2001:June:19
2001
I remember the very day the very moment (and I have a really bad memory for most things) that I started (had the barest tendrils) to become conscious. After years and years of society's pressure coupled with my Mom's "I'll give you $100 to lose 20 pounds, you really don't need another cookie, let's start our diet today - we'll just have alba shakes", I finally was lonely, bored, frustrated - I think they call it angst. It was the summer after ninth grade. I had transferred to this dauntingly shallow huge school. My mother longed for me to be popular in a way she could understand. I was constantly frustrated when the popular girls looked at me like I was an alien (looking back now, I can see how doomed my quest was). My mother dreamt of me being a cheerleader or at least on drill team. I dreamt of finding someone to eat lunch with. My old friends were having a ball at their high school. There was no friendship circle to console this lonely, lost girl. This was the era when tv was my best friend, and I was just trying to mark the days off until I was out of the house. Anyhoo, there I was in my Atlanta suburb. The long, empty summer ahead of me. I had all these internal dialogues in my head at that time: "cow-don't eat - wait and eat later - go for a walk -you're so fat- eat a big breakfast and then nothing for lunch - just ONE cookie -I'm such a pig- just one more cookie - oh, I'm ugly". It was like I was schizophrenic. (Oh it does suck remembering this part of my life). So anyway, I was a cute thirteen year old with a bad perm and baby fat. I wasn't as slender as my brother or sister or mother (and I didn't understand why my mother had to ALWAYS point out when we were shopping for pants - that I was a "regular" and my brother and sister had been "slender".) So that day, I had a turn in my head. I thought, "fuck it". It was my first such moment of conscious rebellion from my mother's attitude. I was like, "why stop? I'll eat until I'm done eating. I'll snack my ass off. What is there to look forward to?" Well yes, I gained tons of weight. I would love to show you a photo, but I'm pretty sure I destroyed them all (even ripped my head/body out of any group shots). I can still see that me though. I looked exactly like a generic fat teen with a bad perm and sad eyes.
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