tim!: Toothpaste, Beer and Half and Half 2003 My style of grocery shopping on a day like today is manic and revolutionary. I will share it with you, but only if you promise to be nice. And no pulling hair, unless you really mean it.
What I do is this: Enter the grocer's mart, or store, at full speed, but not running - more of a very fast walking movement. The key to it is that you cannot stop moving. You absolutely cannot stop moving. And this is not just something I'm saying to pass the time. This is a hard and fast rule that absolutely can not be broken. If you stop moving you will get stuck somewhere in aisle 7 looking at feminine deodorant spray, wondering why you are looking at the spray, yet unable to pull yourself away from finding out both the can's contents and place of origin. This will lead to worse things, I assure you. So please pay attention.
The second thing to remember after never to stop moving is to not let anything get in your way. Because of course, if something gets in your way, like say for instance, a mother with children, you will get delayed; you will become slow and sluggish and end up somewhere you don't want to be. So then, what does this mean? It means you have to be prepared for this instance and try to avoid it, but also, you have to be prepared to deal with some rather unpleasant situations that may get a little weird.
What I'm talking about is that you have to be ready to push someone down. Not the children, because they'll just think it's a game and they will come after you for more. No, you have to go for the mother. If you take the mother down, the children will likely swarm around her, thinking she is ready for play time, when in reality you have succeeded in giving her a trick knee. But no matter. Before you hear the thump sound of her as yet unreplaced hip hitting the cement/linoleum floor, you will be off to aisle 19, gazing at the new hair gel, the one that smells better that anything you have ever smelled ever, and will complement your trilogy of daily hair additions in a way that no one else will ever understand.
And to be clear, you're not just zipping around the store between the toothpaste and the beer, stopping along the way for a look at the eggs. You never stop moving. An example: I was this evening in the market for my favorite toothpaste. At first pass, I did not see it, as it is slightly obscure. All I saw was the Crest display. So I kept turning and re-passing the toothpaste section over and over until I saw my brand. It would be better if you were to run at full speed to your next destination, but we do what we can.
Of course, once you get to the check-out stand, you will have to remain still to pay the man for all of your necessities. I encourage you during training, to at least hop up and down while your change is processed. The other option is to run back and forth in front of the register, but then people will think you are playing and they will climb on you. Not a bad thing, having others climb on you, until you try and take a nap and one of them just won't go home, and they are hogging the couch.
A note on Grandmothers: I would never push my own personal GMA to the ground to save 3 seconds in getting my paws on some cheese, but your Grandmother is fair game. And if she happens to be in the market for some cheese that day, well, make sure you tell her how much you appreciate the Susan B. Anthony dollar coin she gave you when you were 11 soon, because maybe someday, it will be different. Maybe someday, you will have lost your chance and you will wish you had said something that you did not say. And this will not be my fault, because only a monster would push an old woman to the floor. Sure, it's fun to talk about, but my track record is safe.
I need to go so much slower. So much more hiding to be done. Must go faster, must go faster and produce more. Produce and hide. This is how the world will be saved.
