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twelve moons ago, it would have been the day after the anniversary - probably a Saturday since today is Sunday yet with leap year and all it's such a toss up. I had thought was so easy - always calibrating to the traditional wedding anniversary. he gave me a silver collar necklace (he liked to choke me to help him achieve the big O - it had been too long to change my mind that I didn't like it), and I gave him a stainless steel knife. This one was the easiest. He liked knives, and I probably hoped on this weekend day from school - if it was Saturday, I was working/schooling that he would leave me be or better go out and do something that would be useful for the union. We would have had a dinner - maybe at Marzano's down the street. I had been in no mood to leave my nest with my one person and three occasional step children included in my four year solitude. I was doing school and all-consumed with the major shift in my life I would be having to make from secretary to psychological help mate.
eight months ago, I was awakening to a Monday or did I ever sleep? in prison/poor people hospital triage. The doctor scoffed "oh, it's just dermatitis fibrulitus. three days of antibiotics". The hell of my last nine days encapsulated. And those antibiotics were life, and I slept for two days solid in the crazy jail. The real jail had to be endured.
When I got out, I cleaned a Blackbeard's closet of stuff Andrew had had in the back. I wanted to know what this man thought of me. It broke my heart when I read a questionnaire from jay the therapist asking "what's your biggest fear" and he put "jail"...where he sent me with sea creatures poisoning my body and blistering my brain. One day I will meet another person that had a severe reaction to sea lice and we will bond. I came across a photo of us from the book of faces that I allow myself to one-way look so I can have a semblance of similcrum connection. I could see semi-happy. It seems like year one was the last happy/try year. The rest, it was pretty obvious from year one - we were not compatible but I had THOUGHT he had a lot of love for me and the maxim's "marry someone who loves you more than you love them" sang in my head like a dirge. Who am I kidding, this place I am back to - this asylum I chose - I can not even begin to romanticize it: it was seven years of penance and dirge. After losing Mark, I knew if I lost him, what have you. exile. It was a numb mediocrity where I sustained myself and drank a lot and when pot got legal, it was as if I was manifesting crutches. Then I tried relationships again, and I crashed harder than the zeppelin. Andrew caught me in a rebound from someone who eventually tried polyamory. I later learned from Andrew's first wife that he had wanted to try an open marriage - egads.
to this enlightened day, I can't imagine "sure go fuck Gisele and then come and tell me about it". that was the way the one before Andrew played.
but what did Andrew think of Kristen ? who the fuck nuts did he think she portrayed? he certainly showered her with adulation - even towards what we now know as "the end year" last year "I love you" and the day before he locked her up - when the kids had left (would she still be married if it weren't the kids' weekend?) tacos and beer and murder mystery.
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"YOU ARE FUCKING CRAZY. SNAP OUT OF IT. BAD GIRL"
yeah, I said them. you weren't there. she was out of her fucking mind. All weekend and even before she had been acting super weird, and I don't think it could be from a jellyfish sting or what she told me about her dad - which was something that was really tragic sure. She still showed up to school, but called in sick to work. She took all those walks and was being so dramatic when she drank water and sunned herself on the deck. I was getting pretty annoyed every time I bothered to look up. She was just looking terrible. Her face was all scabby and her right eye was swollen shut and her chin looked black and blue like a punch but with scabs on it. I stayed out of her way after asking if I could do anything. She rudely just muttered 'I don't know' and whatever. So I fended for myself and ordered the dinners. She didn't want anything - said it hurt to eat. Maybe she'd lose some weight at least. She had been acting so weird since coming back from her Charleston trip. She was always splashing her face or groaning. It was so annoying. She got pissed at him one night for not being nurse nightingale and dude if she could walk two miles down the trail next to our house, she could take herself to the doctor. I don't know what her deal is. She keeps saying "it hurts to type. I have blisters everywhere", and it was gross to look at her honestly, and when she showed me the bynadryl cream I got her and how it foamed up into rice granules, I just told her "it's all those baths your are taking. this is probably a reaction to a jellyfish"... and the kids were in the living room, so we just continued to watch 'death in paradise' while she ranted something about Jesus and Mary. it turns out, she thought she was possessed I guess that's how she dealt with it. I don't give a fuck. I called everyone to remove this piece of crazy shit wife I got saddled with. no wonder she's such a fucking pain, she's batshit. She came to me with her hair pulled out and asked me to help clean the bathroom and translate the Hail Mary prayer into German. something about hoping it wasn't contagious and some bullshit about wondering if I got it. I was done. It was my Sunday too, and we have a maid, but I helped her with this bullshit. I had taken one of my gummies and was ready to fucking relax. But she kept wanting me to clean. Then she said that I was acting like a demon. I debated with her what that meant and said I was definitely controlling some base impulses so fuck her with that assumption. She wanted me to scrub the sink and the floor, and I was getting claustrophobic and she was acting weird - saying stuff about I'm acting like a demon blah blah blah . I was ready to get out, but the bitch would not let me. Eventually, I had to use force. I grabbed that slippery bitch let the demon out a little bit and fucking spanked her bare ass and showed her who the boss was, then I flipped her over and slapped the shit out of her face. She kept coming at me going I was possessed and had to get them out of me maybe they had gone from her to me. What the fuck ever bitch. I knocked her to the ground again when she came at me with this lice bullshit. She kept asking ME to apologize when SHE was acting like the crazy cunt. So, I told her quite clearly to get the fuck away from me. She said "you'll have to kill me to get me to stop trying to get you back." fuck her. I wish she'd died. but she was nuts and got the worst fucking deal, and now I can just pretend she never existed.
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