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just dirt in the ground
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"you seen the game?"
"yeah, auburn got whooped. dawgz ..."
the cat had been so happy to see her.
it pounced in the keyboard and deleted all her words
they were beautiful and inspired by chuck and lance and Nebraska
and listening to albums
what ever
it was the keyboard typer's call - cat on her keyboard or swatted away. she was listening to music for the first time in a minute. that was something for which to hosannah.
"he swung out over the crowd - the hangman said..."
she had wept.
her parents were watching from the Tampa airport from their
ring camera.
she couldn't put the speakers up high enough.
she was going to headphones.
"take a king or a beggar and the answer will give, we're all..."
the stepping Dobby was the only reason she was even listening to her vast store of mp3's she'd inherited from the divorce of mark
what was left of it
she remembered mocking Laura about "good god you can see every redneck boyfriend she's had in the last five cassette rings...."
and narcissi had only been better because sassy magazine had given her "hootenanny" but she had bought "Tim" because it was cheaper at the mall's bin or she had found it and decided let's roll with her $20 bankrolled by stepdad
they were coming home today
she had housesat for them. (the trees and the peace had been magnificent.)
and of course - of course - the last time she had done that was last year and Leon had been there with her and they had seen big thief and been nonplussed, watched halloweens and eaten Bahn mi from Buford highway and that's when he gave her the third of the only three compliments he had given: soft skin
"taken care of your boy - seein' now that he had clean clothes - a-puttin' on his little red shoes - repeat - and point a finger at me....trying to do my very best - looking straight at you - coming through darlin"
he had gone to Vassar
he once told her when she was prattling on about why she loved the songs that he was saying weren't the correct ones to like of that artist, he told her:
"one of the people I met in college just rolled his eyes when I said it, but I wasn't lying - I just didn't hear the lyrics - I didn't register them, but I loved bob Dylan even though it wasn't for his lyrics."
she had loved him for 'rules of the game', and for his being thrilled at her having arrived to Macon via Oakland...
the brain. exhale.
"I'm nothing but a stranger in this world. I'm nothing but a stranger in this land. in another world. so far away. so far away....we have been to heaven..."
and she had wept on the ring camera
wept at leaving - returning to the responsibly
of six cats
a home
a mess
a raging empty void of her on making
"in another time. in another place."
the guy who lived in chastain park who was her supervisor at the weird start up company - the one she had texted mark and dan the moment she was back in reality, "holy shit! I've finally met someone that claims to have been abducted by aliens..."
and of course I've told you this story before - the one where it takes ten years off his life to tell anyone but he honors narcissi.
she begs him not to have told her.
the other thing he told her was one of the more horrifying girl drunk stories she collected - the girl that ran away after making the Lyft driver pull over on the 5 ...
but this one was "kristen, there was this girl I dated last night. she got so drunk, she started talking to Phoebe, chandler, ross, and Rachel like they were friends in the room with her. I just left. I couldn't fuck her."
pun always intended
(it was van Morrison rube...)
and it was over.
she made it back. there had been a fallen off bumper in one of the lanes of southbound Georgia 400 but Waze had Warned her and she saw the courteous cars signaling....
god
she had wept.
switching the songs and turning up a volume and rewinding
I wonder if you know this song noel
yet, you never know the words
"... everyone is trying to get to the bar. the name of the bar. the bar is called heaven. with a hand in heaven then came my favorite song. play it once again. play it all night long...."
she kept saying out loud in the shitty car beloved from her brother and it's performance and milege
she swayed to the headphones November 8th in the writing room with its sunny corner windows
"there is a party. everyone is there. everyone but me... AT EXACTLY the same time. it's hard to imagine nothing at all - could be so exciting - could be so much fun."
the thing she kept saying out loud in her ego-challenging car was, "I love you. I love you so much. I loved you. I loved you so much."
and she'd never admit that to you
"when this kiss is over, we'll start again.
it will not be any different. but will be exactly the same.
it's hard to imagine
that nothing exciting
could be this much fun."
she had loved you.
it hadn't mattered.
she had festered her wound to you
like you were a poison cure
nothing ever happens
next song.
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