tim!: Celebrity 2002 I have a long-standing fascination with celebrity and famous people. It started with a curiosity concerning people that used to be famous, but now have slipped away into obscurity. I decided that this made me sad, and that if I personally were ever to achieve fame or a sudden nationwide fan club, that it had better last well into my golden years. In other words, I wouldn't want to be a flash in the pan. What I would actually prefer to fame is a large sum of money and a secret hideaway or lair. This is something I will likely not have to spend too many nights lying sleepless worrying about. Because of this realization, I am starting to focus my energies on those people who are already famous, and what I would do if I ever saw one of them in public. So far, I have come up with two scenarios. These scenarios are based mostly in my mind. This being their place of origin, I take no responsibility for them once they leave that place.
As far as I can tell, the two scenarios revolve around my own personal mental state du jour. This mental state does have the ability to change from one moment to the next, without warning, and without regard for the havoc that may ensue. Again, this is out of my control. With respect to the interactions with celebrities, the possible interactions are: to ignore them completely, giving them no attention at all; and, pounce upon them in an attempt to "ride" them much like one might ride a horse, or a dog. On the latter note, if you can get them to voluntarily give you a piggy-back ride, then this will suffice. In a perfect world, the perpetrator will be able to climb all the way up to the celebrity's shoulders and ride them up there. I don't know what this is called, but I have reserved piggy-back for the style of riding where you are actually on the person's back, as compared to the more difficult, but much preferred shoulder position.
Mental state #1 is for most days when one might run into a celebrity. My stance is that they already get enough attention as it is, and as much as they might complain about it, they still love it, otherwise they would live in the woods and not go out, ever. So I think to myself, if you see a celebrity - just blow them off. Because after all, they are just people. Their excrement is not golden in color, and free of noxious odors, is it? They are just regular people who are either a) actually talented, or more likely b) the hot thing of the year, soon to be replaced by another hot thing of the year. It is my belief that there are a finite number of positions in the world of Celebrity, and that as soon as a new face comes along, someone else has to go. There are endless examples of this phenomenon, but none that I wish to disclose at this time. This goes against the whole ever-increasing level of disorder in the universe thing. As time marches on, the disorder in our world is ever increasing. Put simply - this is why we have to cut our grass, dust the house, take a shower and in the end, is a really tidy way of explaining why we all will die one day.
Mental state #2 is reserved for those days when I am feeling as if I own the world. And this is difficult to describe, but I will do my best. My cycle between Mental state #1 and Mental state #2 is lunar. It is my own little periodical 28 day cycle. Only instead of causing me to bleed from one of my bodily orifices, it causes me to change into a different person, one that is capable of leaping onto the back of a famous person and riding them around like a show horse, until the security entourage removes me and begins to beat me down.
Mental state #2 is the type of situation where you feel omnipotent. It is the opposite of MS #1. It is the day when there is no knowledge of self-doubt, there is no ghost whispering in your ear. It can best be described as the day when everything just seems to fall in to place, psychically speaking. Like those days when every song on the radio is great, and when you change the channel, you just get another great song. It is also the day, where when a celebrity is seen, you will jump onto them, climb up to roost on their shoulders, and ride them around as you proceed with your day.
The basis of this is that you feel so good about the world and about your own personal omnipotence, that if you were to happen upon a celebrity, you would not get all excited, you would not go goo-goo, you would especially not ask them for an autograph, or even for that matter speak to them at all. You feel so good in fact, that you are compelled to dominate their presence by climbing all over them.
In the movie version of my life, there will be two story lines running towards one another, and at the end of the movie, there will be a 10-minute sequence where the actor playing myself (Pauley Shore) will leap onto Julia Roberts's shoulders and proceed with his (my) day. Of course then they will fall in love, after the ass kicking I receive for the whole jumping sequence. The ass kicking that Pauley Shore receives, to be clear.
I choose Julia Roberts not only because she is an attractive specimen of the human female, but because she is the epitome of Stardom. She is more than a celebrity, she has recently achieved Movie Star status. That, and plus I think it would be visually funny to see an actor playing myself leap upon and ride around on a Movie Star of that magnitude. She won't be getting $20M for it though, she will have to do it for scale. It will be called: Jumping on Julia. Or: My Three Minutes on Julia Roberts's Back.
With the proper organization, I think that we can bring about the downfall of Celebrity. If for no other reason but just to do it. Just because shows like Entertainment Tonight are bad, and they clog the airwaves. Just because they are getting paid insane amounts of money and not making movies that are so good, you find that you are wetting your pants rather than leave the theater to use the lavatory. This is what I am saying. If an actor gets paid that much, they should not be allowed to slum their way through a movie, just for the sake of being in it. The standard of having a Movie Star in a movie just to sell tickets, while the movie itself sucks ass will disappear. The rule of two for Hollywood and one for me will be replaced by a series of really good movies, one after another. I refuse to believe that these people don't know it's bad while they are making it. They have to sit there and defend a bad movie that they got paid sick amounts of money to be in. You know when something is good and when it's not. If you don't know the difference, you don't deserve to be a millionaire.
The way in which we will collectively bring about the fall of Celebrity is to immediately stop going to movies. If everyone stops going, there will be no money to pay these people, and the whole business will fold back down to the really talented people who are in it because they are good at it, AND do it for other reasons besides the money and fame. And this will be hard, do not be fooled. I love seeing movies. But this is just getting out of control. I figure it won't take more than a year to take care of this, as the production companies borrow so much money to make these movies, they don't have enough reserved to weather the storm. At the same time that we are all actively not going to movies, we must all shun the remaining celebrities that we see from time to time on the street. No more autographs, no more crying and screaming. We may have to lock the teen idols up for the better part of that year, as their mere presence it seems can have a bowel-loosening effect on the teens. Then, once we have beaten them down, the remaining few that still show up in public will be leapt upon by select members of the non-celebrity community.
This is how we will get JR for scale. That and plus once she reads the script, she will be overcome with an uncontrollable desire to be in the film, no matter the cost to her paycheck and to the health of her back muscles and skeletal system.
The first one to produce footage of a celebrity being jumped on and ridden gets an all-expense paid weekend trip to NYC, complete with food and drinks, courtesy of the impoverished Happyrobot, USA. If you can get them (the celebrity) to somehow make either train or ambulance noises while all of this is going on, I will rub your feet in public. If you dress someone up to look like a celebrity, and then mount them and videotape all of this, I might not rub your feet, but will likely spend the evening achieving the next day's hangover as we discuss our evil plan.
