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tim!: The All-Encompassing Theory of the World
2002
For some time now I've been trying to come up with a theory of everything. I'll call it The Theory of Everything, not to be too obscure about it. There are of course a lot of things that go into a theory of this magnitude, things that I will now attempt to relay to you. The Theory of Everything, herein referred to as ToE, encompasses all of the aspects of life and death, sex and love, eating and excreting, in and out, and of course up and down. I am thinking of this right now in particular because I find myself with all of this energy while at work, but no motivation to do any real work. It is 2:15 PM.
Being a theory, we'll need an equation. All the good ones do. I love equations. Everything has its place. Each symbol plays a role. The coolest part about the really complicated ones is that there is always a symbol that you're like - 'WTF is that for ?' At this point you usually realize that this symbol has a whole other equation dedicated just to it, and you have to begin there. It can go on and on. This equation that we are developing today will be fairly straight forward, but as it is my first equation, I'm pretty much forced to give it something extra, a little pizzazz.
As an American I am burdened with the charge of The Pursuit of Happiness. I love that. No one ever said you'll get it, but you are free to pursue it all you want. Not like all those others who just get it dropped at their feet. Right. My Mother said often - 'No one ever said life was fair.' She said this whenever something sucky happened, and we said something to the effect of the unfairness of life. I dig the line. I'm going to have kids for the sole purpose of being able to pass that one on. If I don't have my own kids, I'll have to use other peoples' kids, praying they skin a knee or chip a tooth. Maybe their bike will get stolen at school, that'd be good. And then I'd be right there, ready to deliver my line.
Me: What's wrong young man?
Young man: Who are you?
Me: I said, what's wrong?
YM: (through tears) Somebody stole my bike.
Me: That's too bad. You know, sometimes shitty things happen to good people.
YM: You said a bad word.
Me: Yeah, so?
YM: Mommy says bad people say bad words.
Me: Really? Guess what? I stole your bike and sold it for beer money. What you think of that?
YM: (more crying, sniffling)
Me: I won't bother to tell you that life is unfair, because I think you just got it.
YM: Can you give me a ride home?
Me: Where do you live?
YM: (points in general direction of house)
Me: No can do little man, I have many beers to acknowledge before dusk. Good luck though.
The thing is: even as I was armed with this intimate knowledge on the inherent unfairness of life, I still have to remind myself of it on an almost daily basis. I am falling in love with the colon. The punctuation and the body part.
Fortunately the equation will be balanced for life's good times as well as the tough times, like our young man just got a wiff of. ToE will be represented by H.
H = ò [(w)($)2 ( j / ©) / FWS dH] X
Where w represents doing whatever you want, $ is money, ( j / ©) is the ratio of change in sexual conquests with respect to love, F is for food, W is for water, and S is for shelter.
That leaves us with X, the mystery term. If X is equal to 1, you are on middle ground. If X is <1, your happiness will be lessened. And if X is >1, then of course H will increase. If X ever becomes equal to zero, the game is over. I'm sure in the after life there is a whole separate equation for H. This one just applies here on Earth.
The X term is really then the entire key to H. If you get it high enough, it can overpower other terms which are lacking. Similarly, if it drops too low, no matter what you do in the other areas, it will reduce your happiness. What could be more important that independence, sex, money, love, food, water and shelter?
It has to be pornography. There is nothing left. I know it sounds truly absurd, but think about it. Its like a double-edged sword. As a young male child, porn is exciting and new. There is a sense of forbidden desire to it that is quite irresistible. I don't want this to turn into some essay about porn - because really, who cares? But it is worth mentioning, especially since it rules our equation. So then the more porn you look at, the smaller the value of X becomes. A nice inversely proportional relationship. I guess you could make the argument that if you looked at enough porn, the value of X may get so close to zero that your health will be affected. Which may not be too far off. If you were to look at porn for say 5 days straight, you wouldn't eat, sleeping would only come in spurts (accidental I assure you), and who cares about water? A lot of porn is free or at a very cheap cost, and if you're looking at it all day, you are quite obviously doing what it is you want. Ahh, but the real factor here is the tricky derivative term, the sexual conquests vs. love term.
Does porn become so obsessive as to rule over the pursuit of love, and in the end, happiness? This sounds like one of those essays on Sex and the City.
Does the 18+ year old crowd know the dangers inherent to porn? This is more important than the smoking debate. As we now know, it is fundamentally tied to your ability to seek happiness. Unfortunately 99% of porn is directed to males. What we'd need to do is buy up all of the porn out there, stop production of any new porn, and then start cranking out serious amounts of porn directed solely to pubescent girls in the hopes that they will grow up with it and it will eventually control them.
That would be a lot of work.
And to think I almost single handedly abolished porn. Whew!
