's a
T-I-G-E-R in bed! I guess someone besides me watched the MTM reunion special last night! LOVE YA!
I've asked this before, but is it possible to eat too much meatloaf?
Pat - 5/14/2002 11:25:00 AM

Probably not for you.
Why don't you ever answer Pat's e-mail?
Some guy - 5/14/2002 11:25:00 AM

Would you answer the emails of someone who wants to kick you in the balls?
Why did the Chicken cross the road?
eh? - 5/2/2002 1:42:00 PM

I know that if it was ME crossing the road, it would be to avoid a kick in the balls from Pat. or really, just to avoid Pat.
I was in the Piggly Wiggly last night and this doe-eyed kid drawls , "Mama, what is Spanish?"
Mama adjusts her pink elastic K-mart tube top as she looks down and says, "its the language that the TVs in the laundymat are in."
True ain't it ?
Trailer Trash Genius - 5/2/2002 12:53:00 PM

matt- i think my mom is free basing in the kitchen, but i'm not so sure- i'm afraid if i get to close she'll discover that i'm spying. what should i do? Help!
borderline crack (man) whore - 5/1/2002 1:21:00 PM

Shoot! I knew I should've set up another spycam in the kitchen!
There are turds all over the pavement outside Soup Towers. What should we do?
Adele Soup - 5/1/2002 1:20:00 PM

This is terrible news. I suggest having a weeks worth of soup ingredients delivered to the house.
smoke or drink?
early mornin - 5/1/2002 1:19:00 PM

drink. i don't smoke.
What would you do if Pat really did kick you in the balls?
Concerned about your balls - 4/29/2002 5:38:00 PM

i'd prolly double over. but then i'd get even.
Dear Matt,

All I do all day is surf (in the ocean), play basketball and whack off to internet porn. Jealous?
Rosey Palmer - 4/29/2002 5:32:00 PM

not really. i don't like sand. and all i do every day is surf the net, chat with friends and avoid work.
End of the world. Sooner or later?
Concerned Kinsella - 4/25/2002 1:04:00 AM

what with the crazy weather, the earthquake in new york, war in the middle east, and now locust in afghanistan. i'm gonna have to say sooner.
what would you do if there was nothin left to do?
mariah carey - 4/25/2002 12:59:00 AM

sweet heart, there's always something else to do.
If Pittsburgh boy meets New York girl of dreams should burgh boy follow her back to the apple?
wizzer - 4/24/2002 10:24:00 AM

Any reason to leave Pittsburgh is a good one.
Who should we fear, hitchhikers, or people who pick up hitchhikers?
Wayne - 4/24/2002 10:23:00 AM

I think I'm more afraid of the people who pick up hitchhikers but it's a close call. They can both be interesting or really nasty.
Krispy Kreme - hot and fresh or just fresh?
Dixie Doughboy - 4/23/2002 12:17:00 AM

Ahh. Driving down Person St. The "Hot Donuts Now" sign glowing in the soft morning fog. Pull in. Step up to the green flecked formica counter top. "One Dozen, Hot. Please."
Did you ever consider taking your bit in this little horse and pony show National?
Nobody special - 4/22/2002 12:02:00 AM

No. We here at WWMJD Enterprises have always wanted to keep a quaint, provincial feel. That's why we've chosen the internet as our medium.
Got my tax off bills or go on vacation?
Daniel San - 4/16/2002 11:35:00 AM

VACATION, definitely.
I'm watching you
stalker x - 4/11/2002 4:53:00 PM

oh goody, an audience. don't think i don't know it's you, pat. back off, mister. you're not the only one who can kick balls.
Sweet potato pie - anything better?
Kitty Wrangler #2 - 4/11/2002 9:37:00 AM

chocolate chess pie.
i feel uninspired.
neighbor - 4/11/2002 9:37:00 AM

me too.
I was wondering if you were planning on marketing "WWMJD" by advertising on overpriced pens (complete with a color coordinated rope neck chain) to keep in step with the "what would jesus do" campaign?
Fan in Need of a Pen - 4/11/2002 9:35:00 AM

It depends on how many preorders we get.
OK, why is Pat always telling you
what he had to eat that day?
I had to ask - 4/4/2002 7:35:00 PM

I have NO idea. I'm just sad he stopped.
Matt Johnson, If you were "on the Grift"
Would you run long or short term cons?
Concerned Citizen - 4/2/2002 11:59:00 AM

I would probably spend most of my time running short term cons, while dreaming of the big con that never actually happens.

If you're ordering a 6 foot sub for Lawton, could you pick one up for me too?
Kinsella - 3/28/2002 12:11:00 PM

I don't even answer your emails, now you want me to buy you a oversized sandwich?

and by the way, I do READ your emails. I just don't respond to them.
matt, do you prefer smart ass quips or heartfelt answers?
heartfelt smart ass - 3/25/2002 1:12:00 AM

i love smart asses. that's why i'm a part of this whole "happyrobot" experiment.
Am I supposed to have formulated a dream by 30, and if so, ought I be able to articulate it?
A - 3/25/2002 1:11:00 AM

no, by 30 you should be burnt out on all the dreaming, and whoring yourself at a day job.
What would you do if you discovered you were living in a Fantasy World?
M-i-c-k-e-y - 3/22/2002 1:17:00 AM

whatever i felt like doing.
Is a non-caffeinated life all its cracked up to be?
Twitchy - 3/21/2002 6:23:00 PM

do people have crave a particular food for a biological reason?
raquel - 3/21/2002 5:02:00 PM

yes.i wasn't buying all that other crap, either.
Can humor be learned?
aduba - 3/15/2002 10:29:00 AM

I don't think so. See below.
What about *real* fart noises? They're still funny, right?
Dave - 3/15/2002 10:28:00 AM

still, no.
Matt, how can we make John Lawton care more?
concerned - 3/13/2002 7:17:00 PM

I've tried, and I just don't think it's possible.

I mean, maybe if... JUST IF... we were to order him a 6 foot sub sandwich, maybe. but outside of that, there's no way.
If a '94 saturn sedan was in a fight with a '94 VW Golf, who would win? In 6 inches of water?
self-righteous car owner - 3/13/2002 7:14:00 PM

I would say since the Golf is scrappy and full of pep, it would win on land. But at sea, you have to worry about all VW's notorious problems with electrical wiring becoming an issue. In six inches of water I'd give it to the Saturn.
what happened to all the secret messages?
sneaky - 3/4/2002 2:32:00 PM

nothing. I don't ALWAYS do secret messages. Only when I feel like it.
Matt, are you afraid of the dark?
whistle - 3/1/2002 3:02:00 PM

I just got my first unemployment check....what should I blow it on???
Laid Off Sally - 3/1/2002 3:01:00 PM

a big party with birthday cake and party hats!
matt if you were to get a piercing what would it be?
piercing-free - 2/27/2002 10:23:00 AM

probably my brain.
Kid Rock's girlfriend Pamela Anderson says that fake fart noises (bialvial fricatives) are "never not funny".
Is this true?
Lil Cees T - 2/27/2002 10:23:00 AM

As in her love life, Pamela is misguided here. In fact, fake fart noises are RARELY funny at all.
Matt Johnson-

What would you do if the engine fell out of your car?
Saturn Dealer - 2/22/2002 10:23:00 AM

i would strip all of the usefull things out of the car. then i would leave it on the side of the road and walk home. and yes, i'm answering this one from experience!
PHP nuke or Squishdot?
pony - 2/14/2002 3:27:00 PM

I'm no expert on content managemnent systems, but I'm leaning towards PHP-Nuke just 'cause you don't have to install the Zope application server. Most Linux servers already have all the modules required for PHP-Nuke. If you wanna talk about this in more depth, just ask.
I asked Jesus a question about changing jobs, and he gave me the following reply:"An allocation that has become a transaction is no longer an allocation" what does that mean?
cornfused - 2/14/2002 12:38:00 AM

That cheap hack! That's one of his stock phrases. He always tells me the same thing about my relationships!
what DO you do all day?
curious - 2/13/2002 12:48:00 PM

Mostly I goof off. Answer questions. Long lunches. Phone calls. Snood. Make mix cd's. Download MP3's. had a great time at lunch yesterday!
how would MJ find his own secret messages?
Confusious - 2/13/2002 12:45:00 PM

ahhh, now that would be telling, wouldn't it? :) now you got it.
What advice do you have for a person who a) just found out their boss is crazy, and/or b) holds a smoldering hatred for this boss.
nine to fiver - 2/12/2002 12:05:00 PM

Well, one of my good friends says that nothing beats peeing in the desk drawer. You could give that a try.and yes, timmy, stalking is wrong.
Why do we have a conscience? And how do you learn to ignore it?
Baloney Poney - 2/12/2002 11:55:00 AM

It takes practice to ignore the conscience. The best thing to do is to be naughty as often as possible.
what would matt johnson do if he had a regular happyrobot column?
scream mi - 2/8/2002 12:37:00 PM

he'd miss his deadlines.see, the messages are here.
what's the meaning of life?
jp andres - 2/7/2002 2:27:00 PM

life has no meaning, but you must love it just the same. hi raquel.
Matt, this isn't so much a question as it is a quiz for you. There IS a right answer and you have to get it right, bucko. This is merely a test to see if you are a proper, red-blooded American consumer.

Q: What does it mean to be from Maine?
a bottle - 2/3/2002 11:45:00 PM

Sooooo. This one stumped me. Finally the original person who asked the question let me in on the answer. But i'm not telling you.
Did Jesus ever get laid?
Shaky Christian - 2/3/2002 11:44:00 PM

no, but he got nailed.
matt, what happened to your bracelet?
wwmjd reader - 2/1/2002 1:26:00 AM

It's in the pocket of my jacket right now.
Matt- If you were to start a punk rock band to vocalize your dissatisfaction with the current administration and also to capitalize on the growing trend of punk rock fashions what would you name this band?
suzie sue & the bandits - 1/30/2002 2:29:00 PM

The Delancy St. Tards
let's roll
hcir - 1/30/2002 12:17:00 AM

President Bush v2.0 makes me want to start a punk rock band.
if you just didn't give a damn anymore?
used - 1/29/2002 1:46:00 AM

I DON'T actually give a damn anymore. But I'm still pretty much doing the same things.
Yo Sushi or Go Sushi?
MJ Wanna-be - 1/29/2002 1:45:00 AM

OH! Sushi.
What is under your bed?
lippy - 1/24/2002 7:15:00 PM

dust bunnies and a bathmat.
Dude, so the internet thing... it's pretty much over, eh?
Hcir - 1/24/2002 7:15:00 PM

yeah. it's pretty much dead.
Ukulele or mandolin?
strummer - 1/18/2002 4:04:00 PM

are you and rich hung over this morning?
adina - 1/15/2002 1:39:00 PM

No. Fortunately. Thanks for asking. Rich and I behaved respectably last night and went home and worked on our resumes. However, we may not be so lucky tomorrow morning.
I am a girl who falls asleep after sex. I Is that rude?
snoozy. - 1/7/2002 3:37:00 PM

It's only rude if you fall asleep DURING sex.
Is Kristen having a meltdown?
Concerned - 1/7/2002 10:44:00 AM

It looks like it to me!
Are you interested in reggae much? Is it worth OWNING (as opposed to listening at friend'ss' housese?) I saw a think on Vh1 with the top 1000 allbums, and am thinking of exodus mabye or maybe a hendrix. (I have little experience with non-white girl token blackified musiice but I like this hypnotic f-you dumbass attitude that ..a,,,#$
Gareth Books - 1/7/2002 10:38:00 AM

One New Years Eve a friend of mine who was really drunk on red wine said "Reggae is the BEST MUSIC IN THE WHOLE WORLD!".

