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everyone loves a good 11:11 siting and today of all days huzzah.
she was writing in the pain of knowing she had shown a challenging part of herself to someone she hoped would still stay even though she wasn't sure if he was ever there.
Narcissi was thinking of calling in sick. There was still time - and it might get her off the hook for the command performance tomorrow.
More importantly, she was drinking shroom tea and trying to find a way to break through the self-abnegation and just fucking love herself.
"You're scaring me."
It melted her. She felt like the monster. and perhaps that was apt. he hadn't wanted to lose a modicum of control around her, yet had done a rare "it's not a no" that tempted her with visions of blissful mutual wall-reprieve. Alas no. Although he did sleep late, when she came back from breakfast with Karen, he had become a firm 'no'. this was probably the nail in her ego coffin. She wanted to knock her walls off and had for a year. This was her day.
Alas, it was her day. "I'm going to microdose. I just want to let you know in case."
"oh shit."
"I know."
They went to the kite festival on Kure beach.
Why had she always said they were going to be breaking up after ILM? but she always said they were breaking up. She could never believe that this man could want her. She had never shown all of herself, and she came off as so cool girl fake, and kissy-assy, and perhaps a little too obviously in love.
He seemed to be OK with it and drive hours to share time with her.
Oh fuck no that was not enough. Narcissi got drunk on whiskey, high on drug store weed, and it was a little more than micro-dosing.
"I'm not going to hurt you, but I might poke you a lot..."
"I know. that's scary."
She ended up sleeping in the other bedroom and feeling sorry for the laundry. Upon waking up in the middle of the night, she was confused why she was there and moved to be by his side - where she had gravitated the entire time.
He didn't back away from all her touch but at the break of day, he got up and immediately left - made coffee and cleaned the dishes. She was in shock - knowing she had destroyed something but not sure what. She knew her eyes were puffy from weeping. "He doesn't like you."
She had money-no-objected the entire trip - gambling her entire savings on this venture.
The night before, she had talked too much of course and he said she was annoying him. that spiraled her too... she had wanted so very much to be off the eggshells and into the goo eyed comfort of mutual infatuation. Instead, he never gave her words.
And it had been something she was OK with because it meant she could have him. Words and questions drove him away - keeping it light and breezy kept him in her orbit. She so badly wanted him in her orbit, but this day - the weather went from hot to hail cold. She sang off the balcony to her headphones. She danced by herself. She bothered him half the times she went to get whiskey refills. She walked to buy a pizza and screamed silently inside her head, "he does not like you."
She read the text when she got back home she had sent him the night before "I hear you don't want me in the same bed with you. whatever I'll sleep in the other room."
As if it was a whatever. She wanted to be fucking chased.
Of course.
He had said he wanted t-shirts. She bought him three - only one he liked - the one from myrtle beach. It pleased her when he wore it.
They did everything she wanted to except maybe ironclad and savorez. so many times she said "isn't this better than macon."
But then of course - the last night - she showed her ass as was being explained. She wept in the clawfoot bathtub as she took her last bath - and she took it quickly. She knew he was done with her. It was done. She wept. She regretted he had to be stuck in a car with her for six hours, but she was so grateful as it would be the last time she ever got to spend with her. They didn't speak for 90% of it - making it the most awkward. She wept silently for four hours cumulative. Finally at 1 hour and 23 minutes to go, she turned the radio down.
"Look, I'm sorry to make you say this out loud, but we're done right? that behavior can't be excused."
"Not necessarily, but we're not talking about it in the car. I need to focus. We need to discuss it, but not here."
She clung to the "not a yes" but was scared.
"You can spend the night if you want to."
She looked at him like of course you don't want me - you feel sorry for me for some reason - but this was a surprise to her. She had already said on the way there "and I'll just leave from your house - I'm sorry you even have to be with me. I thought of if I could just get a rental car, but it won't work."
as she was cleaning up the puzzle, when they were not talking and getting ready to go, "I'm sorry. I know you don't care." he responded in his soft voice "I care." and upstairs - he stopped her and kissed her. She felt it was goodbye when she probably should have fucked him.
She ended up driving home in the windy first freeze.
"are you calling me tonight? I'm about to go to bed."
"not tonight. I'm sleepy too."
limbo
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