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I gave myself a break last night.
it's been ten years since I've flirted with anyone else.
and I'm one of the biggest feelers on our planet.
I'm going to feel.
"...let's dance for fear that life is all..."
tritherigerius Hermes or whatever you call that thrice-bodied Hermes god. I'm in this position. I'm about to be a ghosted thrice-texted scorned bumble hag. What are you doing with your day? and it's only because it's so very rare to have puppies who can be quick and dart into your mind. Oh well. I had been shocked he had talked to me this far. I'm terrible with being a "fuck you mother fucker I'm not giving you the satisfaction of responding". I'm a communicator. I flood. I over communicate. I like closure. I changed from INFP to INFJ because I like closure.
Even my tea cup is heavy today.
The neighbor cats sleep with me. I forget I don't have cats often.
I'm always on two time zones during the week.
today, is a Monday that's a sort of obscure day off in my sector, and I'm going to take the fuck off out of it. I'm in love with today as a day fucking fuck off.
"she gathered the corners and collared her gown." (that's an oscure random lyric and it's from 'harborcoat' via R.E.M."
Ok, so here's what I'm thinking as far as closure:
beloved closure:
"And thus I become triple-texting ghosted.
Thank you for the feint hope and the practice. You're the first other human I've flirted with in ten years. Go get 'em tiger. Best to your car, gut muscles, and toe..."
and thus would end my first dalliance besides the chaste turn with the Simpsons barney lawyer from cheers.
and I'll have to tell you that between 'first human I've in ten years" and "go get 'em" my head was on the desk like a fourth grader bawling.
Now we'll go back to our regularly scheduled ugly hate machine. I'm an old crone and fucking annihilate anyone who loves me within in million mile radius. run stupid dumbass. run. I sit in this new exile running on vapors of bird sightings and persistent friendly neighbor cats. the shock and pain is less stunning and acute today. It was really fun not to think about my past for about a week though. It was interesting to imagine even two days of getting to pretend it was possible to make love.
The interesting thing about being a hermit is that you build on a lot of your past. I think I've always been and will always be someone who feels by writing and dancing and music and emotions play within my psyche like others might play with thoughts - and my emotions ride thoughts but mostly it's shame and guilt those are the big ones for me. I can cry cry cry.
And alone is fine. I just don't want to have to feel like I have to die when I'm alone. that's such a buzzkill. It's barely seven in the morning and the neighbor cats wake me up at five but it's ok because I go to bed at seven so whatever. and the moon is rising in front of me. dawn is creeping to the left and catwoman by wedding present is playing. it's such a danceable tune....
and le sigh
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