What is it about being high that makes people love Reggae?
Does GVB deliver live?
Ponelope - 1/4/2002 2:55:00 PM

They delivered on the songs that i LIKE. They played a lot of crap, too. But all in all they can really rock.
what's the deal with words from kristen?
getting an image - 1/2/2002 11:52:00 PM

nobody knows. but its DAMN interesting to watch just the same.
A)Stay at home and drink liquor with guy and whoever else shows up and watch movies
b)or go out in freezing cold and take my chances with house parties
c)or try to dig the revelry and go dancing at a club and pay for my liquor?

anonymous pony - 12/31/2001 1:59:00 PM

I dig the "low key" ringing in of the new year. drinks, movies, and beloved sounds good to me.
10:15 pm showing of lord of the rings on new year's eve or getting drunk in some random bar followed by waking up with a dead hooker?
no plans on new years yet - 12/31/2001 11:10:00 AM

LOTR is a great film. And that whole "dead hooker" thing is over rated.
what would matt johnson not do?
eager beaver - 12/28/2001 3:25:00 PM

not much, honey.
Matt, I'm thinking about assassinating the zamboni operator from the Rock Center skating rink. Any suggestions.
not insane - 12/28/2001 11:52:00 AM

seek therapy.
who would win in a fight bruce lee or mike tyson, if they were both at their prime?

Matt Johnson - 12/28/2001 11:52:00 AM

I'm gonna have to go with Bruce Lee. He's the man.
do you want to see harry potter with me?
that guy that sits near you - 12/28/2001 11:51:00 AM

i would see some HP.
If you had to work New Year's Day, how would you celebrate New Year's Eve: Drive to the beach and back, feeling like hell the next day, or stay in town, on the couch at a friend's new house and watch Terms of Endearment?
Toast of 1020 - 12/20/2001 3:02:00 PM

I'd go to the beach. First of all. F*ck work. Second, a long drive is actually not a bad way to get over a hangover. It keeps your mind focused on something other than the hangover.
I have had to stop reading KRISTEN due to her constantly refering to her wedded bliss, which is making me nauseas as all do you fight the wooziness, Matt?
single and saucy - 12/20/2001 11:23:00 AM

I can't stop reading Kristen, myself. It's fascinating. Like a train wreck Sometimes I have to take Dramamine to fight the Buddhist aphorisms, and wedded chumminess.
If Matt Johnson was to purchase a cool and stylish holiday gift for Matt Johnson what would he get?
elfin' magic - 12/20/2001 11:20:00 AM

last night i got a Jesus Action Figure, which would be pretty hard to beat.
Which is better: Matt Johnson
+ Eric Stoltz naked in a vat of honey together or giving Rosie O'Donnell a foot
massage after she just ran 1 mile in yesterday's socks?

the dribbler - 12/20/2001 11:18:00 AM

i'm gonna definitely have to go with me and the Stoltz in honey. Sounds fun. Anyone wanna come with?
What do I say to my relatives at Xmas
when they ask me, "So, when are you
going to finish graduate school?"
Tonya - 12/19/2001 12:17:00 PM

"Hopefully, never."
Could this be the heyday of happyrobot, and we just don't realize it?
Johnny Canuck - 12/18/2001 10:49:00 AM

You may be right! Boy, I can't wait for the prideful downward slide into alcohol and narcotics.sincerely, YAY HAPPYROBOT. It just keeps getting better and better.
Mark wants to know: 9/10/01 or 9/12/01?

I wanna know: Which is better - Eric Stoltz or honey? Be careful. It's a trick question.
the dribbler - 12/18/2001 10:45:00 AM

9/12/01. honey.
Which one would you take: a Mr T bobblie-head doll -or- a monkey with a fez bobblie-head doll.
and did i spell "bobblie" correct?
bob and lee - 12/18/2001 10:45:00 AM

monkey with fez. and no.
Kristen just wrote some mean things about me on her page. How do I get back at her?
Kristen's Victim - 12/17/2001 11:48:00 AM

You could start a web page where you ramble on about your inner life without regard to normal social conventions. Please, however, do not become buddhist.
Once, i threw up in the car on the way to school. what was up with that?
Barfy. - 12/17/2001 11:45:00 AM

that sucks.
when is Hanukkah and should I eat jelly donuts this year?
ballah bustah - 12/10/2001 11:52:00 AM

Chanukkha started last night. And lasts until the 17th. The last night for lighting of the Menorah is the 16th. (Please someone correct me if this is wrong.)

Being that most donuts are fried in lots of oil, I think that jelly donuts would be a very fine addition to your Chanukkha spread.
margaretellington - 12/10/2001 11:44:00 AM

Hey girl! Whassup your self?
You really can't believe it's not butter?
concerned citizen - 12/10/2001 11:44:00 AM

Actually, I CAN believe it's not butter.
John Conger vs. Lawton in 3 feet of water...Lawton is in a kayak, but Conger has gills and webbed feet.
Sugar Ray - 12/4/2001 1:37:00 PM

This is really getting outta hand.
to get laid off and to get laid- is there a connection?
Barbie - 12/4/2001 1:37:00 PM

there is a inverse relationiship between the two.
Matt...why is it that the first answer on the weekly poll always gets the most votes? Is it that we are all really lazy, or really impulsive?
impulsivelylazy - 12/3/2001 1:27:00 PM

Ah see, that's not actually the case. Rich REORDERS the results so that the winning response is first when displayed in the archives.

however, many of us ARE lazy and impulsive.
Last night I had a meatball sub for dinner - and this morning I did not have any breakfast.
pat - 12/3/2001 11:23:00 AM

Why do birds suddenly appear, everytime you grow near?
John Lawton's Sister - 12/3/2001 11:23:00 AM

Do turtles fart?
Just curious - 11/30/2001 12:18:00 PM

Sit at work, or run in fear?
Fly Boy - 11/30/2001 12:16:00 PM

run man.
I had a bologna sandwich on a roll with mayonaisse today for lunch. I just though you'd like to know.
nobody special - 11/28/2001 12:18:00 PM

i am not sure if my glass is half full, half empty, or just broken in half and all the milk just spilled down the front of my new dockers. that's not really the question. the question is, dockers are pretty dumb, eh?
flan - 11/28/2001 12:17:00 PM

um. yah.
Is it possible my farts don't smell?
rikki - 11/27/2001 11:04:00 AM

Matt, do your lesbian scenes have to be "hot" AND technically sound?
not rich - 11/27/2001 11:04:00 AM

No, i've always been a connoisseur of low-fi entertainment. especially if it's "hot".
in a fight, who would win: tammy wynette or mr t?
Cluh - 11/26/2001 3:31:00 PM

I think it would be a draw. Tammy wouldn't really be able to scratch Mr. T. But she can take ANYTHING any man has to give.
i say "tah-la-ban" but katie couric and her ilk say "tally-ban" - which is it? or, hopefully, which "was" it?
suzie couric - 11/26/2001 3:31:00 PM

I'm going to be a contestant on "Win Ben Stein's Money." Should I slip him a roofie in the green room to insure victory?
Zach - 11/26/2001 3:31:00 PM

I certainly would.
I am invited to play a game of truth or dare with people I don't know so well. Would you go?
smedley - 11/13/2001 9:50:00 PM

It really depends on whether or not you want to get to know them better. After all, that is the whole point of that game. And the answer is Yes. I would go.
John Conger, drunk, versus John Lawton. in 3 feet of water, and Lawton is wearing a courdory pants suit.
and they are fighting on that weird spiked platfom from that horrid Flash Gordon movie.
um, rich. - 11/13/2001 9:50:00 PM

I LOVE that pants suit!
Chinese or Mexican?
anonymous pony - 11/9/2001 3:46:00 PM

I had Mexican last night, so Chinese it is.
Matt, how is this whole war thing going to turn out?
worried wart - 11/9/2001 3:45:00 PM

John Lawton verses John Conger in one foot of water....who wins?
Tres Fantastique - 11/9/2001 12:25:00 AM

Ahhh. See, now that makes all the difference! The water would slow Conger down to Lawton's speed, and then Lawton has the edge in sheer power.
I've got a GF that I have been on the rocks with for 2 years, but I love her, and suddenly there is this new amazing girl I met last week, that I really am starting to like. I will have to choose one soon. WWMJD?
Dean - 11/8/2001 4:59:00 PM

If you've only known this new girl for ONE WEEK, then you dont have anything to choose yet anyway. Calm down.
If it was your 400th birthday, and you were John Lawton, what would y ou want?
Juanita Lawtina, of course - 11/8/2001 4:45:00 PM

Probably a visit from some young male prostitutes.
fight between john lawton and john conger... who'd win?
me - 11/8/2001 4:43:00 PM

Conger is so scrappy, I'd have to give him the edge.
What is this Farscape shit kristen goes on and on about? Damn you television!
Farscape? Crapscape! - 11/8/2001 11:57:00 AM

It's a goofy australian sci-fi show. I actually like it.
is that all there is?
Peggy Lee - 11/8/2001 11:52:00 AM

How long did it take you to read Infinite Jest? Tim said you'd tell me.
Kay Flaminio - 11/7/2001 8:05:00 AM

Actually, the first time it took me 3 months. But i got through it in 1 month the second time. It's worth it.
I heard you thought Waking Life was a Bebe's Kids for the 21st Century.
Any comment?
Wallace Shawn - 11/5/2001 4:25:00 PM

<argh. . .>
Matt, if you don't do Halloween, does that mean I don't get to go trick or treating in your pants tonight?
J-Lo - 11/5/2001 4:24:00 PM

I always got time to be your candyman.
If it was your 400th birthday, and you were a woman, what would you want?
Matthew Kelly - 11/5/2001 4:18:00 PM

