2001:December:30
2001

(Whew!!! Back to the "f-you sort of if you don't 'get' me type of Kristen.)

It was the best of family visits and the worst of family visits. (said in a drama-queen-type way). I'm listening to random and starting with "Rhiannon" from "The Dance". WHEW!!!!!j I LOVE that part near the end where Stevie GOES OFF! Anyway, I'm really feeling like what I guess a gay person feels when they come out of the closet. I was REAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (anyway just imagine the longest row of exclamation points you could) around my family. I cannot TELL you the importance of this. And let me brag in one other way by ..... Let's just suffice it to say that it was QUITE surreal to see Terry give Meri further evidence of what a "f-ing unreal strange beast" I was IN THE FORM of seeing him hand her a page with the title (AND let me just interrupt by saying, Mama can have ANYTHING she wants in reward for hers be'in such a BRAVE lil' convert to buddhism ways ((I feel like I'm a one-ish-month old who can talk and hold a job down)) I'm having a "we can smoke me out of pot, light candles, take baths, be as hedonistically INTO myself and whatever my lil brave sweetsie pie sugar boobsie Mama wants hers can koochie goochie goo haveses)) and random mode has been just scarily perfect so far) THE TITLE ON THE TOP OF THIS PRINTED PAGE THAT TERRY HANDED TO MERI WAS "KRISTEN'S WORDS") (((((AND yes, I know I'm am back to f-ing up the parenthetical statements))))))))).....

THAT ODE TO COMING OUT OF THE CLOSET being over..... (AND JESUS I don't even CARE about the "when is the other shoe going to drop" anymore. That was soooooo last millenium's version of Miss Kristen).................

RANDOM THOUGTS by Kristen

- I talk about writing on happyrobot.net a lot. Almost like I want people to know me and it SCARES ME.
- It is SOOOOO exhileratingly right/scary feeling to be myself. As in muttering softly"this is Crazy. This is crazy"
- My CATS missed me soooooo much, and I am soooooooooooo honored, but this much neediness from stripey on a regular basis would drive me insane in the membrane
- I missed my cats from time to time, and I couldn't wait to see them.
- Wouldn't it be crazy if I weren't being judged "crazy" by people, and that people actually LIKED the real me?
- God, that was almost toooooo naueseating to admit to.
- My family is great, and visiting is never the QUITE as bad as I think it's going to be, but GOD do I HATE visiting my family because I get guilted into it. I would rather visit them when I miss them and truly WANT to see them.
- My opinion of the special "chalk on the fingernails" annoying thing about my mother can be summed up thusly: she was talking to my nephew, William, and instead of saying (and more importantly FEELING) "I love it when you call me!" and giving him a hug. She says to him in a jokey voice whilst wagging her finger playfully "You never call me. You never call me. Boy! You better call me more boy! ....". I don't know what she said after that because I walked away.
- I actually had the impulse to erase every remnant of Christmas from my house (the ceramic tree like my grandmaw) and then got tired of doing everything and thought: "but it involves so much effort and I don't want to do anymore work. I've already been like a manic freak putting everything neat upon my return. Give myself a break and just put the tree in the attic tomorrow.
- I dislike going in the attic
- So, I compromised and wrapped the tree, put it in a plastic bag so none of its lights would get missing and put it in the closet. My house is NO CHRISTMAS.
- I feel totally like I've done the family, and as soon as I post this e-mail, call my mother and Terry (tomorrow! Hopefully - and yes, I'm woosing out but I will send an e-mail), I can move on to selfish me. In this early, month-old incarnation of me, Family is like going to a crash course, super-intensive Julliard. It is a GREAT WONDERFUL AMAZING LESSON, but I also sort of am glad to move on until the next three-day session. Maybe it will change.
- I have a strong aversion to being motivated by guilt.
- Seeing my 88 year old Uncle Charlie (and random is sucking now by the way - so the world isn't toooooo crazy)and gay cousin Roger singing hymns on the out of tune piano in my mother's house. God, I love those old people and the Sutherlands. I equate Grandmommy Sutherland as the only "good, real family" I ever had. By the time I met that great old broad she was sooo good at showing her love. I only regret that my mother was unable to test the water so to speak and let her defenses down and see that her mom wasn't shooting anymore - and she may never have been shooting. Anyway, Uncle Charlie is my Grandfather's baby sister's widower - the last off a breed so to speak. It was so strange and beautiful to see him sing in my mother's living room. It was sort of like getting my grandmother embodiment of unconditional love back to visit. Honestly, I this was a rare siting.
- Stripey had to claw me in the face to get my attention just now trying to climb on top of my head because I was ignoring his need to be petted, so I'll cut this short. I want to be a good mommy to my cats.
- Also, I'm trying to be joyful in an attempt to spread good vibes.
- I just turned down my answering machine so I could have the whole rest of the day at my control. I hope Rome doesn't burn.
- The airport is amazing. My parents GENEROUSLY and LOVINGLY insisted that I fly home on their dime (and also they gave me the rest of my car - no more payments!!!! It honestly brings tears to my eyes it's such a sweet, sweet sentiment.
- OK, I can't relax until I call my parents to tell them I'm OK. It will have to be collect. Sorry!
- I had some great t=hing to say at the end, but pot is horrible for short term memory loss. And that's OK and fine.
- I really don't think I'll drink in excess for a long time to come. It's a strange poison. But it can be just the thing at times and for phases.
- I'm sure I love you.
- Just in think you think I'm some pollyanna saint figure, I'm totally dreading calling my parents. I'm that selfish. Even though, they don't guilt me into it anymore at all. I'm just selfish. Honestly
- Sandy Summers called me while I was gone. Sweet!
- I'd like to thank Kristen Shaghnessey for picking me up from the airport and the man who doesn't like his name mentioned "on air" for watching the shabies.
- Stripey, I'll be there in a minute! One more sentence.
- Oh yeah, I remembered that I wanted to say: think of this entry as a "twin" of the other.

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