There is this creature who haunts the bathroom here at work, and his name is the Spitter. He is the most vile, foul, nasty, horrid, disgusting creature ever to roam the earth. I consider myself a very tolerant man, but this guy, he really tests my limits. I get angry. I mean, violently angry with him. Let me explain.
First of all, this man has the worst B.O. you've ever experienced. I mean, we're not just talking B.O., we're talking bee-YO! Literally, if you're at one end of a hallway, and you can see him coming down the other, chances are you can smell him. It's like he bathes in rancid sweat and urine. And once you're around him, that scent CLINGS to you. You can't get rid of it.
Second of all... never mind the B.O. It's his bathroom behavior that's the worst. Now, I know what you're thinking. "Chris, why are you paying so much attention to another person's bathroom behavior?"
Why? I'll tell you why. Once you've witnessed something of such hugely nasty proportions, you want to understand it so you're better equipped to fight it.
This man chooses his stall. Usually the one all the way of the right. Locks the door. The nest thing you hear is the sound of toilet paper rolling off the roll. This goes on for at least 30 seconds. And it's a frantic 30 seconds. That's an assload of toilet paper. A few seconds after that, you hear a spitting sound. Not a loogie-hawking sound, but a "pppt! Ppt!" like he's spitting something out. Then you start to see little pieces of wadded up toilet paper flying over and under the stall.
Then comes the pooping. We all know what that sounds like. Spitting continues as well.
Now this - and this is the worst - the pooping is immediately followed by a sound which can only be the sound of HUMAN HANDS SPLASHING IN WATER. No flush, mind you. But frantic splashing. This usually goes on for a good 20-30 seconds. Then more spitting.
I have tried to force myself to stay through the entire experience, but I just can't bring myself to do it. It's too nasty. So what happens after that, I do not know. All I know is that he actually took out a toilet once. Literally. His usual seat was bodybagged for three months. And I saw him leave once... and what he left behind... was a giant wad of feces-covered toilet paper, which he JAMMED IN THE AIR VENT.
I must stop him. I want to just bust into his stall and say "Hey, just what the hell do you think you're doing?" But I'm afraid, very afraid, of what I might find.
FOLLOW UP: First, for those of you who know, please keep the name of my workplace private and out of any comments you might make, out of respect for the privacy of myself and others. Second: Yes, I understand that the man might have some problems, and may not be as fully functioning as he seems. But I have worked at my hometown's Association for Retarded Citizens. I have wiped the asses of 6'2, 200 lbs grown men. I have seen and done many things which pass as extraordinarily gross. But this... this thing takes the cake.