Probably a visit from some young male prostitutes.
What is windows xp, and do I or do I not need it?
Bill Gates - 11/5/2001 4:16:00 PM

You definitely don't need it.
Should I go now or hold it and wait until I really have to go?
legg kross - 11/5/2001 4:15:00 PM

Always go when you can. you don't know when you might get your next chance.
Matt, if federal officials said to you: "There is going to be a terrorist attack, we don't know who, what, when, where, why, so be on your HIGHEST ALERT, but live your life as you normally would." WWMJD?
GWB - 11/1/2001 12:26:00 PM

I guess I would get dressed up in a mask and go door to door asking strangers for candy.
Matt, how did you come to attain your spiritual powers? Were they always this powerful?
Jeezuss - 11/1/2001 12:24:00 PM

In my youth I was involved in a freak mishap involving an experiment on a radioactive book. My powers grow over time as I feed off the questions of my readers.
Rumor has it that you are marching in the parade today dressed as a straight man. True?
Sisqo - 10/31/2001 11:13:00 AM

Dude, I don't DO Hallowe'en.
Does Matt Johnson consider RobotWars (TNN) to be the true contest of Robot Dominance, or is it BattleBots(CmdyCntrl)?
I take this Robot Shit seriously.
confused - 10/30/2001 12:07:00 PM

Matt, who was it that said: "cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war"? I am pretty sure it was shakespear, but i forgot which of his works.
Mercutio - 10/29/2001 12:54:00 PM

Marc Antony (not the singer).
MJ, I started dating a girl who swings big time. Should I seriously consider a future with her, or just enjoy things for the time being?
Ron - 10/26/2001 10:33:00 AM

You should dump her. Definitely. But give her my number right before you leave.
Matt, I heard you have some really neat black pencils. Can I have one?
Graphite - 10/26/2001 10:32:00 AM

yesterday I took the "F" and it took me an hour to get to work. homie don't play dat. so today i took the "J" to the "N" and there was fire on the train, and so I had to go all J-Lo over to the "6" and I was 20 minutes late. WHAT TRAIN WOULD MJ TAKE???
juanita lawtina - 10/23/2001 1:51:00 PM

Yesterday, MJ decided the train just wasn't working out as a viable option. A cab was involved, somehow. But normally I have to put a vote in for the venerable "F".
Matt, any advice on how to get me one step closer to my dream date with pop vixen Britney Spears?
Roman - 10/23/2001 1:50:00 PM

forget it, loser.
matt. so we got new reviews from lawton. what did you do? strong arm him? bat your eyelashes?
um, that guy over there - 10/22/2001 3:19:00 PM

I've got my ways.
Should i sulk or get my ass back out on the street?
intergallactic - 10/22/2001

You should get your ass back out there. I'm sulking and I really don't want your company.
Matthew Johnson, will you ever clean your room?
your mama - 10/22/2001

Matt, where is Haoman, and once I find him, how can I capture him? The guy is like a F-ing panther...he is lightning quick! I just want to talk.
Bixby - 10/21/2001

You'll never capture him. Don't even try.
Will we ever get any new movie reviews from Lawton?
so sad - 10/19/2001

probably not.
Matt, how do you silence the people at work, who won't cease their ignorant, fraudulent ramblings about the whole terrorism topic.
El Padrino - 10/19/2001

I tell them to shut the f*ck up.
Matt, if loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right!
Osama - 10/17/2001

Loving me is definitely wrong. But it doesn't seem to stop anyone!
Matt - What would you say to a fellow employee if every time he spoke, every other word was "so" or "ummm?"
Dicgo Zinya - 10/17/2001

Dicgo Zinya. That's funny.
Taco or Hoagie?
The Uber Lawton - 10/16/2001

someone told me to blow it out my ass, and so I did, and then my shorts were stained... was it yesterday's burritos, or something more... sinister?
van - 10/16/2001

Actually yesterday's burritos were pretty damned sinister in and of themselves.
Word on the street is that your "super gay"...prove it!!
Andrew's Boy - 10/15/2001

Dude, I'm wicked gay. And I ain't got nothing to prove.
Are you the same Matt Johnson who is my boss at work? He's is a mean clean working machine.
employee - 10/14/2001

Hey! Who says I'm mean?
New winter coat, or gas mask?
(They are both in the same price range.)
Jerry - 10/12/2001

I'm not normally a hysteria type. but i'm gonna have to go with the gas mask, today.
Matt J, if you ever have a son, promise me you will name him Howard.
P. Diddy - 10/12/2001

I've already named him Jazzbo.
Is lust a really bad sin, or just a minor one?
carmen - 10/11/2001

It's the best sin of all.
what do you do for ennui?
dripping with the ennui - 10/10/2001

your mom.
I know it's not Arbor Day, but I was inspired to plant a tree, and then the cops showed up because I was chopping up the street with a pick axe. Does Matt Johnson know any good lawyers?
Matt - 10/10/2001

quite a few.
why does matt let bad things happen to good people
greasie - 10/10/2001

those people aren't really that good.
My dad once gave me a pinto named Bruce for my b-day. But one day I ran him hard, and gave him cold water and he died. So now any time I see a stray horse, I take it in and give care for it, but the trainers just don't let me give them water. R U gay Matt?
Dutch - 10/8/2001

wicked gay.
Matt, do you like to watch TV? If you like it as much as me, you'd be crazy to miss a trivia website like! You can win free things like chicken or a trip! It's so cool, it's crazy!
hillstreetblues - 10/8/2001

Wow. You are a cog in an evil machine.
What happens if you put Vodka in a humidifier? Do you get drunk?
Mr. Vodka - 10/8/2001

HMMM. I'll be trying that out this evening...

I'll let you know.

where you is?
I got one thumbnail super-polished at the mall the other day. It is shiny, and from the saleslady's pitch, should be so one month from now. Should I go back to her hoop earrings and fake euro accent to get the other nail done?
Tim - 10/8/2001

Yes, and while you're there get them sharpened. Like talons.
Matt, if you are not happy with the name "Matt Johnson" then start calling yourself "Matteo" Chicks love Euro sounding names.
Antonio - 10/3/2001

oooh. yeah. And I can grow a pencil thin mustache and wear smoking jackets, too!
Are you in hiding Matt?
Harvey Keitel - 10/3/2001

I was. But I'm back on the case now.
How long will it be before you fully recover from your sex change operation?
Gene - 10/3/2001

No one really knows for sure. They tell me it'll go faster if I lay off the booze and hard drugs.
What do you tell the voices in your head, when they get uncomfortably loud?
Lenny - 10/2/2001

Scream, "Shut UP! Shut UP!" at the top of my lungs.
I have three nipples. Will this be detrimental to my sex life?
Sarah - 10/2/2001

It hasn't been a problem for me... uh. I mean... I wouldn't know!
Should I punish the terrorists now, or wait a little while to let them feel like they are free of my wrath, before kicking their ass?
God - 10/2/2001

This is you're f*cking fault anyway. If you weren't such an absentee deity, maybe none of this shit would have happened.
Matt, my mom's birthday is coming up. What should I get her?
Not an orphan - 9/5/2001

Why don't you get up off your butt and get a job. She'd like that.
any idea how to get rid of heat rash?
curious - 9/5/2001

Baby powder is the answer.
I was planning to parachute onto the statue of liberty, but now that someone beat me to it, I think it might seem like I am copy-catting the stunt. Should I still try?
mr. charisma - 8/30/2001

I think you should still try it. No one expects you to be original anyway.
is it hard to be a homo?
birdhog - 8/30/2001

Why no... uh, i mean. How should i know!?!
Should I be afraid of the ideas of Karl Marx?
Not Karl Marx - 8/27/2001

not really.
why does god allow bad things to happen to us? like john lawton leaving?
not andrew or pat or john - 8/27/2001

who's john lawton?
Matt, Things suck pretty bad and I need a change. I think I want to join the US Armed Forces, but I am not sure which branch to join. I am partial to the Marines. WWMJD?
Mr. Wandeful - 8/27/2001

All I can say is "Be all that you can be."
Whoa nice beard. Can you surf?

Octo - 8/27/2001

A girl once tried to teach me to windsurf. It went incredibly badly.
What's the difference between an orange?
Manimal - 8/27/2001

What would I do????

Matt A. - 8/27/2001

No one cares.
matt, i've got some mean blues. what should i do?
azure - 8/23/2001

that's one i definitely wish i knew the answer to.
Matt, if you needed a letter written in English, translated to Latin, where would you go?
Jerry - 8/23/2001

to the town scribe.
will i have sex on my blind date saturday?
sim - 8/23/2001

Absolutely not.
Am I wasting my time here?
Darla - 8/23/2001

Quite probably.
i work at a phone sex chatline and find myself thinking naughty thoughts about robots, is there a connection?
g-money - 8/21/2001

am i getting fat?
genevieve - 8/21/2001

yes. but it's okay. really.
Matt, do you know anyone I can set my ex girlfriend up with to get her off my back? She's really quite a catch.
fowm - 8/21/2001

Then what's wrong with you?
Why can't I stop myself from showing "it" to girls.
Ryan - 8/20/2001

Because you're sick.
and the bone in the center of my chest that pokes out is starting to worry me because i think it is poking out far too much?

also, how many questions can i post before you send the police after me?
torpedo! - 8/20/2001

quite a few, aparently. (and dont worry about the bone, its really just gristle)
Matt, I have not heard back from you in quite some time. Are you still alive? I hope so. I can't go back to presenting my questions to Jesus. That fucking guy never gets back to me.
Yeeski - 8/20/2001

Jesus and I just got back from a holiday. But even on the beach we were concerned about your spiritual life.
When I bas back there in seminary school, there was a person there who put forth the proposition, that you can petition the Lord with prayer. Is this possible?
Jim - 8/18/2001

yes. it's possible. but he's pretty busy, so maybe you should just tell me what you want.
if a=b and b=c, then a=c, right?

so if i like john lawton, and john lawton likes ghost world, does that mean i like ghost world? i guess so.
possibly rich - 8/10/2001

trust me. you like ghost world.
Are there any dumb questions?
fleebis - 8/10/2001

God - 8/10/2001

Because you were bad.
dear matt,
why are humans ruining the world?

mother earth - 8/10/2001

To make way for the robots.
Why do people tell lies?
Adam - 8/10/2001

They don't.
What does Matt oppose more, fish as pets, or cole slaw?
Giuseppe - 8/10/2001

cole slaw. definitely.
do you know anyone that would be raising sitting hens?
Amafa - 8/3/2001

um, no.
dear matt,
what did you do with your "tax relief" refund check?
george w. bush - 8/3/2001

