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She hadn't slept at all from 2:30am until 5:20am when she dared to look at the clock.
"fuck you Orangie. Shut the fuck up."
Then she did something she rarely does - she tapped the Benadryl-like anti-anxiety pill that might give her sleep. And she kicked the cat out the front door on the way. It was amazing to feel her body physically release and relax in stages once the drugs kicked in.
She lasted until 7:30 when the fucking orange cat came screaming at the window.
Her fault.
Her fault, but still it was a theme: no ability to say no - instead hiding.
She would have slept in the other room, but she wanted her mother to have the new sheet feeling. Besides, it was so young to hide.
Even work had intruded on her life. She was gone at a very inconvenient time, but oh well. She wasn't going to miss her mother's birthday to sit suttee.
And he was coming.
It astounded and confused her. What did it mean. And it shut her limerence right down. Instead of "I love him" she was more of a fearful "what the fuck is this going to be."
She had prayed on the ground to have this happen and go OK so it was something she wanted, but it was going to be a stern test. There was a full moon eclipse on her mother's birthday. Narcissi was already tired.
She realizes she has a fucking mullet, but she doesn't want to cut it to match. She wants to grow it. Might as well face it though, her hair was witchy. Maybe she could take a nap after she goes all the way to Aldi's to try and circumvent her mother's complaints.
One day, this would all be a memory. And the birthday gal was not at all pleased that she had to share her birthday with two strangers, but oh well.
"Oh mother, I've been the fifth wheel so many times. Now you finally get to see what it's like. At least I'm not bringing someone who doesn't matter just so I don't have to be alone with everyone. I really like this person."
And the feeling of pulling back from him - of criticizing him - it came from her family. She was trying to mitigate the pain. Going before her family was like going before a silent screaming critical review board. It was passive. It was unsaid (most of the time) and it sucked.
It was all in her mind. Madam Adam had drawn the 10 of swords and said "you have got to get out of your head. The bomb has gone off. Now you can live in the now. Look towards your goals and stick to the plan."
The plan was to open her soul to another human and have him say.
"yes"
That control was out of her hands though, and she fucking loved control. (Didn't everyone).
She had thought about cutting the grass again, but she wasn't in the fucking mood.
time to shop.
"you are afraid of surrender because you don't want to lose control, but you never had control: all you had was anxiety" - e. Gilbert
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