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Gott im Himmel auf die deutsche sagen
(my fave is that rich's program auto capitalizes German spell-checked nouns - impressive, yet I'm someone who often likes to e.e. Cummings) ... and I'm lazy and rarely backspace.
The birds are singing their bird heads off, and I anthromorpholigize madly.
Taking the pills, and numbing the ills.
theoretically and hopefully.
and then death my kids.
I could be dead by the time you read this - hopefully 2200 humans can delve backwards into inter webs (none of us are granted the next five seconds).
that pauses me.
I could have been a girlfriend wannabe to the lead singer of rodeo boy.
(and I still can't believe I have two legal joints that I purchased in my home state - as sure as I am that it interests me that it's still like chocolate - if you're in my house (unless your dark and waxy) I'm going to consume you...
but to be the driver,
even if it wasn't your fault.
is to have a special pain.
and I'm very eager to have the loophole closed. Part of why I moved here is to meditate. God knows I don't need another way to exhale my funds.
The leaves fall here yellow and small are the first. and not joking about the birds. it keeps me sane ... and always have to remind myself - even did it last night.
(that dream I told you about - the black girls in the front seat the white military man leading me in and closing the back - it used to make me go on an auto walk even thinking about it - any time...)
and edith being there - it breaks my heart again
again.
so he must be
so much compassion to you James.
I don't know many James, but it's Kent's secret name - and I love gemini Jaimie.
the orange cat next door is on the front porch. It's hilarious. they are so scairt of me.
(when will the claustrophobia of this all set in...)
Like my grandmother, I love watching the cardinals.
I think of what my grandmother's life had been like - driving and the church were her things.
there are buds on the camellia bush outside my window. THAT will be fun.
And my fun consists of writing and reading. I confine myself when I partake of the A because I'm already skittish enough about driving - so any endeavor would be an uber, and I'm not against a vacation, yet still not settled yet. I don't think I've had a drink in - gasp - well since I drank the wine that was leftover from my sister and mom's visit - like chocolate weed wine....
today, I contemplated a television.
It felt wrong to book a trip to Wilmington, but I made steps to do so there.
and, I can't wait to be judged by the books I kept and the books I jettisoned.
Last evening - feeling that - and it's the worst of my feelings - that yawning agoraphobia of stepping out or what the yawning gap of my life will be - yet boundaries boundaries.
I'm sure the pills help.
and Rose and the tech genius texted me a kind "hello". It warmed my heart. Then, I surfed, dove back into Jamie and Claire's life...
and loving those to whom - like an actress - you've been so true and beautiful with they will never leave your heart.
Sometimes, if I think of everyone's perspective, framework, motivation it can cause me to freeze up.
I want to go to the ocmulgee brew pub and the Indian mounds yet for both I'm grounded.
It is my 21st day here.
the times are in different parts of the house PT and ET. it's sort of maddening, yet oh well. I've dressed myself for the day. I'm in my "you are here" t-shirt from mark - it must be 20+ years old. My "have a good day" underwear I bought for Andrew and I. and my good bra by dora Larsen.
but at this point, I'd need an uber, and I'm loathe to spend that sort of cash. Let me ponder.
"... man got to wonder why why why"
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