Haven't got mine, yet. However, I plan to relieve some of my debt.
Do you know anything about tropical fish? My Pirana seems depressed.Its fins are sagging. It also does not eat much, it just severs the head from the bodies of its food. The fools in the pet store know NOTHING! WWMJD?
Rosco - 8/3/2001

Matt has a long standing oppostion to fish as pets.
I've grown a third nipple. Is it safe to just shave it off?
natester - 8/3/2001

You don't just GROW a third nipple! You get them at BIRTH!
What do you consider to be your "money maker"?
Largo - 8/2/2001

my dancing monkey.
How did the assassin lose his ear? Was it burned off, or shot off? It looks kind of melted, but I am not too shoes. If he really is an assassin, then his cane must be fitted with a blade or a gun too right? I'll bet he walks just fine.
Winston - 8/2/2001

I don't have an answer for this one, but I thought everyone should see this.
When I got home yesterday from IKEA I found that my new table looked great but I look like hell. Should I move to IKEA?
Handsome Dan - 8/1/2001

Dude, that's New Jersey you're talking about!
Can you reccomend a reputable brand of anti gravity boots?
Fillip - 7/30/2001


which is the better hang over food....
BBQ chicken, drenched in sauce of BBQ, or a delicious McDonald's meal deal?
hung over  - 7/30/2001

I'm gonna have to say FRIED chicken, not barbeque.
My pimp hand and I had a pretty rough weekend. When I woke up this morning my pimp hand was very swollen. Any suggestions?
Sweet - 7/30/2001

Tell them bitches to act right so you won't be needing to slap them around.
is john lawton a "catch"? that's the word on the street.

Sweet Pea - 7/29/2001

damn straight he is.
I just ate this great reuben. May I swim before waiting 30 minutes?
lardo - 7/29/2001

Now we don't want you to get cramps and drown!
matt, are they really out to get me?
majestic - 7/29/2001

yes they are. watch out for the black helicopters.
Niel Diamond is playing live on The Today Show outside my office right now, and I am kind of enjoying the performance. Should I be concerned?
Not Tom Jones - 7/27/2001

I don't believe in guilty pleasures. If you're enjoying it, go with it. (at least it's not James Taylor or something.)
Yesterday while sitting on the can & reading Soldier of Fortune, in my 1st floor apt. I heard what sounded like someone breaking in the window. When I went to see what happened, my A/C was gone and I saw a red car drive away. Any ideas where it could be?
Buzz - 7/27/2001

Damn. I KNEW this AC was too good to be true.
James Taylor beats Neil Diamond's skinny white ass!
Not James Taylor - 7/27/2001

Neil Diamond would show "Baby" James the Pimp Hand and you know it.
How can I avoid working for the rest of my cursed remaining days?
Wuuf - 7/25/2001

become a hobo.
I try to be more like you every day Matt. I drink the Mountain Dew. I love the taste, but it don't like the gas. Is it acceptable if I drink lemon lime Gatorade? It looks like the M. Dew, but it has no fizz.
your protege - 7/25/2001

Mtn. Dew is the nectar of the Gods. Don't believe that there are any substitutes.
I really need to beat down some of the morons I work with. What is the best way to dispense workplace vigilantism without getting fired? Perhaps wearing a mask?
The Rover - 7/25/2001

fire bomb.
Matt, who do you think would win this Celebrity Deathmatch:

Jesus or Monkey Robot?

Rocket Launchers are definitely allowed
Quaker - 7/20/2001

I'm gonna have to go with Jesus. He's a cold calculating mofo. But he probably wouldn't want to fight anyway.
Why is it that some women who posess a nice tight ass still wear those grandma's briefs style underwear? What a turn off. G-strings should be a government mandate!
backdoorman - 7/20/2001

I'm concerned about you.
Matt, the fire alarm just went off in my office, and you can actually smell something burning. Should I propose a "quickie" in the now empty storage room with the beautiful girl who sits next to me, or flee with the other cowards?
Mr. SK-1 - 7/20/2001

I'm gonna have to go with a "NO. Jackass."
How happy am I?
(So Happy) - 7/20/2001

Probably somewhere around "goofy grin" happy.
Do you prefer to hold on tight to your monkey, or to beat him senseless?
Fitch - 7/19/2001

Adina has never eaten bacon? what is up with that?
HamBone - 7/19/2001

Unfortunately some cultures believe that any meat that comes from an animal with a "cloven" hoof is unclean. Adina comes from a proud tradition of these sadly misguided people.

Having grown up Christian, i have no built in predudice against this most succulent of meats. However i'm pretty sure it's made of pure evil.
what's with the monkey and the holding tight?
monkeyless - 7/16/2001

It's this story that Adina told about the monkey and the balloon that started it all.
Why should I go on?
Cecil James - 7/16/2001

I'm not sure you should. Maybe you should switch to doing something you're better at. Like knitting.
Matt, is there a better way, and if so, what is it?
Shaggy - 7/16/2001

I'm pretty sure that the best way to go about ANYTHING is to not care.
Matt, how can you track somebody down to see where they live if you have lost touch with them over the years?
Van - 7/16/2001

If you've got an old sock or something you could use a bloodhound.
Does it hurt?
Curious - 7/13/2001

Man, It hurts like hell.
will you look back fondly on the summer of 2001...
wishing i was drinking pina coladas at bar - 7/13/2001

No. I'm already looking forward to the fall, though.
WWMJD if a cat started to scratch the shit out of him while giving his parrot a shower?
Red Beard - 7/13/2001

Why exactly would i be giving this parrot a shower?
I'm starting to think that summer equals bummer. Prove me wrong.

John Lawton - 7/13/2001

alright. look at this.
What's up with that girl?
justwondering - 7/9/2001

I just don't know.
brooklyn or da bronx?
moving - 7/9/2001

Brooklyn, Hell yeah.
should i stay or should i go?
wanderlust - 7/6/2001

if you go there will be trouble. if you stay there will be double.
If you see my little red rooster, please, please send him home.
W.D. - 7/6/2001

There ain't no peace in the barnyard, since the little red rooster been gone.
Work late or go home?
I hate my job - 7/5/2001

go home.
How do you shake the blues?
Blue - 7/4/2001

I've never been able to. Quite often, someone else shakes them for you.
How do I convince people that even though I am going to Fire Island I am not gay?
Bruce - 7/4/2001

Work out alot, walk around in public without your shirt, and push people on the ground who are smaller than you.
assassin or druid?
diablo - 7/2/2001

assassin, baby!
tamara is taking care of our cat this weekend. you don't think she's going to try to teach it 'comedy' or anything?
iLikeMyUnfunnyCat - 6/29/2001

There is definitely a risk. If you come home and kero is making pirate jokes, you know you're in trouble.
Is it true that we can't tax corporations because they will just raise consumer costs? Should we just challenge them to a gunfight on Main Street instead? I am so worried!
ambrose - 6/28/2001

I don't support corporations OR gunfights. Oh bother, what to do.
married or single?
mitzi - 6/28/2001

rain or shine
fleebis - 6/28/2001

SHINY. (Like Rich's pants.)
turn or burn?
smiling destroyer - 6/28/2001

Yo MaJo how do ya'll get dem loud ass bitches to shut they mouth?
Pist - 6/28/2001

You really can't.
I heard John Lawton likes that true?
nooneinparticular - 6/22/2001

I think you'll have to ask him. But not at work. That'd be sexual harrassment.
Who is that Pat-mas guy in the photo's of fun section - all I can say is "Wow"
horny over 40 - 6/22/2001

Yeah. Pat's a looker alright. But the smell ruins it.
Mexican or Chinese?
Hungry - 6/22/2001

I just love the T-shirts Bruce Vilanch wears on "Hollywood Squares." I'd like to find out where he buys them
Leo - 6/22/2001

Damn, what do you think this is? Hollywood Insider? Ask someone who cares.
Can I keep pets here?
pony - 6/22/2001

We love pets here at happyrobot. I hope they're cute.
Why do people insist on saying that a baby is soooo cuuuute, and making such a big deal when the truth is, most babies are cute? (Yes I know all babies are not cute)
Sally Boy - 6/22/2001

They're training the young in the art of making obvious statements. An art the child will need to master in order to succede in daily conversations with his/her peers.
dsl or cable
frootcake - 6/22/2001

DSL if you're not faint of heart. It's a better service. But the cable modem is nice 'n easy.
Who would win in a fight between Matt Johnson and all of the Robots?
Assface - 6/12/2001

I can't even beat HumongoTron in a fair fight. How am I supposed to win against ALL the robots?
i tried to click on "give me money" on the robot home page... i really wanted to give money, but it wasn't a link... what should i do with all this money? (blowing it all on expensive hookers again is out of the question...)
van - 6/7/2001

I think you should try harder to give it to the happyrobot.
matt: wash and fold? or do you do it yourself?
nottodd - 6/7/2001

wash and fold. you know it.
Who is that Kristen chick in the 'photos of fun' area? I have one word to say-WOW!!!
Felix - 6/7/2001

Everybody loves our kristen.
so when do i get to have fun?
forlorn - 6/7/2001

um. never.
Does Matt Johnson miss me?
Detained - 5/30/2001

Matt Johnson never misses.
if i can't find anyone to look after my cat this weekend, do you think matt johnson would drop by once and see if she's ok? or is that just silly?
kero's dad - 5/30/2001

i'd be happy to look after the sweet (but lethal) little thing.
what would you do if your super's friend set off a bomb in your basement?
you knew this was coming - 5/30/2001

I'd get the hell out of that building full of crazies.
should i give it all up and go to law school
sick of it all - 5/24/2001

I think that's a great idea.
If Matt Johnson was a freelancer and made his own schedule, what would he do with all that free time?
pajammy - 5/24/2001

He would go to a lot of matinees.
what is up with H&M? their clothes fit me real funny
lumpy - 5/22/2001

Maybe you're just funny shaped.
What should I have for lunch today?
Hungry - 5/22/2001

a grilled cheese sandwich, and some dill gerkhins.
Do you think old Samsonite luggage is cool, and if so, will it help me pick up girls?
Still Single - 5/22/2001

I don't know from Samsonite, but I wouldn't go putting girls in ANY luggage.
Doesn't Taiwai Rock!
Party On, Dude! - 5/22/2001

Hell Yeah.
I'm not an alcoholic, I'm a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings. Not really a question, but I liked that tee-shirt
Drunk - 5/22/2001

If Matt Johnson could not live in NYC or N. Carolina, where would he live?
Geographically Puzzled - 5/22/2001

Rome. Or San Francisco.
Is it a sin to look at old Carly Simon album covers with lust in your heart?
Jimmy Carter - 5/22/2001

