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The movie of the week: Hell comes to Frogtown.
Wednesday, December 1, 2004

› by victoria

This little known masterpiece--I bought it for quite a reasonable price at a chain bookstore whose name rhymes with Ralph-Rice-Rooks--is from 1988. You've probably never heard of it. But it's SO bad--and when I say bad, you know I mean b-a-d--that it achieves the status of high art.

The plot revolves around this guy, named Sam Hell who is played by an actor named Roddy Piper, who is one of the few "fertile" men left in a post-nuclear-war world. The human birthrate has badly declined because fertile men are so rare, and so even though Roddy has committed several crimes, he is exonerated--but only if he joins the Fertility Squad. His mission? To impregnate as many women as possible...anyways, he goes on this mission to rescue 8 fertile women who have been kidnapped by the mutant Frog People.

Along with Roddy on this mission goes some cheap blond ho trying to disguise herself as a nurse by wearing glasses, whom I'll call "Crystal", and a tough-army-girl who's actually pretty cool and can almost act but tragically does not appear in more than 30 seconds of the film. They're all driving out onto the Frog Mutant Reservation which is out in the Nuclear Desert (on the way, it appears that the nuclear bomb apocalypse spared such bizarre items as pristine lawnchairs, billboards, and border stations) and when they stop to camp the night, "Crystal" decides that she wants to have Roddy's baby. Heh heh. So we have to suffer through her vamping, and then Roddy discovers that--oh no!--the Fertility Squad has placed him in a chastity-belt-type device to protect his "government equipment". So he turns down Crystal, and then army-girl, because both of them are (gasp) infertile.

When they get to Frogtown the next day, Roddy disguises Crystal as his "love-slave" (I told you this movie was bad) and they go into the Frogtown Bar. Now this is where the special fx come in: the frog mutants' lips don't move when they talk. So it's pretty funny--except when this frogmutant Show Girl decides that she wants Roddy's baby also. All this action leads to Crystal's being kidnapped for the lead bad-frog's harem, and Roddy is chained to a pipe with this other frog wielding a chainsaw at him to cut off his chastity-belt.

The cinematography alternates between scenes of Crystal getting super-turned-on by having chiffon scarves waved in front of her (??!!) and Roddy screaming "NNOOOOO!" as his manliness is threatened. But Roddy's chastity belt is cut off safely, and it explodes, killing the bad frog. Yay! Crystal is still in peril--she is forced to do the "Dance of the Three Snakes" for the lead-bad-frog, Toady.

Toady is actually pretty gross, 'cuz they actually, um, imply that he is, um, "excited" by her dance. And her dancing is pretty bad, just to warn you. But just as Crystal is refusing to give Toady, um, satisfaction, Roddy shows up and saves the day! Then Crystal decides to kick butt--notably Toady's crotch--all while wearing a white lace teddy and matching mules, MULES--and she rescues the other girls in Toady's harem. As they drive away in their car, they are stopped by this freaky dude from the beginning of the movie whom Roddy kills.
But then Toady is in hot-pursuit!

So then Roddy stops them as well. I think he throws him off the cliff. And then, as they're driving away in the car, Roddy looks in the backseat at all these fertile women dressed in cheap "I Dream of Jeannie" halloween costumes, and says "I guess a man's work is never done."
Wow. A more chauvinistic piece of movie crappiness I have never seen!
But watch it yourself, if you don't believe me!

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