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My New Year's Resolution
(12/27/2009-1/3/2010)
More Pork. (84%)
Less Pork. (16%)



This would make a good holiday poll topic
(12/20/2009-12/27/2009)
Sexy Santa said what? (35%)
Reindeer missed connections (29%)
What I am leaving for Santa (24%)
Past War-on-Christmas Battles (12%)



What to expect from me at your holiday office party
(12/13/2009-12/20/2009)
Sexy Santa dancing (30%)
Sexy double chip dipping (30%)
Sexy office supply stealing (30%)
Sexy small talking (11%)



My favorite Christmas tree ornament
(12/6/2009-12/13/2009)
Panties (38%)
The Taco Bell Taco-Claus (27%)
Steve (19%)
The ComCast Shiny Balls of Media (15%)



What I was arrested for at Thanksgiving
(11/29/2009-12/6/2009)
Stuffing stuffing (64%)
Pilgrim poking (18%)
Turkey trauma (9%)
Cornucopia copping (9%)



Screw vampires. I want a movie about
(11/22/2009-11/29/2009)
The Bug Bear (the creepy Celtic bear monster) (50%)
The Headless Mule (the creepy Brazilian monster) (28%)
The Great Boo (the Aboriginal monster) (11%)
Ox-Head and Horse-Face (those creepy Chinese monsters) (11%)



Cosmo's Headline: His #1 Sex Wish!
(11/15/2009-11/22/2009)
Wish #2: Very mysterious sex (33%)
Wish #3: Bouncy castle sex (28%)
Wish #5: Environmentally sustainable sex (22%)
Wish #4: Police line-up sex (17%)



Pork included in the Health Care Reform Bill
(11/8/2009-11/15/2009)
That ham you get that has the little piece of bacon attached to it (38%)
Shredded pork on a bun with cole slaw (31%)
Pork shoulder (19%)
Chitlins (12%)



Instead of the H1N1 vaccine, I was given
(11/1/2009-11/8/2009)
extra cheese (30%)
anti-zombie spray (30%)
a magic wand (22%)
a picture of the vaccine (17%)



What my horn honking means
(10/25/2009-11/1/2009)
"My McSlurpy is melting! I must get another!" (38%)
"I must hurry home to watch television! Hurry up!" (29%)
"I'm honking so that the people on the phone will know I am driving my awesome car" (24%)
"Check out my car! It's clean! I just got it washed!" (10%)



The rides I rode at Disney World
(10/18/2009-10/25/2009)
Adults who like to sit still with a drink Ride (40%)
Spinny McSpinners Magical Spinning Ride (27%)
The Magical Movie Merchandise Ride (20%)
The Mysterious Turkey Leg Ride (13%)



People who showed up unexpectedly on Three's Company
(10/11/2009-10/18/2009)
Jack's charming Uncle Fremont (41%)
Jack's blind buddy (32%)
Janet's high school heartthrob (14%)
Chrissy's minister father (14%)



Why October rocks
(10/4/2009-10/11/2009)
Taco-tober-fest (68%)
Sexy Fall Fashions (16%)
Those idiot birds have finally migrated south (11%)
It's when I get to leave the home (5%)



Why my religion is better than yours
(9/27/2009-10/4/2009)
Ladies get in free to our services (43%)
3 out of 5 Gods agree my religion is best (26%)
Creation story involves pirates (17%)
Free refills (13%)



That's not a bomb making book, it's a...
(9/20/2009-9/27/2009)
Quick dinners for busy bomber moms book (55%)
The screenplay for Ishtar (Hi-yo!) (32%)
Bomb diffusing book (9%)
Jewelry safe for small bombs faux-book (5%)



You don't really know what Socialism entails, do you?
(9/13/2009-9/20/2009)
Something about non-whites and/or homosexuals teaching my children science (53%)
Something about Wal-Marts being shut down (21%)
Something about Islam (16%)
Something about immigrants (11%)



I gained weight my freshmen year because
(9/6/2009-9/13/2009)
Hoagie club (50%)
Eating freshmen (29%)
Ball-bearing diet (14%)
Those odd alien pod things (7%)