Of course not.
if you were to pursue a different career, what would it be?
please enlighten - 5/15/2001

girl chaser.
matt...not a question, but just wanted to say that your answer about what to do while in Chicago was utterly perfect.
tammy - 5/15/2001

What should I do if I am unable to email my questions to Mj for several weeks? (because of the stupid tech guys at my company who can't find a new internet provider) Where can I seek guideance?
The Mummy - 5/15/2001

John Lawton has been training as my understudy. You could try getting in touch with him.
do you remember that time you and me were rememberin'?
Hcrir - 5/15/2001

i forget.
Would Matt Johnson stay off of Mt. Dew forever?
caffeinated - 5/15/2001

If he has to. yes.
My company's internet provider went bankrupt which means all service will eventually stop. My company's cracker jack tech department is saying we will have no email & internet for A FEW WEEKS until they find a new provider. Why is it going to take so long?
Art - 5/4/2001

because they're stupid.
Yo, M-Diddy
How should I celebrate Cinco de Mayo?
Jose - 5/4/2001

You should un-cork a bottle of Mountain Dew and party 'til "Sexto de Mayo"!
I'm having terrible mood swings and I'm not a girl, what do you suggest?
superman - 5/3/2001

I think it's time for you to stop the hormone therapy, then.
What should I do if Madonna calls and asks for you?
Chico - 5/3/2001

Just give me the phone. I can deal with her.
so john goes and gets his own apartment. do you think he will turn it into a 'Smoove-B' love pad? or is that just crazy talk.
Sammy - 5/3/2001

If he's a REAL man he certainly will. Look out ladies, "Lady Killa Lawton" is on the loose!
wwmjd if he went to cuba?
fie-dale - 5/3/2001

He'd get a tattoo that said "Hecho en Cuba".
My friend is staying with me, but won't have brunch with me and my ex together, so we will all be at the same restaurant at the same time but not together. Is he lame?
Happily Split Up - 5/3/2001

no you are.
What's the best cure for a hangover?
David - 4/29/2001

The best cure for a hangover is to AVOID the hangover. But I guess it's too late for that. I'm a big fan of "laying in bed groaning" therapy myself. Once I can stand, the first thing I do is eat a greasy breakfast and drink a coke over ice.
What should we do with Raquel in Chicago?
Greg and David - 4/29/2001

How did you get Raquel to Chicago?!? Give her back! While you've got her there treat her nice.

Itenerary for perfect Chicago Day:
1. Sleep late.
2. Day game at Wrigley Field (Cubbies lose, but so what).
3. Dinner at Giordano's for a stuffed pie.
4. Movie at the Music Box Theatre.
5. Late night Jazz at the Green Mill.
I thought Matt Johnson was off Mountain Dew
MillDew - 4/26/2001

He is. But Mountain Dew is still the Nectar of the Gods.

Why are your balls such a big deal?
Not Patrick Kinsella - 4/26/2001

they're not.
I am having a hard time keeping it together at work. Stress! What to do?
Raymond - 4/25/2001

Be careful Raymond, Stress can cause you to break out! And no one likes a pimply faced, irate guy. Maybe you could ask your nearest coworker to administer a 10 minute chair massage.
Whats the first step I can take to get on the road to becoming more like Matt Johnson?
Un-Matt Johnson - 4/25/2001

First, go and buy some Mountain Dew™.
Do you think sometimes people are just jealous of you?
Doug - 4/25/2001

Not me, certainly.
Manimal wasn't as good as I thought it was at the time was it?
Franklin - 4/25/2001

What's MJ opinion on long distance relationships?
doesn't like NYC girls - 4/25/2001

I'm all for NYC girls. There's no need to go outta town.
Matt, why does the subway smell so bad this time of year?
Brock - 4/24/2001

Where would M-Lo recommend as a vacation spot?
Need one desperately - 4/24/2001

I'm headed to Cuba in May.

(I also like Italy, NC Outer Banks, and San Francisco)
MJ, its getting hot out, I am not overweight, and I have a problem with sweting profusely around this time of year. What can I do?
Sabino - 4/23/2001

Baby powder is your friend.
Confusius say: "He who drop watch in toilet, have shitty time." What does Matt Johnson say?
General Tso - 4/23/2001

How did anyone take Confusius seriously with his grammar problem?
Do you think this is going to be the best summer ever, and if so do you think we're all going to be friends forever?
John - 4/23/2001

There'll be a lot of hard life lessons this summer, but yes. It will be the best ever. And 20 years from now we'll make the "Big Chill" look like a bunch of strangers on the bus.
If someone smelled something bad and said, "Hey, Matt-dude, this smells so bad, you gotta check it out." what would you do?
Camper - 4/23/2001

Hey, NO WAY!
Do you just make it look easy?
Leash Boy - 4/23/2001

I took the day off, because I lost my toupee while on a fast moving boat over the weekend. I can't afford to buy another quality one right now. What do I do?
Brice - 4/23/2001

cotton candy and brown spray paint. should get you going for about 5 bucks.
will the fact that "pat" is moving in next door give matt more or less headaches??
curious at your 10:00 - 4/20/2001

definitely more.
Matt, I am a very sensitive guy. What can I do to put an end to that?
Blake - 4/20/2001

wear 2 condoms.
Does Matt Johnson think girls should spit, swallow or use it as a creme rinse?
porn star - 4/20/2001

I think the ladies should do whatever they feel most comfortable doing. [However, there is something very DIRTY, in a good way, about the swallowers.]
Matt, I do not have access to a shower right now, so whats a good remedy for ridding oneself of the condition known as 'swamp ass' while at work?
Chuck - 4/19/2001

Dude, swamp ass is HARD to get rid of. Especially at work. I recommend going to the Russian Baths.
What does Matt Johnson do when he gets that "not so fresh" feeling?
Not so fresh - 4/18/2001

Shower with Mountain Dew.
There are a few angry fellows who stand on 7th ave & 34th almost everyday, violently cursing and threatening all white men who pass. Why do they do that? Is it legal?
George - 4/18/2001

It IS legal and they do it just to harass you.
Does Matt Johnson wear pants while he answers these questions?
Eric - 4/18/2001

only sometimes.
Matt, I hear, but I don't listen.
Sid - 4/18/2001

should i go back to work one day a week for a company that let me go a few months ago?
on the fence - 4/17/2001

Only if they prove they REALLY love you. (and I'm sure they do.)
what should i be when i grow up?
tinkerbell - 4/17/2001

a pirate.
dude, do you think she likes me?
redstar101 - 4/17/2001

Of course she does.
does matt have days when he just feels "frumpy"?
frumpadumpolic - 4/17/2001

all of them
Do you fear for your job?
a goddess - 4/16/2001

Hey Matt, just wanted to say Happy Easter, up your kiester, spread your legs, and show me your eggs.
Vanessa - 4/16/2001

Why did God take Stevie Ray Vaughn from us?
paul - 4/16/2001

Because he loves us. [But I'm thinking we've fallen out of favor, since he took Joey Ramone.]
If one of your friends in NC legally changed her name from Lynn to Marla, would MJ prefer to receive a formal announcement, or hear it through the grapevine?
Larl... I mean Mynn... aargh - 4/15/2001

Well, I'd PREFER to see it written in icing on a Baskin Robbins ice cream cake.
I just wanted to tell you Matt, that I hate everyone. Thank you.
Enrique - 4/13/2001

We hate you back.
I am about to embark in a career as an actor in adult films, and I need a catchy new name. What name would MJ suggest?
Nameless Nymph - 4/12/2001

Randy or Candy Stickrod, depending on your gender.
Matt, do you wanna walk the stations of the cross with me tomorrow?
Jon - 4/12/2001

Sorry, I'm afraid of the Israeli-Palestinian fighting.
Does God ever ask you for anything?
Not God - 4/11/2001

Every once in while He ghost writes these answers for me.
MJ, on payday I used to enjoy flirting with and picking up my paystub from this cute little girl down in accounting. But now we have to pick them up from this nasty bitch in HR. Why did they do that?
Dove - 4/10/2001

Are you sure it's not the same girl? You probably just pissed her off.
Matt, I got chewing gum in my hair. Do I have to cut it out in order to remove it, or is there another way? Please hurry before it gets hard!!
Carmen - 4/10/2001

Use peanut butter. really.
Does Matt Johnson watch The Sopranos, and if so, why do they often leave parts of the story line flapping in the breeze?
Old Man Baccala - 4/9/2001

The only thing that should be "flapping in the breeze" around here is your panties!
Does Matt Johnson ride the baloney poney?
Darwin - 4/9/2001

No, but i do enjoy a nice olive loaf.
is matt johnson a pessimist?
mom - 4/5/2001

Only when it comes to you.
I need some good reading material. Any suggestions?
Damian StJames - 4/4/2001

would matt johnson ever travel far without a little Big Star?
? - 4/4/2001

absolutely not.
I know hell is real because we are in it right now, but is heaven real?
not God - 4/4/2001

Heaven is real, but you can't get there by trying.
If I kill my boss, can you recommend the best way to hide the evidence?
Corbin - 4/4/2001

Under the bed DEFINITELY won't work...
How will it end?
corky - 4/3/2001

Does MJ condone the consumption of chinese food?
Couching Tiger Hidden Eggroll - 4/3/2001

Heartily. Try Wo Hop (17 Mott St. Downstairs)
WWMJD if his mentor and sole source of guideance had, without warning, dissappeared for a week?
Dale - 4/2/2001


matty J hasn't done a damn thing in almost a week. what's up?
van - 3/28/2001

calm down. i'm back. just went on a 7 day cookie break.
I am attracted to a well endowed woman in my office. When nobody is looking, I secretly like to stroke her winter coat that is hanging in the closet, and sniff it too occasionally. Is this OK as long as nobody gets hurt or finds out.
Maurice - 3/28/2001

Listen, Space Cowboy. They always find out. They always get hurt. Stop f*ing around.
Is matt gonna answer any more questions or has he given up on humanity?
distraught without spiritual advisor - 3/27/2001

god rested on the 7th day. I rested 7 days straight. get off my back...
Can you reccomend a reputable leech therapist?
Bloody Mary - 3/26/2001

uh, no.
WWMJD if for some reason he was forced to give up his life sustaining Mountain Dew?
Angelica - 3/23/2001

this is a question i'm not prepared to answer.
How do you feel towards marshmallow peeps?
The Easter Bunny - 3/23/2001

filled with hate.
Do you sometimes feel like the people in your life who are supposed to be your allies, are actually plotting and conspiring against you behind your back?
Not the Momma - 3/22/2001

I feel as if I am not properly equipped to be doing, what it is I am not supposed to be doing.
Shaggy - 3/21/2001

Your equipment shouldn't matter if you dont' do it.
what advice would you give to the 7 "UP YOURS" guy??? - 3/16/2001

Stay in bed.
Do you think there is such a thing at too much gravy?
Gravyboat Skipper - 3/14/2001

That's like asking "Can there be too much love?".

