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many could argue that my life was a shitshow prior, yet for me the thought of Wilmington and leaving it fucked me up so much that I still don't feel home. many remember my inauspicious meeting of this town. I thought it sucked. Then, I discovered downtown and fell head over heels. I sometimes if I believe in reincarnation might imagine I had lived there before. It's literally the only place in my life where I ever felt loved.
Today, the outside air smells like walking by the Tate center in Athens. It's a distinctive smell, but I won't be able to describe it to you - maybe like unsweet butterscotch.
You can't go home again. Before Wilmington, Athens had been my favorite place because it was the first place I got to practice being me. To my shame, I always had a dude to scaffold me - to externally validate me. If they thought I was worthy and hot - voila! juice.
Today, I woke up noticing that a big goal of mine is just to try and not bother anyone. It makes me weep to write that to you and know it's true. What kind of a life is that? you're either invisible or a maniac? you work so so so so so hard to be someone worthy of love - and then you fuck the fuck out of it when you're stressed.
So leaving Wilmington, was a big ole stress for me. I had tried to think that LA was going to be an epic opportunity - that I could "get discovered" or "do something interesting". I don't really remember much about anything of it except that I wonder if I knew that I would never ever be back again. I tried to visit every place I loved a million times. Of course, I went fucking psycho nuts leaving and then dumped myself on a city I knew one person - the person who I crushed with my crazy. I'm not great at meeting people. I died pretty much the day I left.
I still think of that pond, those stray cats, that world....
all.
the.
fucking.
time.
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