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She had to pass the candle he had given her with his head on it like a buddha. Not only had he given her his mother's death flowers, he had also given her the wrap gift from his last commercial shoot saying "I don't like pictures of myself."
This was back when she was a new fresh penny waiting to be spent. Now, she was certainly spent. She didn't even judge too harshly going to bed when it got dark - whatever it took to get one through the night when rejection has reared its familiar head.
She imagined him working the connections he had and also trying to flirt with new ones. She suspected that he was too cool to ghost her, so instead she was in the slow fade. Ouch. It felt better just to fucking say it, "I'm done with you you crazy fucking cunt." - but, how hilarious it would have been if she had ever gotten a direct statement from him. Instead, she had to read all the tea leaves while wearing her wearable blanket and drinking bulk tea with her tea ball.
It was going to be shit birthday, but she'd try to make the best of it. The only thing she could think to do was to take herself out on a date and try to fall in love with herself.
His balls were always in her field of vision. He was too cool to ghost her. She was too cool to put away the reminders that he had been interested. Maybe all of his quasi-relationships cooled off after four months. She had no fucking idea because when she asked him she was usually so drunk to get the courage up that she forgot the answers he gave. The only thing she recalls is that when she was in the Wilmington frenzy she said something like "I bet everyone dumps you because they're so frustrated wondering when you'll ever let them in the fucking courtyard - much less the castle. She thinks he had nodded.
"you scare me."
It was not said in a good way. Many people like horror movies but not these two. It was kind of funny on the most awkward ride back ever - six bleeding hours - that he almost couldn't resist just talking to anyone and she was there.
"So, I think you should watch goodfellas, yesterday, and black hawk down" or whatever the movies were. She could not be bothered to really remember them because she was in the throes of "oh my fucking god. what the fuck fuck did I fucking do." Instead she answered sarcastically "yay - something to live for."
She looked at the pressed daisy to the left of her and wondered if she could love it when he ends up not calling her or texting her for days. She supposed with him, she would have to figure it out as always. And she mother fucking HAD to come up with the supposition that if it was meant to be, she couldn't ruin it.
She had allowed two people to know that she had gone nuts, and he dumped her for it: Kent and aunt Linda. Neither of them castigated her nearly as much as she had thought, but what do you say to a heartbroken person: you fucking idiot - why are you so....too much.
Nope, one has to be kind. This time last week, she was waking up and deciding where to take them for breakfast. She chose the Dixie Grill. It was awesome. She loved her omelet, and she loved her dining companion. They went to Wrightsville beach afterwards and played football and frisbee. She was vastly better than him at frisbee, and this pleased her although he revealed he had thrown his arm out during his days playing football. She hadn't even known he had played the sport so filed that away as new information about the cryptic man she would love for the foreseeable future.
The only contact he had given her was thumbs-upping when she apologized for trouncing over his boundaries but had had trouble shifting into light and breezy when her life was on the line. She hopes you'll forgive her Telyn, but she used you as a gambit as well.
"you once asked me if anyone's death had ever affected me while I was young. Here is the person I was talking about. Whenever I feel sorry for myself for showing my ass to people I really really like, this photo reminds me she doesn't even have the luxury to have someone dump her". he didn't respond to that, but he responded to the Big Theif playlist she had already sent him saying "deep dive" when she didn't even know what that meant. All she had cared about was that he had written her!
Now, in the beautiful morning sunrise of day, she recognizes he could be just done.
One never knows until it turns into more and more silence - then an end.
She brewed some more tea and fed the orange cat more nutritional yeast as it sat on the paper plate perfectly. The kid across the street had sold her a $16 poinsettia yesterday, and he had said "yes ma'am" so many times it was almost comical.
"the people across the street won't let us come on their property anymore because we told them about the Bible, but it's OK because they had to tell their parents what we said, so that spread the news."
She smiled, and encouraged him to go to all the other houses when he asked if she knew anyone else who would buy some.
"look kid, I'm only hanging on with sleep and tequila I bought for the man who is dumping me from me wondering if he would ever say out loud that he wants me. We've all got something."
Everybody's got something.
She had leftover Indian food in the fridge and tea to drink.
And waiting for silence to lengthen into death of an undefined possibility.
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