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Winner of the War on Christmas
(12/25/2005-1/1/2006)
Hand Washing Awareness Week (40%)
Boxing Day (28%)
Christmas (20%)
Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe (12%)



Who is really behind this war on Christmas?
(12/18/2005-12/25/2005)
Secretaries Day (35%)
Groundhog Day (32%)
Arbor Day (23%)
Easter (10%)



Most beloved bachelorette at happyrobot
(12/11/2005-12/18/2005)
Bigfoot confidant Eve (42%)
Police handcuffed Kelly (23%)
Bouncy castle Anne (13%)
Taunting Astronauts Mina (12%)
You are getting very sleepy Kristen (6%)
Juvenile courtroom sketch artist Vera (4%)



Most beloved bachelor at happyrobot
(12/4/2005-12/11/2005)
Bag full of hoagies HonkyCracker (27%)
Police handcuffed Stu (25%)
Slap happy Blaine (24%)
Smoking jacket clad Tim (24%)



Christmas Tree?
(11/27/2005-12/4/2005)
I like trees (67%)
Will get one (15%)
Never gets one (15%)
Won’t get one (4%)



My Thanksgiving strategy
(11/20/2005-11/27/2005)
Stop eating when pants comically burst apart (54%)
Stop eating when I collapse on the floor (32%)
Stop eating when unable to breathe (14%)



Reason my approval rating is so low
(11/13/2005-11/20/2005)
I’m doing a fine job - most people are just jerks (44%)
My “Pancakes for Iraq” policy (26%)
All those parakeets (26%)
Consistent losing in Tough-Man bouts (4%)



My winning strategy for the NYC Marathon
(11/6/2005-11/13/2005)
Eating meat only from animals that can run fast (59%)
Aerodynamic haircut (16%)
Uncomfortably short shorts (16%)
Zips (9%)



You want some candy?
(10/30/2005-11/6/2005)
Ninjas don’t eat candy. (43%)
Teeth don’t fail me now. (29%)
Teens stole it all. (14%)
This holiday sure made me satanic! (14%)



The only phrase I know in French
(10/23/2005-10/30/2005)
Even with a cold, she is a beautiful creature. Wait here while I purchase her some flowers. (33%)
Is your husband here? (26%)
Hello. I’d like more honey-baked ham. (23%)
Give me back my sled! (18%)



Why do I keep getting struck by lightning?
(10/16/2005-10/23/2005)
Blasphemy? 24-7. (47%)
My rod-ish appearance (23%)
My blatant disregard for clouds. (17%)
Those shorts I wear. (13%)



Toxic Plant Name and/or High School mascot
(10/9/2005-10/16/2005)
Pigweed (52%)
Squirrelcorn (26%)
Jerusalem Cherry (15%)
Kentucky Coffee Tree (7%)



Favorite neighbors who live across the breezeway
(10/2/2005-10/9/2005)
Casting voodoo spells on me woman (48%)
Nasty little dog (33%)
Yelling at children next to window woman (12%)
Yelling at sports on TV guys (6%)



Best remaining hurricane name and/or Best name for pet snail
(9/25/2005-10/2/2005)
Wilma (41%)
Vince (24%)
Stan (22%)
Tammy (14%)



Favorite actual Mr. T quote
(9/18/2005-9/25/2005)
You put cake in my van? (54%)
Shut up fool, you ain't no fish! (27%)
I think you guys wear panty hose! (20%)



Summer is over
(9/11/2005-9/18/2005)
Is that your name on your buckle? (40%)
Time to just buckle normally (31%)
Buck? (17%)
Time to buckle down (11%)



Things you can't do after Labor Day
(9/4/2005-9/11/2005)
Hang out with white people (57%)
Listen to the White Stripes (27%)
Wear white socks (8%)
Use white paint (8%)



September? Already?
(8/28/2005-9/4/2005)
By “September”, you must mean “Sextember”, right? (47%)
Do these fall-colored pants make my butt look large? (33%)
Are you sure? Where’d you get this calendar? (19%)
Bye bye sunscreen. (2%)