Ground rules I laid down with my new college roommate
(8/30/2009-9/6/2009)
Yellow bandanna on the doorknob means there is plastic sheeting on the floor (34%)
Blue bandanna on the doorknob means you lovely sister has stopped by (25%)
Red bandanna on the doorknob means I am trying out a new safe word (25%)
Green bandanna on the doorknob means I am experimenting with warm oils (16%)



What I yelled out during last nights town-hall meeting
(8/23/2009-8/30/2009)
Gibberish chicken noises (41%)
An anagram (21%)
Code words (21%)
Some clever idioms (17%)



Where did I get this rash from?
(8/16/2009-8/23/2009)
Port Authority Bus Terminal (58%)
Your attractive sister (25%)
Your homely brother (8%)
Your snappy dressed uncle (8%)



My favorite part of the new GI Joe movie
(8/9/2009-8/16/2009)
The funny part with GI Joe at the Cordon Bleu (32%)
GI Joe's first television appearance (32%)
When GI Joe pulls out that old cookbook (21%)
When GI Joe arrives in France and discovers sole (16%)



Things revealed by my birth certificate
(8/2/2009-8/9/2009)
My father's middle name is "Randy" (37%)
My father is a famous stunt bike rider (21%)
My father once turned into a shaggy dog (21%)
My father is an imaginary astronaut (21%)



The dangers we will encounter with public health care
(7/26/2009-8/2/2009)
The quality of food in hospitals will suffer (34%)
The title of "Doctor" will be replaced by "Cure Master" (31%)
Americans will have to start saying, "We had to go to hospital" (17%)
Late at night, emergency rooms will be full of weirdos (17%)



What my upstairs neighbor is doing at 11pm
(7/19/2009-7/26/2009)
Vacuuming his ball bearing collection (45%)
Cinder block moving (30%)
Cat tap dancing rehearsal (20%)
Sitting quietly (5%)



I think there is sand in my
(7/12/2009-7/19/2009)
Eye sack (40%)
Knee groin (27%)
Nose-a-phone (20%)
Ear bone (13%)



Boys and/or Girls I have made-out with this summer
(7/5/2009-7/12/2009)
Your attractive sister (44%)
The one with the sunburned arms (22%)
The very friendly dolphin (22%)
The one with the sandy lips (11%)



Vendors at today's street fair
(6/28/2009-7/5/2009)
Fried tube sock vendor (42%)
Fried chair massage vendor (27%)
Fried chintzy jewelery vendor (23%)
Fried bouncy castle vendor (8%)



Symptoms of Rain Rage
(6/21/2009-6/28/2009)
Hosting dry t-shirt contests (45%)
Mildew poisoning (25%)
Shuffling, not dancing, during rain dances (20%)
Constant punching of rain drops (10%)



Best feature on the new iPhone
(6/14/2009-6/21/2009)
Mountain lion detector (48%)
Genie (32%)
Waffle iron (16%)
Cigarette lighter (4%)



This summer... what about us?
(6/7/2009-6/14/2009)
I plan on seeing many other people while wearing this gold lamé outfit I bought at American Apparel (50%)
I plan on seeing other people usually at Port Authority (24%)
We'll write each other every day (17%)
I plan on seeing other people (10%)



Things I'd wrap in bacon if I could
(5/31/2009-6/7/2009)
Your attractive sister (61%)
Waffles (17%)
The lunatic Right (14%)
The lunatic Left (8%)



Things at the beach that are giving me the stink eye
(5/24/2009-5/31/2009)
Small Nephew (38%)
Mega Shark (31%)
Mischievous Jellyfish (23%)
Giant Octopus (8%)



The main point I made during the commencement speech
(5/17/2009-5/24/2009)
Stay off my lawn (81%)
Ladies love cool Jay (10%)
Corn (5%)
Keep your hands in the car at all times (4%)



Things I like to shout out the second floor window to people on the street
(5/10/2009-5/17/2009)
Robot! Be careful! (40%)
I love you, but I'm not in love with you. (27%)
I'm fine, but I've had diarrhea all day (17%)
Quit messing! (17%)



