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Nothing mattered.
What if it did?
She woke up last night and asked the robot again "did I overreact? had he been saying he loved me in deeds not words and I just was too whatever to see it?"
The robot answered she was not loved.
She had been a pleasant distraction with someone who was lonely and looking for 'the one' somewhere else but killing some time with her until that fateful electronic day.
It had been a month since she woke up hungover for the first time in years and angry that he didn't have sex with her - but really that he never reached out to her - never had any intimacy "hey" or anything tender in the morning.
This was the anniversary of the day in highlands he said "why all the questions" which she took for a hard yes. The question had been "wait, are you still on Tinder too?". She had known he was on Bumble because she had checked and he had edited his main photo from the one she said her sister had called 'intense' to a body shot when he was thinner.
It all infuriated her.
This morning as she was getting her coffee and the fucking cats she never wanted were acting like her responsibility, she lost it and just said "fuck this. fuck this! fuck this. I just want this all to be over. fuck me. fuck this."
but of course no one was there to care
the usual.
She was adamant that she was happy to be done with the false marriage that was #2. It had been the last time there was someone around. He was a helluva a cuddler.
Neil asked "for how long" when she once asked to cuddle him.
She should have known that was another flag on the field of play - along with the fucking of father-issued girls with impunity.
He was so fucking clever. There were few flags on the field - few hopes in the floating.
She still masturbated to him though. It made her laugh now to imagine -it was a bitter laugh - the desperation that she must embody to cling to someone beckoning her atop his body and peeking glances at her body for the two minutes it took for him to gain release through her body.
She was learning that she had done nothing but perform for love. It infuriated her. She was never taught that it was ok that she just exist - that she was loved. She wasn't. She had to succeed - to be pleasant - to entertain.
She wasn't sure what his bullshit neurosis were except the refrain that he was always abandoned by the mom and the dad seemed negligent and angry. Narcissi was so jealous though of the tidbit he let slip that Nancy - when she wasn't traipsing about in cults - told him and made him feel that he was amazing. He indicated that contributed to the confusion and loss. and of course it would.
We've all got something and he loved empathy and not living in the past.
the bile stuck in her throat.
It was going to be another day. Tomorrow, she'd be dreading the visit of her well-meaning mother and aunt to have her dance for them and perform caring.
She was so tired of it all. why wouldn't she be. She was 54 years old and still didn't know how to say "If you love me great, if you don't whatever." She was so empty that a drop of pretend sustained her for decades.
Was it all a delusion? it didn't matter. she was remembering that time last month when she was crying next to him while he pretended he was asleep and realizing she was surrounded by people that said they loved her, but no one gave two fucks about what was inside her mind.
"dance baby girl. you fucking hag. we don't got you."
And she'd have to live with that. She had already lived it with it for so long. That's why mark godammit to fucking hell - was so fucking singular. one of the few who wanted inside.
The flock of dark birds in the neighborhood seemed to be getting larger. The rainbow prism was waiting for some sun. the pressed daisy stayed in stasis. the yellow cup didn't have its based ball.
he was gone.
she supposed she'd get used to it, but first she'd have to understand that it was nothing like she imagined. She recognized him because he was just like everyone else she'd known since childhood.
a wall she couldn't scale.
maybe she'd listen to some pink Floyd today. probably not. it was all she could do to survive.
and she'd die trying.
the usual.
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