2001:September:21
2001
My husbando and I had a heated discussion the other night. While his point was that we can NEVER predict what we will do in the future (and I acquiesced on this). His example was all of those people who say "I'll never cheat. I'm not a cheater. I would never cheat on my husband." He said no one would ever be able to truthfully say that. He has experience with a cheating wife, so I didn't have a pot to pee in.
However, I feel that one CAN say unequivocally that one won't do certain things (barring guns to your head, etc). My feelings on cheating are the same as my feelings on snorting cocaine. Why would I go into something KNOWING that it was a temporary solution to a bigger problem - of me not feeling that people think I'm great? Sure, I COULD cheat on Mark easily. It's not that hard to look to other people to make you feel good (see Tori Amos song: "She's your Cocaine" although I'm not sure that Tori meant that - and by the way Tori does nothing for me in any album after Choirgirl Hotel and yes that makes me sad but it's ok as she gave some of the best). As I've been exposed to a bunch of different males, I can imagine how gratifying it is to "click" with someone - to be attractive and fresh. I could make up any number of excuses to tell Mark why I was late; all the time being on a date or sleeping with some guy feeling like I was THE SHIT. It would also be very easy for someone like me (I'm very segmentable in my head) to separate my feelings for Mark from my "high" with the other person. The reason I wouldn't cheat and know that I wouldn't is that I would become a different, shittier person. I would probably imperceptibly inch towards the ultimate actress - AND (this is the most important aspect to me) I could never take the mask off. I would become a phony. Everyone would think I'm just the same, but inside I'd be someone I couldn't even essentially look at.
Obviously cocaine is much less than this, but it's still the same phony baloney (and why I don't feel this way about pot is probably a major hypocrisy, but I feel that pot is introspective and cocaine is "look at me. I'm AMAZING. I can fill up my 'not good enough' void! Aren't I FABULOUS?"). At this very moment, I'm pure. I love myself and can look myself in the eye (which was on a Farscape episode).
I suppose this topic is an odd one for me to bring up, but to me, I'm currently dealing with a dearth of female companionship. This doesn't sadden me or piss me off. I just haven't made any connections with any females (and after 30 years, I'm not incredibly hopeful that I will tomorrow). I just can't let my hair down with any of the women I know. So, I often think "do people think I'm more of a candidate for cheaterhood because I spend so much time with boys?". Also, I am very intrigued by the possibility of going as far in friendship with men as I would have license to do with women. If I feel the "friendship crush" with women, I know I'm not gay and can go as far as I want to with it. If I feel a "friendship crush" with a man, I tend to feel like I'm potentially cheating on my husband and have to censor myself. That's something I want to straighten out inside my head.
Naturally, I don't care if YOU cheat and snort cocaine to your heart's content.
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