|
The sun came up as it always did when you were alive on planet earth.
some would say the star stood still while you came up on it.
She instead watched an orange cat lick water up from a heart-shaped bowl.
and she remembered this sort of risk - this danger.
She had left it all on the floor of ourspace anyhoo.
It had been a long long time since she had thought of those words - of that poem:
"since feeling is first..." and something about god the beat of your lashes thrills me because I'm next to you and. you're my lady.
to be wanted and in that cocoon.
she had thought it just some incorrect vestige from her broken past. She of course did not believe she had ever been
in love
she now thought it must have all been
shit sandwich sort of
submarine love mimicry.
mimi stop crying
she remembered too that she worded it up - talked around it - beat around her bush to pin that butterfly to her chest.
(cleaning things is very often killing things)
She became the usual obsessed with the new possibility while holding a literal macon bacon baseball in her right hand. it was all spider web nebulous, but twas
not nothing
and that surprised her greatly. someone to actually be engaged with - someone who elicited X - interest.
Besides that, Athens. It would be remiss of her not to tell of that sweat-soaked Athens Greece t-shirt morning pilgrimage to all the old haunts. She could almost have gotten there without it, but she looked it up on the map and honed in on all her old paths and just broke down and is still breaking down.
she understood now why the MGMT kids pre-video landed so hard to her. Why she took a rare photo but a panoramic of the reed quad. she had been born here. she had been upheld by external masculine love and like a Venus from the sperm she arose from out of her shell and
she got her picture taken with the Athena statue wearing the Athens shirt on Thomas street in front of an expensive shrine to the lost art of journalism . It was heady.
The only thing that mattered
the only thing as she turned left on Mitchell street was the tree. She recognized it. She remembered that townie summer where she came back from eating a slice of pizza and drinking two beers and the bees were buzzing and maybe it was early summer and the buds were out and she was crossing the train tracks headed home to be completely enveloped in love and camaraderie.
the orange cat wants her to sit on the sofa and commence their daily cuddle time, but narcissi still wants to drink from the mirror.
when she passed the tree and dared to look - it wasn't as bad as it might have been. All of Nellie's houses were gone (who can't remember her on that riding lawn mower at 80 years old smoking a cigarette going to town on her zest) of course, and in their place were modern ones. She quickly turned around and let instinct take her. Blisters were forming and she was a bit shocked as these shoes had uncomplainingly traipsed IRL, yet oh well. Perhaps it was also a stations of the cross.
she headed like a beacon straight where they had been last night but in the hot hot muggy son (even macon wasn't so morning blazing). Except this time, she went all the way. She was alone. She hadn't encountered a soul that morning except the egg burrito dealer at the hotel. He has commented on her shirt.
"that's an unusual shirt to wear in Athens. an Athens Greece one."
"yeah, but if you had it, wouldn't you wear it?"
"oh yeah. of course I would. If I had an Athene Greece t-shirt, I would definitely wear it."
and hers was a ringer tee so even cooler, but
it was actually kind of schvitz-inducing. Still she plodded.
Seeing the quad
it was like touching physics. She didn't have the balls to go all the way up to the door, but she for sure got a better foto of it and she didn't forget you milledge? hall - her fave architecture. It almost makes her nauseous to even recall it all - it must be like time travel - you get seasick a bit when you see your other selves. For her, she trudged on.
"Hello Milledge hall. you were important to me too."
She'll always remember that step aerobic class within such beauty.
"are you eating? are you sleeping? no ? well HOLD THOSE TUMMIES IN."
she had not remembered at all how close the stadium was to her Dorm but the extra layer on top made it way more looming. She went there because that's where the magic happened.
someone who she had no idea she loved stopped her and said something vulnerable to her that affected her entire life. Merely because she cracked the merest of budded openings in just thinking.
"if feeling is first... I swear on your eyelashes..."
She never could find the cemetery, yet it was hot and she didn't think it was the finals.
---
Later, she listened to an obscure vic chesnutt album at 3am and thought how crazy she was. How bizarre it was that these patterns resurface every time x equals y.
It made you wonder.
The orange chat clumsily chases a bluebird. She's glad he missed of course. They had earlier seen a hummingbird - that's what got him through the window.
out.
The downtown was a disaster almost and the only thing that didn't maybe freak her out was the Globe - it did feel really Irish British.
The best weirdest part had been walking under the half-moon to smiling waving campus police and one lone bench sitting student.
On her way out, she snapped a foto as she was driving past her mother's old dorm.
"... crazy for crying. crazy for trying..."
The best thing to do must to always be to walk.
She still couldn't believe how almost unfamiliar the downtown was. She took a foto of the underground. she passed a bar near the globe where she first discovered the drink they all called "the Hollywood".
He said people didn't realize how serious she was when she said things.
It kind of shocked her fiber the little zing that he was offering a shard of reflection.
"oh, I think it's the opposite. I get that a lot. I can be very deadpan and deliver a joke that people think I'm being serious. but shit, what am I saying you're right in a way - there are no jokes."
"oh, I'm right am I?"
"isn't that a lovely feeling but ultimately not the be-all end all."
She wanted to be in the place where she wanted someone to read all the intimate thoughts and feelings she put down to paper as mundane and unprofound as the documented self.
None of the photos turned out, but she was so scared and vibed up about the whole pilgrimage that she didn't really take that many. only ones that would mean anything and the selfie with Athena or the stadium? she had deemed those "too old" looking.
That's what she was though.
Lucky her.
and people might think Rockville was home or Athens - but it was the easy money no soul choice.
ah that word coming up.
she sat at the pinnacle of all her choices.
and she was an animal
and the WISEST people only worry about making perfect tea not saving the world....
"I'm not there yet. I still think about the puppies, the prisons, the extraction of lion's sperm, meat is murder and all that...."
she didn't know how to end it so would just
pause
|