Everything I ever needed to know, I learned in
(8/21/2005-8/28/2005)
a cardboard box (32%)
Arby’s Managerial Leadership Program (32%)
clown school (20%)
driver’s ed (15%)



Sexy party people all scream for
(8/14/2005-8/21/2005)
SizzleLean (47%)
Afro sheen (38%)
Eye cream (15%)



Things that will shoot out of my nose if you keep making me laugh so hard
(8/7/2005-8/14/2005)
Pinks and greys (27%)
Tic Tacs (27%)
Euphemisms (27%)
Little tiny screws (19%)



Features of the happyrobot beach resort
(7/31/2005-8/7/2005)
Towel monkeys (58%)
Crabs that don’t judge (19%)
Shark-proofed ocean (11%)
Unholy mackerel (11%)



How much barbeque did i eat on saturday?
(7/24/2005-7/31/2005)
nowhere near enough. (53%)
27 lbs. (32%)
ouch, my pants are tight. (8%)
mmpfph. can't fit through door. (8%)



Hey professor. What's another word for pirate's treasure?
(7/17/2005-7/24/2005)
Knock knock? who's there? Booty. Booty who? I think it's booty. (33%)
None of the above. Booty instead. (26%)
Booty. That's what it is. (23%)
I think it's booty (12%)
Trick question - it's booty. (7%)



Favorite pastimes of bomb planting terrorists
(7/10/2005-7/17/2005)
Douche baggery (55%)
Writing bomb planting terrorist fan fiction (34%)
Gardening (but in a real coward way) (10%)



Common mispellings of "happyrobot"
(7/3/2005-7/10/2005)
hoppyrabbit (36%)
robbyhapbot (30%)
harobotoooy (24%)
haoopyrobot (9%)



Why I was asked to leave Disney World
(6/26/2005-7/3/2005)
It’s a small world in my pants (43%)
Shirt that said “Walt: Suck This” (26%)
I wore out Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride (24%)
Hall of Presidents moshing (7%)



My favorite sentence from “Love Stinks” entries that came in over the weekend
(6/19/2005-6/26/2005)
He almost made it with two hot retarded 18 year old lesbians (53%)
The one thing that bothers me the most about our 13-day relationship… (33%)
I check the Vegas Marriage records and sure enough he married her (8%)
She was 5 inches taller then he was and he has a speech impediment (6%)



Hot enough for you?
(6/12/2005-6/19/2005)
Zombies are saying, “Braaaaiinnnss…. Ah, who are we kidding – it’s too hot for brains.” (35%)
It’s like being in hell, but without the constant screaming of the damned. (30%)
I just love being sticky all the time. (19%)
My job just changed to business tank-top (16%)



This summer’s hot fashion
(6/5/2005-6/12/2005)
Pasty white (51%)
Helmets (24%)
Mosquito bites (22%)
Parkas (3%)



Movies Netflix recommended when I added the documentary “Sherman’s March” to my queue
(5/29/2005-6/5/2005)
All dogs go to heaven (66%)
The Best Little Whore House in Texas (17%)
Down By Law (10%)
The Long Goodbye (Elliott Gould! Yes!) (7%)



Benefits of having good relations with Wookiees
(5/22/2005-5/29/2005)
Wookiees more than happy to help you move (52%)
Invitations to Wookiee dinner parties (32%)
They can always be counted on to pledge money for your charity walks (16%)



My latest list submission to McSweeney’s that didn’t get picked up
(5/15/2005-5/22/2005)
List of my latest list submissions to McSweeney’s that didn’t get picked up (44%)
Nine Marshall Crenshaw Songs That Accurately Describe My Life at Any Given Time (26%)
Things you shouldn’t give to robots (21%)
Seven Unsaid Sad Goodbyes (10%)



