i always feel very happy to say that i will never regret making the choice to stay home with ella. i had an easy job to quit when the time came to do so. all my jobs were easy to quit. see, i've always been one of those people who have made a career out of hating their careers. don't get me wrong, i have made the choices that put me in those jobs but i've just never found a good fit. many of my jobs were just taken to get me from point a to b. it's easy to become complacent and just keep working those jobs. i worked with the state of north carolina for five years and during that time i was underpaid and overworked and driven insane. working for the state is great if you're a lazy underachiever. you can work forever with the state and no matter what you do (or don't do) you won't get fired. look at porn. you won't get fired. store your personal web site on the company web server. you won't get fired. it's great if you have no ambition. for me it was bad because i like to work, i like to help out and i like to learn. so i got screwed.
the only jobs i've ever really liked are the part-time jobs i've held over the years. the gap, lifeguarding at the ymca, meter reader, selling tee shirts at "the lion king". i guess it's because i've chosen those as extracurricular jobs and i never worked longer than 4 or 5 hours at a time. that's a big thing with me. the 8-5 slurry drives me crazy. i think if you get your work done, you should go home. or at least go work from home. it has always frustrated me that as a 30 year old college graduate i would have to go ask someone for more work when i've finished my own instead of just calling it a day.
i've always met really great people at my part-time jobs. maybe it's because they don't have anything to prove or gain or because they too are just sort of cruising on through. my state jobs have had me working with crazies and i mean that in the truest, saddest, and kindest sense of the word. people that did look at porn at work. people that stored their web files on a company server. people that slept in the bathroom. people that brought fleas to work on their person. my last two years of work with the state was hard. i had one co-worker that took mental health leave and then quit when her leave was up. i had another co-worker who took mental health leave when i was 5 months pregnant and on the last thursday i saw her she patted my belly as always and said how good of a mom i was going to be, a kind thought she always shared with me; she didn't quit after her leave - she quit life altogether. she was only 48. that stuff isn't even really related to my job but it's out there and i've been exposed and scarred and i placed some of the blame of my co-workers issues on poor work environment and crappy pay and mundane work.
i've been ruminating over my career choices lately. maybe it's because ella is soon to be one and i've been a stay-at-home mom for a whole year and aside from having a healthy, smart, gorgeous daughter, i feel accomplishless after having worked for "the man" for so long and always having projects and deadlines and a paycheck to show for it. don't get me wrong, the choices i've made are all mine; and i'm a firm believer in chosen paths getting you to where you're going even though they may look like the path to nowhere. but instead of feeling rudderless, i've decided that these feelings are a sign that my brain has room for other activities and i should get my ass in gear. who knows, maybe this time i can finally take the plunge and take some chances once again.
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