Pandemics that haven't gotten a lot of press recently
(5/3/2009-5/10/2009)
The one with the itching (31%)
The one I got from your sister and/or brother (31%)
The pleated trouser pandemic (29%)
The pandemic pandemic (9%)



The best type of marriage
(4/26/2009-5/3/2009)
Non-Opposite but it's complicated and yet opposite marriage (39%)
Opposite with privileges marriage (35%)
Un-opposite opposite marriage (16%)
Opposite marriage (10%)



In the spring a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of
(4/19/2009-4/26/2009)
Hipster Grifters (40%)
God-Fearing Hippos (27%)
Hapless Gaffers (20%)
Gadfly Hippies (13%)



Tax deductions we made at happyrobot
(4/12/2009-4/19/2009)
Bionic Stu parts (32%)
Brown spirits (29%)
Stink eye (29%)
Various sprays (11%)



If these aren't our salad days, then what are they?
(4/5/2009-4/12/2009)
Our Chinese dumpling days (41%)
Our pricey tapas days (30%)
Our dishes with foam days (19%)
Our filling tamales days (11%)



Ah, Spring. And my thoughts turn to...
(3/29/2009-4/5/2009)
Global financial ruin (46%)
Scorpions (25%)
Ringworm (17%)
Rabies (12%)



My well thought out comment in regards to your post
(3/22/2009-3/29/2009)
I find your ideas stupid (59%)
I suspect that you are a homosexual (16%)
I posted my comment first before anyone else (13%)
I own over 2000 DVDs, hence I know more about movies (13%)



The reason I am not buying your racehorse
(3/15/2009-3/22/2009)
Stu rode it while nude (54%)
It's a dog (19%)
It's a goat (15%)
It's a small horse that appears to be stuck in mud but isn't (12%)



The reason I am not buying your house
(3/8/2009-3/15/2009)
The non-childproof moat (38%)
The rattlesnake problem (29%)
The granite appliances (21%)
The sinkholes (12%)



What I just twittered about
(3/1/2009-3/8/2009)
Territorial defense (50%)
Distress (18%)
Aggression (14%)
Feeding (14%)
Pleasure (4%)



Who I thanked when I won that award the other night
(2/22/2009-3/1/2009)
Tiny screws (38%)
Cole slaw (25%)
Waffles (25%)
Canada and Mexico (12%)



My favorite piece of Ikea furniture and/or Brooklyn street
(2/15/2009-2/22/2009)
Schermerhorn (31%)
Lusy Gomma (22%)
Luquer (22%)
Cortelyou (12%)
Imlay (12%)



Things I've smacked down
(2/8/2009-2/15/2009)
Your last post (30%)
The Youth (26%)
Big rubber ball (23%)
Hairballs (21%)



Things websites do to celebrate their birthdays
(2/1/2009-2/8/2009)
Take a long sudsy bath (44%)
Have the tubes flushed (36%)
Get clean websheets (12%)
Clear out the interweb dust (8%)



The new virus I have on my computer
(1/25/2009-2/1/2009)
Woolly monkey sarcoma virus (43%)
Alligatorweed stunting virus (24%)
San Miguel sealion virus (19%)
Horseradish latent virus (14%)



First thing you need to do when you move into the White House
(1/18/2009-1/25/2009)
Sprinkle coyote urine around the property to keep raccoons out (68%)
Inspect the roof for any winter damage to avoid leaks (18%)
Check septic tank level (9%)
Examine chimney for blockages and soot (6%)



My favorite kind of tarantula and/or the codename for something nasty
(1/11/2009-1/18/2009)
Honduran Curly Hair (38%)
Brazilian Black & White (24%)
Mexican Red Knee (24%)
Goliath Bird Eating (14%)



How is 2009 going for you so far?
(1/4/2009-1/11/2009)
I'm wearing a barrel. (43%)
Unemployment-riffic! (30%)
Smashing (windows)! (16%)
Apocalyptic! (11%)




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