2001:November:19
2001
Ah, finally a chance to spew my thoughts onto a computer screen...
I had a very interesting Thursday last week. I learnt tons of things both about m'self and others. Oh my! Mark got a headache from all of the extroversion (it's been a while sense we've ventured from Shire). At a comedy show, I ended up sitting in two rows of the Nice Ladies - cut off from the people I came with. There (in my humble opinion) was so much tension from the "ladies section" that I had to talk myself down from falling into it. I didn't know from where it was emanating or if it was even real. There were several points when I was thinking "do all of these people hate me? How stoopid. I'm just a little git. Why am I paranoid thinking they hate me. I'm sure they don't. Why did I used to be proto-friends with all of these gals, but now it's like BITCH is in the house. I wonder if it's because they are all together, and can have a common enemy. Maybe it's not real."
The pre-show conversation felt forced. I tried to be light and airy, but nothing came out. I was empty. (I actually had a conversation like "How are you?" "I'm GREAT. How are you?" "Great. I REALLY love my life [and am wondering why all you girls are freaking me out because MY life is great and I don't need this, but maybe I do. Wow, I thought I was so settled. Wow, I should have realized and been prepared that you'd all be here. How funny that this vibe upsets me.]". "Me too, I can't tell you about it, but I am...so many things" "That's great. I'm glad you're happy. Are you happy?" "Oh, I'm happy. I can't tell you why as it's noisy in here. I'm sorry I haven't seen you. I've been so busy." "Me too. I'm happy too. I just sit around my house and love it". [and it sort of went in circles and died from there]. I just became shy and sat in my place wondering when the show would start. Then, I started going down the line thinking: "hmmmm, no that person shouldn't hate me. No, that person is probably just enjoying a friends renaissance with the jane beck crowd and feels nervous just like me, well THAT person shouldn't hate me but I could see why anyone COULD hate me, oh YES this person could hate me, and finally oh that person - SHE could be the source of it all. She could hate me". This thought pattern was alternated by seeing totally blue and "out there" comedy. It was quite a juxtaposition to me: repression in the audience and a billion red fox's on stage. There was also me going "maybe I'm just tooooo sensitive". I doubt anyone would take the time to throw a lil' smear campaign on me, but then the scorpio in me (sorry I just don't know any better way to put it) realized how very easy a smear campaign is - if you have the ole "social power". So, I'm in the audience feeling all of these vibes. I was trying to concentrate on the show, and I felt like a freak wishing I were sitting with the boys. For f-s sake, what is the deal with me and the nice girls? (I'm not sure WHAT the answer is, but recently I've consoled myself with a ludicrous notion that vielleicht I was a male in several of my recent past lives).
So the show ends (Wilmington is a very generous audience I believe), it got surreal and funny towards the end. We all make our way out for the social niceties and imbibing on the roof bar (would it surprise you to know that I only had one beer?). Then the Bad Girls (who were previously onstage) descend and flatter me by hugging and saying nice things to me. Phew! I'm giddy with relief that all XX don't hate me. I get invited to a fashion show that the bad girls will be doing. It's heady, but I'm a bit discombobulated (Oh, I'm in a rut of words.) with all the "imagined" tension. I get invited by a great bad girl and her husband to Level 2 (a practice space for the comedy gang that becomes sort of a very private club - Wilmington style). The scene switches to total debauchery. I'm sort of in the middle of it all. It was a social balm to me. I feel more comfortable. I'm sitting here thinking "well, I don't fit in that great with these people, but I'm way out of practice. These bad girls are so different. All the boys are very nice to me. I feel very comfortable with them (except maybe Brad)". I have already noticed that one of the bad girls that was sitting with the nice girls during the show is markedly nicer to me now. Then the girl that I suspect "hates" me comes in on one of the waves of people coming to Level 2. She doesn't know it, but I'm on "yellow alert" (OK, "red") with her. I notice she says hello to most people around me but not me. I notice that when she arrives and gets settled, the bad girls start talking to her and quit talking to me(although I was talking to Mark anyway). I overhear that she has a weekly social event to which I have never been invited (no biggie as I would have bowed out anyway). I'm also putting twos and twos together like a robot. I had already observed that there is also a weekly social event to which she is invited, and I am not (well I was half-heartedly once). On her way out, she says goodbye to everyone around me but me. She has effectively wormed me out of "the bad girls" conversation. They don't even realize I'm there towards the end. Unlike Younger Kristen (younger me), I don't get pissed and think of ways to hurt her and get self-loathing and internally wail for years. She's way out of my league in the first place. I'm a thrift store. She's a highly successful boutique.
Besides, if I add it up, there are many reasons for this one to dislike me. She's one of those people who's hardly ever see me at my best (whatever that is). In her eyes, I can imagine that I've mildly insulted her (although to me it was just a funny observation - now ironic). I've insulted her friend. I've insulted my husband (who she likes and is the only reason I'm even "in the picture" I suspect). Oh year, I was also really drunk at a party of hers (one where Mark didn't go with me, and I was scared, but willing to try.) I'm sure she's heard me on a myriad of offensive Kristen's Spoken Words. In other words, no big surprise. I'm just a bit surprised to even imagine I'm on her radar. (sort of like how shocking it is when you hear that people talk about you - as in taking the time to do so).
I don't know this person very well (and as per usual, I put her on a huge pedestal in my mind without even knowing her). We've only socialized for maybe 15 parties and intimate gatherings over five years. And also, I'm not so paranoid to think that she is starting a conscious smear campaign against me - I am merely thinking (because she is so well-liked - and she is a very magnetic, great person) that when my name comes up, she probably says something like "Oh that one! What a freak.... I don't know how Mark stands her." It would take a lot of guts (and liking for me) for someone to say "Really? I like her. She is for sure a freak, but you always know where you stand with her."
My scathing response? Nothing. I could be imagining this all. I'm not trying to elicit pity or anger. I'm just letting you see what goes on in my head. This is hardly me throwing the gauntlet down in some turf war. I'm not a 100% likeable, sweet, comprehensible person. I admire her for her convictions. If she dislikes me, it's mainly out of loyalty to her friends. I'm not mad at her or hurt by her or anything. I don't dislike her. In fact, she has moments when I think she's quite the bees knees. I was merely trying to figure out why so much tension, and I have hypothesized an answer. Besides, nothing stays the same forever. Besides, I am a freak.
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