2001:October:25
2001
Before I "went further" with Mark, I had this big revelation that I had to make to him. I called it my Big Three secrets (this was back when I guarded my secrets because god knows I'd never had anyone like me unconditionally before). I told him about my father, my credit card debt, and one other that I forget but that was a huge deal for me at the time (maybe it was that I had de facto cheated on Chuck or how many guys I'd slept with or that I was indeed insecure or something). Sure, I was scared shitless. There was a possibility that he would think less of me and eventually break off our budding relationship, BUT I was finally ready to start accepting myself and was weary of "putting up the best face" for people. It was amazing. It was liberating. He told me his secrets (and there were some big ones), and we grew CLOSER not FURTHER APART. It's a very scary thing to be honest with someone and to NOT come off as the most together person. I think you always think that they won't love you as much. In reality, it TOTALLY gets rid of those nagging ulcerous fears you have. Instead of giving someone you love the best, most life-like mask you have and then turning into a raging lunatic when you're fed up and can't keep your hatred of yourself at bay.... Why not just be honest? The day I hide my eating, drinking, or pot smoking from Mark is the day I'm a sick addict. Sure, we have the senseless fight or two (about one every other month back in our relationship's growing pains). It's almost always some issue that's a symptom and not a cause of the problem: for instance, early on (NYC days) I once got soooo pissed at Mark and ranted and raved about something like a tone he used with me or going off when I needed him or something. It was all bullshit. The real reason was a big one: I couldn't believe that I contributed anything to the relationship except for being a "pleasant, entertaining companion". It took hours of sobbing for me to dig this out. Here Mark was giving me fundamental things: stability, purpose, money, trust... I thought he was so much more together than me, and here dumb me was giving him witty remarks and good sex. I felt useless. I, myself, couldn't see why he'd have me around - what I did for him. So telling him this - the real reason for our fight - didn't EUREAKA solve things. I wasn't like "oh my god. I AM worthy of love. Cool". But, I did begin to understand and eventually got there. The important thing (to moi) was that for the first time in my life, I wasn't skirting the issue (and sure the surface cause of the fight was accurate - but it was only a symptom of the big, unsaid feeling inside of me). I don't know if you are like this, but for me to actually TELL someone how I felt instead of "trying to win and save face" was a huge revelation. It was similar to when I was a kid and had the revelation "you know, I am tired. Why don't I just admit it and go to bed. Why do I always have to play this game of '15 more minutes'"
If your lover finally hears your "secrets" and doesn't love you ABSOLUTELY more because of it (and maybe shock you with their own humanity), f- them. It is my FIRM belief that you NEVER EVER have to apologize for ANYTHING you've done in your past. You are who you are today, and that is GOOD ENOUGH. Sure, you'll tell me you slept with a married man or bought drugs from a ghetto or beat your girlfriend. This may be the most stupid, liberal thing I've ever said, but I think there are always mitigating reasons. If you are growing adequately, it isn't some easy process you skim through (unless maybe you have parents as seemingly honest as Courtney's or Brent and Val). Growing and learning about yourself leaves a lot of hurt and shitty things behind. The hope would be that the people (yes including yourself) you've wounded learn something about themselves. Oh yes, my reader...the life unexamined is not worth living (I'm awful at remembering exact quotes).
Yes, this is a confusing post eh? I'm just basically saying, you are an excellent person, and life's too short to not be yourself and forgive yourself. Living hungry in a tent or being in jail or dying poor and homeless wouldn't be the worst thing that could happen to you. Putting on a mask and thereby making everyone else live up to your fake standards is (god knows, in my humble opinion). It's obvious isn't it? Until you are yourself, you really aren't fully living. You're putting it off for the future I guess. As my truck-driving manager at the Golden Pantry once said: "you might as well go ahead and do what you want because you're going to do it eventually anyway - one way or the other".
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