Of course not.
What's the difference between trance and ambient music?
Just Curious - 3/14/2001

zzzzzzzzzzz. [snort] Hunh? Oh nothing really.
Do you know any annoying methods of harrassment I can use on my prick of a boss with, but not get caught?
Thin Mints - 3/14/2001

Send the 7-Up Yours™ guy to their desk everyday.
WWMJD really missed the point on fast food fried chicken. popeyes pretty much rocks.
Sweet Pea - 3/12/2001

HEY. Like I told the UN-Colonel, earlier. POPEYES has the best fast food chicken. Don't you listen? Clean yer ears, asshole.
Matt me boy-o,

It would best suit you to lay off my lad Patrick. We Kinsella's don't take kindly to this kind of harrassment.

The Clan Kinsella - 3/12/2001

You'll take 'til I stop giving!
Who would win in a fight between Don Cheadle and Pat Kinsella?
John - 3/9/2001

Did you know I'm special?
Tommy - 3/9/2001

Everyone knows you're special. Your momma told us when she brought you to class.
Have you ever thought that maybe you are wrong?
The Agitator - 3/9/2001

NEVER. And neither should you.
If you don't suggest eating cole slaw, do you suggest cole slaw wrestling?
Boomer - 3/9/2001

Sounds awfully messy. I don't know if can condone any sport that results in mayonaise between the toes.
Jesus keeps telling me I should unmercifully kick your ass for giving fraudulent advice. Should I listen to him?
Eugene - 3/8/2001

That doesn't sound like the Jesus I know. Are you sure you weren't talking to Elvis?
Are you sick? Sunkist Orange Soda rules. You're out of your mind. Thats not too good buddy.
Henry - 3/7/2001

I'd appreciate it if you kept your deranged ravings out of this forum!
How does Matt Johnson feel about Diet Mountain Dew?
slim - 3/6/2001

Why does PepsiCo torment me? What is the point of bringing this monstrosity into the world?
Why can't I stop looking up the mannequin's skirt everytime I pass by one?
Val - 3/5/2001

Because you're a sick little puppy.
What would you do if your husband filled up the whole house with geek spooge - bits o wire, circuit boards, dead copiers, etc.?
As if you didn't know - 3/3/2001

I would probably spend my free time trying to wire it all up into a 20ft tall Galaga replica.
Have you ever tried Seattle style much better than New Haven style!!!
John - 3/3/2001

Whatever. Just shut up and go to Fascati's Pizza on Henry St. in Brooklyn. It is the best. Worldwide.
Why does MIDI even exist?
Too Much Surfing - 3/1/2001

It's a lithmus test of taste. Anyone who uses it has none. (MIDI users are gonna go to the 7th ring of Hell).
Would you settle an arguement for me please? Greatest band of all time is... (I know you are going to say the right answer which is n'sync) NOT!
Ted - 2/28/2001

I will not settle this argument. Use the force. The answer will come from within. (NO. Not that. That's a fart. The answer is a little to the left.)
Do some of these questions ever make you go "damn!"?
your mom - 2/28/2001

They all do.
If I wanted to have an eastern north carolina bbq of my own, could I substitue the pig with oh, say the first born child of my ex wife and her moosecock sucking new husband?
Gil - 2/27/2001

I don't think "baby" is an appropriate substitute meat. So I think that you should try shredded moosecock, instead.
In the church of Matt Johnson, do they celebrate the eucharist with Mountain Dew and Doritos, or bitter wine and tasteless host wafers like in the church of Jesus Christ?
SRV - 2/27/2001

Mountain Dew™ and Little Debbie™ snack cakes.
What the hell is an eastern NC style bbq, and does it involve roasted animal flesh being served off of swords?
Barbecuey - 2/23/2001

Well. First of all, you dig a hole in the ground. No, really. Then you build a fire in the hole. Seriously. Then you put a pig in the firey hole. Don't laugh. Douse the pig in sauce. Cover pig. Bury pig. Hours later, dig up scrumptious booty. Add more sauce (vinegar based). Eat.
Why haven't we seen Satanicide yet?
John - 2/23/2001

Because we're pussies who can't take the heat.
What would you do if you had the latest Sting song stuck in your head and you were normally a gentleman of impeccable taste?
Worried Man - 2/23/2001

I'd make it my mission to track down and kill him.
Matt this guy on the F train today was telling his friend that White Castle has the best fried chicken. What is your professional opinion?
Not the Colonel - 2/23/2001

Don't trust guys on the F train when it comes to chicken. When it comes to Fast Food chicken, it's Popeye's all the way.

ps. I make a mean fried chicken myself.
how come girls are so darn cute
Hank - 2/23/2001

to make you cry.
Would Matt Johnson mind if I tatooed an image of his face on my chest?
Tatooey - 2/22/2001

go right ahead.
Caffeine is to Mountain Dew as:
A. Bacteria: Yoplait
B. Yeast: Saltines
C. Formaldehyde: Twinkies
D. Cellulose Gel: Kraft Dijonnaise

van - 2/22/2001

I'm gonna have to go with: A.
What does Matt Johnson do for fun... aside from mess around with Megan?
not John Lawton's sister - 2/21/2001

Knowing Megan, I don't have time for much else.
I worry that the page is becoming more about my sister and less about what you would do. So I have to know: would you do my sister?
John Lawton - 2/21/2001

I'm a bit concerned about your continual pimping of your own sister. But the answer is Yes. I would.

Did you know that JFK was the first president to be born in the 20th century?
Handy - 2/21/2001

...but what if I really like Cole Slaw - isn't there something I can do?
Arnold Slawsenagger - 2/21/2001

You can eat it. But don't ask me how to deal with the results!
Matt, I'm flying from NY to Seattle on Saturday, approximately how many road beers is that?
Shemp - 2/21/2001

What's a road beer? Anyway, I drink Vodka tonics.
They say you can tell a lot about a man by what he eats. So aside from Mountain Dew, what is Matt johnson's favorite food?
Foodie - 2/21/2001

I really miss southern cooking. Especially eastern NC style barbeque.
what kind of pants would matt buy today? more brown ones? or more blue ones?
robin - 2/21/2001

brown. shiny.
If people go to church to pay homage to that guy Jesus, where can I go to pay homage to Matt Johnson?
Not Jesus - 2/21/2001

You can pay homage to me anywhere, thank you.
Matt, is eastern NC style barbeque anything like New Haven style barbeque?
The Colonel - 2/21/2001

New Haven style BBQ? You're outta your mind. That's like saying that New Haven has a "style" of pizza. And we all know that it doesn't.
hey matt what would you do to your sister if she accidently stole your toothpaste and then didn't talk to you for a month?
sis missing her bro - 2/20/2001

I'd buy new toothpaste. Then I'd challenge her to a game of Super Mario 64.
Would Matt Johnson ever change to the blue team?
Red - 2/20/2001

Never. All them bitch ass blue suckas better beware!
i think i am doing my taxes today, do you think this is too early, or should i wait until April 14 at midnight and have a taxi driver race me to the post office and put innocent bystanders in jeopardy?
BobV - 2/17/2001

What I'd do and what you should do are 2 totally different things. I WOULD wait til the last minute on the 14th. Preferably leaving some public event (like a baseball game) halfway thru at 10:30, to go do them.
Matt Johnson...yer pretty...
John's sister - 2/16/2001

Hi Megan,
Let's do it.
I think it's mean that everyone keeps picking on Megan just becuase her stupid brother works with Matt Johnson.
Megan's friend - 2/16/2001

You're RIGHT. Let's start talking about all the guys that JOHN LAWTON has screwed!!!
On a scale of 1-10 what would MJ rate this broad named Megan?
Pasquale - 2/16/2001

HEY! Megan's no broad! She's a nice girl. Right, John?
I am not stupid....I'm special, there's a difference you know.
A Friend of John Lawton - 2/16/2001

Tell John Lawton that he has to stop living in the shadow of his sister. (Hard as that may be.)
What would you do if you got cole slaw all over your best shirt?
Mike Olofson - 2/16/2001

How many times do I have to tell you people? NO COLE SLAW!
It's getting crowded in my pants, what would you do?
Taft - 2/16/2001

Send Megan home.
wwmjd if he got writer's block?
writey - 2/15/2001

um. i dunno.
Why won't my nose stop running?
Sneezy - 2/14/2001

becasue you snort too much cocaine.
How would Matt Johnson spend Valentine's Day if he were single?
simply single - 2/14/2001

pretending it didn't exist.
Should I fear you?
Ronaldo - 2/14/2001

What would you do if some sucka-bitch kept trying to step to you?
Moe - 2/13/2001

i'd tell the mutha to step off.
What would MJ do if he had to take a support call in the middle of a Quake game?
John Lawton - 2/13/2001

Trust me, frag whoever is on the phone, and get back in the game.
WWMJD if the big boss wouldn't leave so the peons could drink beer and swear freely?
George W. - 2/13/2001

No fuckin' big boss is gonna stop me from drinking my beverage of choice and swearing freely. ever.
Which would you rather do, go down to Florida and get some sand in your shoes or maybe Californy and get some sand in your shoes?

JC - 2/13/2001

no offense to all those idiots in Florida, but Florida sucks. Go to Cali.
What to do when you are broke and payday is 4 days away?
Wage earner - 2/12/2001

Work late, the company will buy dinner.
It turns out the DVD porn wasn't formatted for my computer. Should I throw it away or give it to a friend?
Helen - 2/7/2001

No gift says love like PORN. So give the gift of porn, today.
A professor of mine showed me an illustrated book of Japanese paper puppets to be worn on the phallus. I never mentioned it to anyone. Should I have? He'd won a Pulitzer prize.
Jeron - 2/7/2001

Damn, I wish you'd told me before now. Were these used in some sort of erotic puppet show? porn puppets. wow.
If Jesus has the Bible, what does Matt Johnson have?
Rudolfo - 2/6/2001

why don't you like me?
 - 2/6/2001

A blintze or a knish?
Harley - 2/6/2001

MJ, I just got out of prison last month, and this week I am going on my first date as a free man. Any suggestions to help me stop myself from wanting to jump this girls bones to soon? I don't want to screw things up.
Pasquale - 2/5/2001

Ahh, with credentials like prison to recommend you, I'm sure she'll jump YOUR bones.
WWMJD if his sister was as big a whore as John Lawton's?
No Relation to John Lawton - 2/5/2001

Hey, Megan's no WHORE, she just likes to do it with any guy who asks.
I friend of mine gave me some bottleg porn on DVD. I've never seen porn on DVD, although I have seen porn--I worked in a video store years ago. My question is--should I tell my wife I brought home DVD porn or is this one of those don't ask don't tells?
Jimmy - 2/5/2001

Definitely, don't tell.
In terms of remodeling--would it be selfish to take two closets and create a studio? Where would we put our clothes? I was thinking a wardrobe?
Harmon - 2/5/2001

A true artist needs no clothes.
I'm thinking of naming my son Matt Johnson in order to honor my lord and savior. But do you think that will make him an evil kid? (Like Spanish boys named Jesus and angel?)
Knocked Up - 2/3/2001

I think you should name him Kid Rachim.