Classic, yet failed, attempts on my life
(5/8/2005-5/15/2005)
1996 - Razor Monkeys (38%)
2000 – Silly String chemical burn (34%)
2002 – Bag O’ Scorpions (24%)
2003 – Poisoned soup (3%)



I am a licensed professional blogger
(5/1/2005-5/8/2005)
My official internet badge says so (66%)
I should really hyperlink everything first (21%)
Does this site have a pod-cast? (10%)
I got hired by a top-of-the-line company for my computer skills. (3%)



Happy ____ over
(4/24/2005-5/1/2005)
Sleep (73%)
Step (12%)
Fly (10%)
Pass (5%)



____ and tonic
(4/17/2005-4/24/2005)
Kancho (38%)
Sexy (27%)
Small claims court (19%)
Cheese (16%)



Here comes your
(4/10/2005-4/17/2005)
Pack of roving gypsies (42%)
Ill fitting swim trunks (33%)
Squirrel (15%)
Privatized social security (9%)



My Checking account
(4/3/2005-4/10/2005)
$1000 - $2500 (30%)
Less than $100 (18%)
$5000 + (18%)
$100 - $500 (16%)
$500 - $1000 (14%)
$2500 - $5000 (5%)



C'mon! Who wants to do the sexy sexy?!
(3/27/2005-4/3/2005)
Tuesday (38%)
Only if you are a pro-blogger (28%)
Exactly how old are you? (21%)
Maybe later (13%)



The first day of spring
(3/20/2005-3/27/2005)
Bumblebees with frost bite (37%)
Pretty flowers covered in road salt (33%)
Baby bunnies shivering in the snow (30%)



Beware the
(3/13/2005-3/20/2005)
Tides of Starch (56%)
Rides of Peter Falk (34%)
Ides of April (9%)



My new job title
(3/6/2005-3/13/2005)
Jimmy (45%)
Mastery Master (22%)
Synergy King (18%)
Head bagger (15%)



Items found on my hacked sidekick
(2/27/2005-3/6/2005)
List of ideas for daily mantras that oddly all contain the phrase "elastic waistband" (36%)
The Butterball turkey hotline phone number (33%)
Painfully empty calendar (30%)



What’s the name of that show?
(2/20/2005-2/27/2005)
Despot Housewives (53%)
Disparate Housewives (31%)
Desperado Housewives (16%)



Things that are plastic and fantastic
(2/13/2005-2/20/2005)
My mattress pad (39%)
The roses I just gave you (37%)
My new hip (24%)



Every time I leave the house I run into
(2/6/2005-2/13/2005)
Sexy retirees (52%)
Teens with angry pet cougars (25%)
Malfunctioning robots with springs poking out (12%)
TV viewers in the mountain time zone (10%)



superbowls are
(1/30/2005-2/6/2005)
bonding time between me and my sweet sweet nachos (38%)
a time when i re-assert my outsider status (32%)
bowls that have exceeded expectation this semester (18%)
awesome dude! high five! (12%)



I for one welcome our new polar bear overlords
(1/23/2005-1/30/2005)
Polar bears are pretty (33%)
Yum! Fresh bearded seal! (27%)
Polar bears don’t hate freedom (23%)
I am a fan of sun-bloated whale carcass (17%)



Filthy lies I told last week
(1/16/2005-1/23/2005)
"No, really. It’s clean." (30%)
"Pretty sure the squirrels did that." (30%)
"I tried to shave it." (27%)
"I swear, that monkey wore it’s diaper all day." (13%)



Things you find the ocean and/or words used by Bill Cosby
(1/9/2005-1/16/2005)
Dad is great – gives us chocolate cake (33%)
Flotsam Jetsam (25%)
Phlism Phlasm (19%)
Sea Anemone (11%)
Obie Kabie (11%)



My prediction for 2005
(1/2/2005-1/9/2005)
Iraq renamed "IRock" (45%)
Way more of the sexy sexy (35%)
Increased random syringe poking (19%)




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