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Dear Medical Co-workers:
In the interests of promoting sound healthcare practices I would like to share some remedies I have gathered, all proven to be safe and effective in laboratory experiments (not tested on animals). These elixirs and infusions are economical and and provide many therapeutic benefits when used properly and according to my instructions. And they are all safe! Major drug companies have begun manufacturing (not in third-world countries) and marketing these drugs (on TV!) just for their consumers! You can trust me, your caring physician, to bring you results which promote life and health.
Let's say you get drunk one too many times because working with dying patients in a hospital is damned depressing. I mean really soused. You are so drunk that your friends think you are seriously in danger of dying yourself. So they take you to ER. There, a kind doctor will prescribe this based on my recommendation:
Dr. Munchausen's Banana Bag
1000 mls of 9% Normal Saline
100mg Thiamine
1 mg Folate
2gms Magnesium Sulfate
1 amp of Multivitamins
Prepare as an infusion. May cause discolored urine or feces.
After a two-hour infusion, your electrolytes revive and you are discharged sober and hydrated (not to mention supercharged with vitamins) into the arms of your local moonshiner. Call me in two days if you must.
Let's say you are a pharmacist and a doctor (sigh) called you an idiot because you questioned his order for Celebrex (an anti-inflammatory recently taken off the market because of heart complications--like people died). You have kindly advised him he "meant" to prescribe Celexa, an anti-depressant for his middle-age, overweight female patient currently stalking an ER doctor (per written-in-blood messages left in two hospital bathrooms)--because you'd like to prevent two deaths in one swoop. Try this soothing potion:
Dr. Westheimer's Mango Bag
1 Mango
1 Bottle of Rum
Liquefy for 30 seconds. Garnish with Lime. Repeat every two hours as needed.
Enjoy with partner of choice. Call me in seven days only if you run out of mangos.
Let's say you are a pharmacy technician and your boss publicly demeaned you, then cut your work hours, then cut your wages, then took away your Employee of the Month Award (for helping an incontinent 80-year-old change her diaper in the hospital restroom when nursing couldn't be bothered.) Use this for help communicating with boss:
Dr. Miller's Cyanide Elixir
5 pounds Cyanide
2 Liters Kool-Aid Cherry Flavor
4 Ounces Viscous Lidocaine
2-3 teaspoons Cherry Syrup to taste
Slurry lightly; store in amber vials. Shake before using.
Invite boss for lunch in the cafeteria. Ask if he would like to try a new juice today to celebrate his 10-day Juice Fast. Later, when he goes to ER, follow along and tell the ER nurse, "I had no idea he was allergic to Kool-Aid!!" Remember, make a note of all allergies, to be placed in the patient's chart. I will enclose my phone number in case you need it for "your one and only call," as they say.
Happy medicine,
Dr. Miller
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