I'm personally gonna name my kid "Jazzbo". (no really)
Do you know that saying about work:
"There has to be a better way."
Well Matt what is that way?
Oxford - 2/2/2001

Live off the fat of the land. (oh, and the royalty checks you're still mysteriously receiving for your appearance on one episode of punky brewster)
First of all that's my sister you're talking about!
Second, she's never even been with a guy, dude!!!
The Original John Lawton - 2/2/2001

Yeah, she's never been with A guy. But FOUR, that's more her style.
Is John Lawton a cry baby?
Just wondering - 2/1/2001

Big Time.
Is it wrong to sleep with your friends sister?
I dogged Megan Lawton - 2/1/2001

Of course, unless it's Lawton's sister.
Do you reccomend mixing anything alcoholic with Mountain Dew like rum & Coke, or is it best left in its natural unfettered state.
Shylo - 2/1/2001

A friend of mine mixes Mtn Dew with whiskey. But the sugary goodness of the Nectar of the Gods is enough for me.
WWMJD if he suspected that a particular person might send him a Valentine: send that person a card, running the risk of looking flirtatious if he doesn't receive a card in return, or not send a card, running the risk of being a big jerk?
Cupid Alley-Oopid - 1/31/2001

Definitely send the valentine. There's nothing wrong with being a little flirtatious.

What would you do if you ex-wife needs help and won't get it?
Alex B. - 1/31/2001

My policy is to have no ex-wives.
How do you prevent anxiety attacks?
Mr. Coffee - 1/31/2001

I stop giving a shit.
Does John Lawton have a sister?
Interested - 1/31/2001

Yeah, Megan's great.
Does your mom know you are doing this?
Embracing Jesus in My Heart - 1/31/2001

Leave my mom outta this.
Would Matt Johnson ever resort to camping to win a Quake match?
quake gurl - 1/31/2001

Anything to keep team RED in the at the top of the list.
If god is all powerful can he create a set of balls so big even he can't kick them?
Anonymous - 1/31/2001

The real question is can he create balls so large that Kinsella can't kick them?
If life hands you lemons are you really gonna make lemonade....cuz that's kinda gay dude!
Arlo - 1/31/2001

Let's just say that life presented me a mountain, and i made Mountain Dew™.
Sometimes I don't know whether to shit or go blind. Any suggestions?
John - 1/31/2001

Hey penis breath, what gives you the authority to be giving people such lame advice? I should have you maimed!
God - 1/31/2001

You wanna go? We can go. Let's do this, old man.
What would you do if on of your co-workers who was normally a pretty nice guy turned into a big baby on the Quake field?
Not John Lawton  - 1/30/2001

I would spend most of the game humiliating him.
If you kick Matt Johnson in the balls in the woods and you're wearing sneakers does it make a sound (the kick not Matt)?
You Know Who - 1/30/2001

If you were like lightning you wouldn't need no sneakers.
my friend is having a birthday this weekend. what should i get him? he already has a cuisinart.
at a loss in 718 - 1/30/2001

A robot butler is always nice.
When do you tell girl A that you are seeing girl B?
Jesse J. - 1/30/2001

You don't. You choose between A and B. Don't double time. It's bad news.
Matt, the women at work are all over me, & I want to keep them all satisfied. But its wearing me out. I need someone to help me keep the ladies smiling. You interested?
Felix - 1/30/2001

Hey, I'm NOBODY's wing man.
WWMJD if he finally realized that he was indeed going to die and there was nothing he could do about it?
Panic Attacked in da Bronx - 1/30/2001

I'm not afraid of death. Only a shitty life.
Does Mountain Dew promote general wellness to those who drink it?
Conrad - 1/29/2001

Absolutely. Mountain Dew is the Nectar of the Gods.
Where can one purchase a tiger mask like the one worn in "Look Out Tiger"?
Tigger - 1/26/2001

There's one in my office, right now.
Matt Johnson - let's say your boyfriend wants you to have dinner with his friends (who are not really your friends) and you really don't want to, but he really wants you to, so you consider it and decline. Are you being a snot if you'd rather be at home alone rather than meet new people?
jammy - 1/26/2001

Of course you're being a snot. But who cares. I wouldn't want to hang out with anyone's lame friends, either.
If a chick invites you out to dinner, and then slides the check over to you, since she has no balls to kick, can you kick her in the ass?
Solomon - 1/25/2001

HEY! Don't kick the ladies, jerk.

If you like her, and want to go out with her again, who really gives a damn who pays?
If Matt Johnson were to get a tattoo what would it depict?
saucy funky flunky - 1/25/2001

Winnie the Pooh?
A Mountain Dew?
The word F*ck?

I don't know. Guess that's why I don't have one.
matty J,
It has been reported that Mountain Dew Users may go on to use harder beverages.
Just thought you should know...
van - 1/25/2001

Thanks for the heads up, van! I'll be smoking crack in NO TIME.
WWMJD if his girlfriend one day told him: "I am applying for a job at your company, and there is nothing you can do to stop me!" and having your gf at work is not something you would care to deal with?
Glenn - 1/24/2001

I would just be glad that we have those intense hazing rituals at our office.
I'm going to hang myself off my balcony tonight if I don't get some nooky? Is there any reason I shouldn't?
nookyman - 1/24/2001

Matt Johson - There's two kinds of people in this world - the kickers and kicked - you my friend are about to become one of the kicked.
Anonymous Kinsella - 1/24/2001

Alright, Kinsella! Let's do this.
OK matt, this is a what would you wear question. Hey, you're all-knowing and powerful, right, so you must have killer fashion taste.

What would MJ wear to a blind date if he were a short hispanic woman?
I've got a blind date! - 1/24/2001

Matt Johnson only knows about jeans and ring tee's.
How late does it have to get at the office before you can break open the brewskis?
Homer - 1/24/2001

Well, my system administrator has one open already.
Would Matt Johnson use a semi gloss white or a flat beige paint in his living room?
Alfonso - 1/23/2001

I'll have to go with the flat beige, between the two.
What would you do if you had a co-worker you had to treat with courtesy and respect who was dumb as a post?
Ted K. - 1/23/2001

I would treat them with courtesy and respect and curse about them to my coworkers.
Is the "T" silent in "napalm"?
Dirk - 1/23/2001

no, but the "W" is.
What is your position on school vouchers?
Pat - 1/23/2001

Matt Johnson doesn't care for political questions.
If you were in a Buck Owens tribute band, what would you call it?
Milkmananarama - 1/23/2001

The Tall Dark Strangers.
WWYD if everything you touched at work turned to crap, and yet your love life was great?
Bill C. - 1/22/2001

Matt Johnson can't answer this question properly. You've described almost the exact opposite of my problems.
Matt, who would you suggest I put my money on in the SUPA-bowl?
Calvin - 1/22/2001

I would put my money on CBS [NYSE : VIA]
I'm thinking of killing a whole bunch of people at work - should I do it on Monday or Friday?
 - 1/21/2001

Killing them on Friday gives you more time to relax before the police come.
Matt, I have a bit of a cold right now. I am very dry in my mouth, and my nose bleeds. What should I do? Drink more water?
Aldo - 1/19/2001

Drink lots of liquids, and get a humidifier for your room.
matt - sometimes I don't have a question - sometimes I just want to tell you things... is that ok?
van - 1/19/2001

Anything you wanna say, I'm willing to listen to.
all the major urban centers seem to be completley filled with Pimps... what would you do if you wanted to break in to the business...?
Jimbo the Wall Street Pimp Wannabe - 1/19/2001

Break into the business? I AM the business.

You should watch "Pimps up, Ho's down." as an educational film.
Does Matt Johnson have anyone to turn to for advice?
Nemo - 1/18/2001

Mostly i just try and imagine how Buck Owens would portray my life in song.
WWMJD if they changed the Mountain Dew (R)formula and made it taste more like Sprite (R)?
Concerned Mt. Dew Drinker - 1/18/2001

I'd probably use it as an excuse to stop drinking soda.
WWMJD if he e-mailed John Lawton's sister and she never replied
Sensitive Guy - 1/18/2001

I don't know. She always gets right back to me.
What if you were going on a date with a new girl and your ex-wife showed up with her new boyfriend?
Alex Baldwin - 1/18/2001

I would shoot myself and my three brothers.
Where I grew up, we didn't have Mountain Dew, only "Mellow Yellow" Do you think that eplains anything?
Nor' Easter - 1/18/2001

You probably also prefer "New Haven Style" pizza. Whatever, yo-yo.
Exactly how many people does it take to protect your balls?
Curious - 1/18/2001

Usually I take care of it myself. But sometimes I have to call in troops.
What would you do if Pat Kinsella kicked you in the balls?
Ron - 1/18/2001

WWMJD if he had to choose between having the Spice Girls, or the Spice Channel?
Max Cady - 1/17/2001

what's the spice channel?
If you're not going to call John Lawton's sister, can you give me the number?
Tim - 1/17/2001

What am I, her Pimp???

ask her yourself:
what would you do if an earthquake hit and your bodega lost all their Mountain Dew?
Adam - 1/17/2001

Did someone say Quake?
What do you usually do when you wake up underneath a dead hooker?
Jim - 1/17/2001

Never, never, never have i woken up under a dead hooker. I swear.
What would you do if Jesus came back and said "Hey bitch, you're sitting in my seat."
Not Jesus - 1/17/2001

I'd give him his seat back.
If, say, Matt Johnson worked in computers, in let's say, a pre-ipo web startup, what would he do if the market was failing and dot-coms were going belly up?
1929 all over again - 1/17/2001

I'd shift the focus of the company to Human Resources and start listening to buck owens.
If someone offered a job, then didn't hire you - but instead hired everyone else that you know, what would you do?
Anonymous - 1/17/2001

That's a sad story, monkey man. I'd probably go on a ball kicking spree.
I wanna kick Matt Johnson square in the balls - any objections
I think you know who this is. - 1/17/2001

Bring it on. I have people to protect my balls.
Matt, what would you do if you really wanted to kiss the intern that was working for you, and you were 95% sure she would dig it, but did not have the balls to do it while in the copy room together?
Cecil James - 1/17/2001

Maybe you should stop watching the spice channel so much.

