Film and Television Rights: Notes on Success at Ikea in Elizabeth, NJ

Go early--early as worm eaters early.

Do a trial run and take notes (Do not carry or push anything).

Run damnit, run! The throngs will be here soon.

Decide between the Achtung credenza and the Boris shelving.

Sit down and eat your meatballs.

Take out your calculator and make some shrewd decisions. Extend your spending limit by 1/4.

As much as you can, make fun of the names of the products. Shout in the aisles Himsler! Dansküt! Kroüp!

Breathe through your mouth because those meatballs or the lingonberry punch gives everybody gas, and I mean everybody.

There are celebrities shopping here. Did you see Jackie from That Seventies Show? Well, there she is, just like a real person, in that she's clueless as to how to get this crap home.

Remember you have to put this sh*t together. That's where the savings come in--you bring home a box of screws, pins, and pressed wood mulch and Ta Da!! An x-ray machine.

Be happy with the results.

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