|
|
1. Don't apply bumper stickers, decals or other sticky things to my car. They label and define me to complete strangers who may not understand my interest in Sahari Desert Jumping Sandbugs or Amazon Rain Forest Tree Monkeys. Also, the stickers are hard to remove when the animals become extinct.
2. Don't mail important papers without taking photocopies first. I may have to sue someone later, or accuse them of identity theft, and I'd like to know which name and numbers I gave them first.
3. Don't wear black or dark hose with light or white dresses, and don't wear white or light hose with dark or black dresses. It's a grievous fashion error, one which I have never violated, but every time I see this spectacle, I groan.
4. Don't verbalize story plots or one-liners to non-artistic folks as in their ignorance of the craft, they say something to ruin my enthusiasm every time. In fact, don't tell anyone. Just write the story and collect the money, if that is at all possible.
5. Don't try to joke with sexist male bosses. They don't think women are smart enough to be witty, except in the context of funny, e.g. dumb, funny-silly, or funny-cute. Next time, just say goo-goo ga-ga.
6. Don't stay in the bathtub running a stream of hot water for more than three hours without drinks nearby. This is a surefire way to become super-dehydrated (although excellent for the pores) and to empty the 30-gallon hot water tank--and I don't want that showing up on the water bill.
7. Don't eat more than six fresh-from-the-oven chocolate chip cookies all at once. It's too much warm sugar hitting the stomach at one go and is unsettling, especially before bedtime. Just eat three. Or two. Or one. Or none.
8. Don't sit in a parked car while a transient missing his front teeth and sporting a Bozo hairdo stands in my path and rants, "I just want to ask you a favor." No, instead gun it and get the hell out of there. He'll move, or not.
9. Don't tip the McDonald's worker a buck when buying Super Size Fries at midnight. It really freaks them out because they aren't used to that kind of generosity so late at night. Maybe ten cents should be the standard amount. They can always tell their boss later that they found it on the floor.
10. Don't pluck my eyebrows when driving on the highway ever again! Sheesh. If some non-plucking driver with a cell calls me in drunk for weaving over the line, what will I tell the Officer? I was adjusting my visor? If I crash, what will I tell my insurance company? That I'll never pluck and drive again? Plus, it's too easy to pluck a good hair when hitting a road bump and the good ones don't grow back--it's Murphy's Law.
|
|
