|
The other piece was so lame, I could have just tacked on to that one. I'm so heavy, and my mask is so very tawdry. It doesn't matter that I lost you. It was just some timekiller anyway I suppose. It killed time in the best way. I got to have a man shield at the end - for the hardest thing - going to see my family. That was nice. And then I got to look like the failure at choosing/keeping a man is. That was familiar.
I don't want to be able to have shields and masks anymore. I don't believe in partnership for me - well not right now. I'm going to have to do stuff like mantras and meditation and yoga - or god knows what else - prayer perhaps?
Yes, I've done them all before of course of course but
what else
it's terrible to feel like the only way you can be yourself is loaded up on drugs or all alone without any prying judging eyes.
it's quite lonely and terrifying.
I write in my other diary a lot - like "whoa, is this what turning into a full-fledged alcoholic is like?"
I remember being like this only one other time and that was towards the end of my marriage - before I even knew it would end.
I talk about that marriage a lot, and it confuses me. Usually, it's marriage number one that sketches out my brigadoon and lost lost lost lost lost lost lost hope.
The second marriage found me a shell. I was a shell. And like I knew the Leon thing would end in the first night - the second marriage, I knew it should never have started - I knew I would not be able to do it. It reminds me often of the two cats - well really the orange one - that I care for now. I don't really love them. I like that Orangie cuddles. I enjoy the attention, but if someone could take them all off my hands, it would make me so happy. Would it? Happiness is a bit lofty. It would make me feel unburdened. The marriage? I had a friend reflect back to me the other day, "you always sad you didn't love him, but you didn't want to go back on the dating market and he loved you enough for both of you". That kind of makes me bitter laugh now. I knew from the first night - nope to that one. But continue I did. I kept taking the kibble. I felt safe and protected in the role.
no doubts there
but wearing that mask was like
really hard.
I often mock him and think what a fool he was and how dull. What is more accurate is that I used him. I was not a good match, and I allowed him to spin his fantasy.
Wow, that's interesting as it feels sort of like what I just came out of - except I was the Andrew. Ah life.
what a merry go round.
Why am I even writing you again? what more could I possibly say - all the millions of driveling words. You regulate me though - in technical terms. It's kind of like - oh how pathetic to admit - talking to a friend who just lets me be and doesn't judge me.
I get to be the judge.
You're the god.
the kind god.
I've got my shoes on. new balance burgundy.
I've got the pants I've worn for maybe 58 days in a row. I'll go on a walk and not judge myself that all my sentences start with "I" - oh wait too late.
The bed will be made as the piebald cat named cleo has decided to go outside. I'll join her and take a spin around the ole neighborhood and breathe nature air.
I'm not good for work. I'm so
mother
fucking
depressed and
heavy
but I'll do it.
maybe eventually I'll even wash my hair.
oh don't get tooo ambitious.
I spin around it all the time, and regret so many things
but boy were you different
Leon.
god am I sick of thinking about you. sick of regretting you. sick of beating myself up for ruining shit by being some
dork ass
but but but but but but but
I tried.
I have so many excuses. I can line them up like tin soldiers on a bedspread made of a battlefield.
the main one is
I didn't have the courage to be an absolute nobody
and that's a line
I stole from Salinger.
The actual truth is that I don't know how to feel worthy unless there's someone who loves me - someone who defines me by being "the mate". I come by it honestly. My family's women have never not had a mate for longer than maybe a month? usually they have one before they leave the other one. I'm the only one who is alone, and I don't do it all that well.
My eyelids are so heavy like my mood and my soul. I can barely move. What a luxury to be able to think. I know this. It doesn't make me ... oy vey. I get bored with my own "why can I never grab the tiger by the tail" crap. But why can't I? what's wrong with me? I misjudged. I went all in and now have such the price to pay. the usual. but it's been so long.
I'll reset myself today and try to control my body. I know I can do it. It's just so much easier to stuff it stuff it stuff it.
one day I'll forget you
but I can't imagine that day.
you're right. I won't forget you. One day, I won't want you.
that will be something.
today, it's unimaginable.
I want to be in a huge bed with a bathtub that has never-ending hot water and a fireplace nearby with a roaring fire as we say goodbye to winter - never to each other - and I talk about how nice it is to be real and take those paper-mache itchy facades off and I caress your gorgeous smooth pink freckled skin and kiss every centimeter of you with my gentle tongue and know that when I get to the lips, you'll open them to me and we'll connect.
After we're sated, I'll call and get an oil change appointment for my car. I love mixing the mundane and the ecclesiastic with you. Or rather, I would have loved trying. You were my favorite in so long, and god knows I've told you enough. May I stop chasing please. May I be found.
god help me.
it's cold as shit and winter still abides.
I saw the fluffy tan kitty that I call "old man" far far away when I was on my walk. I've never seen him that far before. It makes me so angry at the new interloper who is so loud with the big balls.
I'll bawl big.
Wanna walk?
I'll bring the puns.
|
