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tim!: Historical Perspectives of Dirty Talk
2002
Report on Presidential Dirty Talk
Part I: The Nixon Whitehouse
February 30, 1998
Prepared by The Laboratory for the Study of Abusive Language, Foul-Mouthed Trash-Talk and Inappropriate Name Calling.
Richard M. Nixon, 37th President of the United States once in conversation with Henry Kissinger, then the National Security Advisor, said, "I am the Sh*t. I am the Motherf*cking Sh*t." To this Kissinger replied, "Yes sir. Yes, of course you are sir." Nixon continued on, pressing Kissinger on the subject, saying, "No. Really. I woke up this morning, and my first thought was: 'I am the Sh*t. If my shit were for sale it would cost $500 an ounce. That's more than the price of gold. I should shut down Fort F*cking Knox and put an armed guard on every toilet and port-a-potty I end up on - day or night. I can do that, you know.' Kissinger's response on the Archived Whitehouse Tapes was inaudible. Attempts to reach Kissinger for comment bore no fruit. Lab Worker 202 did contact him on two separate occasions. Once, the worker stated - "He yelled at me in a hissing snake-like way. He is a very mean man." On re-contacting Kissinger, this same worker reported, "He came on the phone, but then almost immediately I heard snoring. Only it sounded like fake snoring - like someone who was faking being asleep. Someone who knew what snoring sounded like, but not necessarily someone who themselves snores." Supervisor 181 determined that this was unlikely, what with the size and shape of the man's nose and the external diameter of his throat. It was concluded that he [Kissinger] was snoring and sleeping while on the phone, and that anyone who can pick up the phone while doing this is big trouble and should be left alone.
Listening carefully to the Archived Tapes of Nixon's Whitehouse, one can hear that instead as saying the above - 'I am the Motherf*cking Sh*t', he instead clearly says, "I am the Shiznit, the MOFO ODB." Only through exhaustive audio research and modern sophisticated techniques were researchers able to glean the actual phrase for the tape, as we have just seen.
Of course we can only speculate as to the origins now of ODB. Did Nixon mean Ol' Dirty Bastard? If so, perhaps it would be of interest to the Nixon family and Library that one rap star, birth name Russell Tyrone Jones took on the name - Ol' Dirty Bastard - on record in 1992; otherwise known to his Hommies and fans as ODB, a prominent member of The Wu Tang Clan, and a kick-ass hip-hopper in his own right, if we may say so.
Analysis of the Nixon Whitehouse Tapes reveals evidence that he often referred to his Chief of Staff, H.R. Haldeman as, 'His Bitch'. Franz Heibert, an aide to Nixon between 1969 and 1971 told our staff that the President [Nixon] once referred to him [Heibert] as 'Beotch'. In discussions with Mr. Heibert, now a sales representative for PopcornPopcorn - a firm whose byline is: "You'll eat our popcorn if it's the last godd*mn thing you do!" - he revealed that at this time (1969-1971) the President did have a nasty invasive-like head cold, and the word Bitch may have come out as the now popular term, Beotch. Mr. Heibert is quoted in an April 17, 1997 interview as saying, "I may have just said he said [Nixon said] Beotch and made up all that stuff just to get myself in print."
Deeper analysis of this word association, i.e., Bitch v. Beotch shows that indeed with the nasality of Richard M. Nixon combined with a nasty two year sinus infection, the word Bitch does sound quite similar to the modern street slang of white males known as Beotch. Laboratory studies showed conclusively that this scenario can be duplicated by any citizen at home by performing the following:
1. Obtain a head cold, complete with sinus infection.
2. Spend enough time in Yorba Linda, CA to effectively procure the local dialect of English.
3. Fill mouth with peanut-butter coated apple slices. Chew 5 times.
4. Face a parent, teacher or trusted adult friend and say, "You be my Bitch."
9 out of 10 times the other person will indeed hear, "You be my Beotch." 1 out of 10 people hear something quite different, something resembling the following:
"Hoo mere fly Bish."
This person, on hearing the word Bish, while dealing with the confusion of trying to place this non-word, also finds themselves wiping apple peanut-butter shards encased in infected sinal mucous off of their eyes, nose, mouth and neck. Continual lab work found that 1% of these people (1/1000 total) would consistently and without fail begin eating the same infected apple peanut-butter shards that were stuck to their face only moments before. After two weeks of working with these people, our staff voted unanimously that this was terribly grody and could we please get rid of these people ASAP.
Out of our staff of thousands, one employee actually referred to these people as 'Monsters', a term often saved for more palpable creatures such as Godzillaâ or Mothraâ, two individuals with severe Monster potential. For copyright reasons, and for fear our Laboratory might incur legal proceedings from the aforementioned Monsters, this employee was fired.
Laboratory policy dictates that should one employee be fired, a firing-cascade effect will occur until there are no employees left. The inherent problem with this logic is that there is always one employee left; and how can one person fire themselves? This is how:
Me - "Um. You're fired."
Me - "You can't fire me, I quit."
Me - "Whatever, Jackass."
Me - "You just called me a Jackass. That wasn't very nice."
Me - "I'm sorry, it just sort of slipped out. Let me buy you dinner, make it up to you."
Me - "That would be nice. It really would."
Me - "I'll buy."
See?