I'm gonna give this one to our host, rich:
"my god, that is such a bad idea. just ask her out. don't friggin kiss her in the copy room unless you 100% sure and don't mind the possibility of a lawsuit" --rich
Hosannah to Matt in the highest and peace to his people in the bodega!

Matt, what would you do if you found a naked guy sitting at your desk writing code for you.
Truly devout - 1/16/2001

As long as he was writing code for me, I'd probably leave him alone.
WWMJD, if your supervisor had really powerful halitosis, and was constantly breathing down your back-literally?
Fern - 1/16/2001

I'd stop bathing. Fight fire with fire.
If you could ride a giant surf board over a stadium crowd (ala David Lee Roth) but know that you're life would never be any better than that, would you do it?
David - 1/16/2001

Anything that brings me closer to "Diamond Dave" is a good thing.
I don't really have what are commonly referred to as "pants legs", what should I do?
Dick - 1/16/2001

Do you have what are commonly referred to as "pants"? That's a good place to start.
When you were a freshman in high school did you get the pamphlets warning you of the dangers of fisting or was my health teacher hot for my lily white ass?
Mike Olofson - 1/16/2001

Most people are naturally aware of the inherent dangers of fisting. Your health teacher must have thought you were a little slow.
My nose is as stuffed as a whorehouse turkey on Christmas morning. What would you do?
Phil - 1/16/2001

2 Tylenol Sinus, 1 Exedrin, and a large gulp of Mountain Dew.
I have a new boss and he's boring, WWMJD?
George Tenet  - 1/16/2001

I'd curse a lot, then play video games whenever he was gone.
I get really drowsy at work no matter how much Moutain Dew I drink. Any advice?
Dewd - 1/16/2001

If you're drinking Mtn. Dew for the caffeine, then you should just switch to coffee.

Mtn. Dew is the Nectar of the Gods, Dewd.
WWMJD if he had to choose between having a club sandwich or a club house?
Cecil James - 1/16/2001

club house
club house
club house
o yeah

What would you do if two of your friends who were engaged to be married put you in the middle of their domestic diputes.
Always a Bridesmaid - 1/16/2001

I'd tell whichever one I was closer to, "shit or get off the pot". And then, to "shut the fuck up."
The new guy in the mailroom keeps staring at me hardcore. I don't know if he wants to kiss me or kill me. I prefer neither one, but I am not afraid to throw a beating his way. What should I do?
Cecil James - 1/15/2001

Be careful making enemies in the mailroom. Sure, you can beat his ass, but he can stop your mail.
Dear Matt,
I commute via LIRR to NYC daily & I sleep on the train. When I wake up in penn station sometimes I find my pants to be open & my underwear removed. I think its the conductor who is responsible but I'm not sure. What do I do?
Charles - 1/12/2001

Trust me, you're not the only one waking up in Penn station with no underwear. At least you know how you got there. I'd say, just go with the flow...
WWYD? if there was a t-shirt in the store that said "Best Mingler 1998". Would you buy it and wear it to a party and laugh inside?
Flava Martino - 1/12/2001

would you invest in happyrobot-usa if they went public?
WWRBD - 1/12/2001

I'd be a fool not to.
Dear Matt,
Could you suggest a way for me to pick up hot chicks?
Jimmy Conway - 1/11/2001

I always use kernels of wisdom I learned from the happyrobot How to pick up girls page.
What would you do if you discovered that you or someone you love was in fact a robot?
Rick - 1/11/2001

What are you implying? Look, man, I TOLD you. The robots bring me the questions. I AM NOT A ROBOT!!!
What would you do if you were me?
Hank - 1/11/2001

Not a whole hell of a lot, probably.
Are you man enough for John Lawton's sister?
Meghan Lawton - 1/11/2001

Look, Meghan, I told you not to bother me here.
Yo Matt,
How come the Happy Robot Store doesn't have bracelets like the one at the top of this page?
Jesus Christ - 1/11/2001

Unfortunately, the bracelets are on back order.
While I like the Dodge Viper as an idea... I would love to have an Edsel, Astin Martin, etc body with a thourougly modern engine... or a computer that looks like a manual typewriter with a popped up screen. Can this occur?
Flava Martino - 1/11/2001

I think that you should get a car that looks like an Impala, but rides and runs like a Camry.
WWYD? Travel on your vacation to a sultry vacation in the Caribbean with sultry water and rum or Frosty scotland with it's moody crags and fireplaces and ale?
Flava Martino - 1/11/2001

Scotch on the rocks, by a fire, with the rain outside. O Yeah.
what would you do if your girlfriend found out you were cheating on her?
isis - 1/11/2001

does matt johnson REALLY answer all these questions or does he just employ a bunch of robots to do it for him?
mrs. terwilliger - 1/10/2001

The robots print out the questions and bring them to me in the garage. But I answer them.
It hurts when I do this (technically not a question)
Mike Olafson - 1/10/2001

Then maybe you should read "lisa says". It's much funnier.
If God is so powerful can he create a sandwich so big that he couldn't finish it?
Hal - 1/10/2001

Hell, if I can do it, God can.
wwmjd if while walking to his favorite bodega, to get a bottle of Mountain Dew, a giant python appeared from nowhere and began to constrict him. Causing his bottle of M.D. to burst?
fred - 1/10/2001

Why? Do pythons hate Mountain Dew?
Who would make a good Labor Secretary? And do they have to be able to take dictation?
W. - 1/10/2001

It really doesn't matter as long as they look good up there at the reception desk.
WWMJD is all the world was REALLY a stage?
Sammy, not JOJO - 1/9/2001

The world is really more like a bodega that provides us with the Mountain Dew we need to live.
wwmjd if he learned that he was actually a clone of his actual self?
thx1138 - 1/9/2001

Tell that bitch to get to work so I can get back to sleep.
What did I do last night?
Tiger - 1/8/2001

How should I know? Have you asked John Lawton's sister?
Chicken or Fish?
Stan - 1/8/2001

I may be reading too much into this, but. . .

Hey Matt,
My girlfriend recently told me, "you know for 39 cents extra you can Super Size that", what did she mean?
Confused - 1/8/2001

She means you have a small penis.
Have you ever been rocked like a hurricane?
Arlo - 1/8/2001

Only twice.

What would you do if Jesus kept showing up at your door asking you to do things, like cut off your penis.
Confused Brazilian - 1/8/2001

I would back up a pace, look Jesus in the eyes, and say sincerely, "Get off my dick."
How come one ball is bigger than the other?

Does this mean Im working out of one nut?

Is one getting more exercise than the other?
-concerned. - 1/8/2001

You people are concerning me. I'm as fascinated by my own balls as the next guy, but i really don't wanna discuss them. (much less yours!)
What would Matt Johnson do if he discovered that his best friend's sisters' boyfriend's aunt was actually a transexxual?
Sex-o-f*ing-rama - 1/8/2001

Do I really have to trim my toenails?
splinter - 1/7/2001

someone has to trim them, and it's not gonna be me.
Ginger or MaryAnn?
The Professor - 1/5/2001

Hey, I'm no sex starved trivia freak. Why don't you try to set them up with Wally and Eddie Haskel.
I have problems with intimate chafing in my personal area. I think it has something to do with Johnny Cash, but I'm not 100% sure. Any ideas?
"Jerry" - 1/5/2001

I use Johnny Cash all the time and show no signs of chafing. However, in your case maybe you should switch to Buck Owens until the irritation subsides.
accounting says i should do it this way but i think it's much easier the other way....what would you do?
lisa may - 1/5/2001

Matt Johnson never pays attention to the accounting guys.
I didn't eat ANY of the traditional New Year's Day foods (I know I'm writing this a LITTLE late). Is it too late to eat them now? or am I SCREWED all year?
Flava Martino - 1/5/2001

It's never too late for greens and black-eyed peas. However, at this late date, I don't think it'll affect your financial status this year.
stepped in poo with my new treads. what should i do??? please hurry, it's stinking up my apt.
SniffE - 1/5/2001

Dude, that sucks.
Is my brother right, should we just let them have Alaska?
Hugo - 1/5/2001

Matt Johnson thinks Alaska is great. But I'm not gettin' in anybody's way, or anything.
I shouldn't even have to ask you this....but does love really hurt?
Curious in NYC - 1/5/2001

As with any medication, love can cause chafing, so maybe you should switch to Buck Owens until the irritation subsides.

My best girl tells me I got "funny ankles" what's up with that?
Sammy - 1/5/2001

You DO have funny ankles.
How many wrongs make a right?
Granpa Dick - 1/5/2001

Only your Momma can make it right.
Rich and Rachel are so superfly- but they're white. What's up with that?
Norm Chester - 1/5/2001

White people can't help it. So be nice. Besides, as you said, R&R are SUPERfly.
Dear Matt,
I am still scared of the dark. What can I do to get rid of my fear?
jamilia - 1/4/2001

I'm gonna have to go with an "Ask Your MOM" on this one.
why do my clients want me to kill them? why do they keep being so stupid? what do i do?

scott - 1/4/2001

Well, clients are notoriosly pesky. And you SHOULD kill them.

However, Matt Johnson would probably just curse a lot and drink more Mountain Dew.
Do you wait for the stop light? or just jaywalk? i am so confused!
Tabby - 1/4/2001

Matt Johnson doesn't pay attention to traffic laws. However, I have been known to look both ways from time to time.
WWMJD if he woke up next to a dead hooker?
Pr0n Ma9n3+  - 1/4/2001

Last time that happened, I .. Uh.

I mean, Matt Johnson wouldn't know.
What is the meaning of life?
Jesus Christ - 1/4/2001

We'll have to sit and talk about this one over vodka tonics. You name the place, JC.
What would you do if you went to your fav. bodaga and found no mountian dew?
JC - The un Jesus - 1/4/2001

It would no longer be my favorite bodega.
I have this pesky cole slaw stain on my favorite tie. Club soda is not really an option at this point. What would you do?
John Lawton - 1/4/2001

Matt Johnson doesn't eat coleslaw.

Pleated khakis or straight cut? I appreciate you candor in this matter.
JL - 1/4/2001

straight cut. definitely.
bitch be frontin' me in CEEV-abil's - whazzup wit DAT!
Van-dog - 1/4/2001

Fuck dem bitch asses.
want to see all the
inquiries he has answered?

Even Jesus wonders what matt johnson would do!

thanks to tamara, who came up with the
whole WWMJD idea and bracelets!
she is rock-n-roll cool!