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it was ok.
she had felt this before - that feeling that nothing mattered and to just nestle in the blankets of her thoughts and memories while parsing out a way to feel connected too.
did she overexplain it? so much of her criticism was "you explain too much. after you have already made the point, you say it again another way."
I ponder why that would be?
why would I feel the need to over-explain. they say it's a common writer trait - that Truman Capote and Hemingway prided themselves on spare non-spelling it out prose.
She was wearing her Big Thief t-shirt he had bought her but she had cut the sleeves off to make it more fashionable . it was a dusky blue with light blue cursive barbed wire writing. she had to steel herself to wear it.
these days.
--
but I've lost the plot.
the only thing I'm interested in is peace and security. it's hard to feel it inside a bubble when you think of the cows and all they go through to give you that cheeseburger. and was it so different in the glorious olden days? maybe halal and kosher. who knows. it always fascinated me that hitler was a vegetarian.
I feel like I'm glass scaffolding.
I'm not sure how to hop on the pony today. yesterday, I had the saddest revelation - the saddest supposition, 'my god. if tomorrow repeats into the same as today, I shan't be able to bear it mamah - I simply shan't be"
but of course I'll bear it.
and when I was walking in those woods. you'd think I was someplace else writing the story about doing it when I was doing it, and maybe I was a bit when he sat me on the new stoneish bench overlooking the shoals of the river within the Athens arboretum - but I swear I was there and I even though how cute it was that he sits here and listens to a podcast or has a pause - how utterly cute and exotic and balanced
to me.
the hopes I had.
of days of comfortable nothing and tons of solitude in between with secure unspoken devotion and a drink of bourbon and a touch of warm human skin in a good bed.
more more
I'm wearing the wool vintage classic creme men's cardigan shrunk to my size with pockets.
for now, I have thirty minutes to get to the start of the day.
the other orange cat the cat sitter has named zeke - wants to get in. it's cold. everyone is something.
the heating and air people are imminent.
and the sun is beautiful and the air is so cold and cozy.
would it overexplain to say
all breaths I miss you
full stop
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