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Here Spring was.
huzzah she guessed. huzzah.
She had once dated a Persian man so she also new it was Nowruz - which she liked to think meant New Rose - for the New Year.
Rumi had written some killer love lines. ("be drunk with love, for love is all that exists.")
She wondered what He - Leon - was doing - like she almost always did.
He probably was lording it up over some productive meeting on how to sell some trucks for in Ford We Trust.
she found it boring of course, but she had loved his passion for it.
This morning, she had awoken on the flower sprigged sheets she had placed there for her aunt's arrival that never came. They were microfiber, and her scratchy feet always caught on them until the blessed sleep overtook her. Last night, she had even slept through it all. She would say it was glorious; however
she
was
depressed
like a woman who was dead.
She should...
do so many things
but instead, she just thought a lot and thought about the same things over and over. Today was a tiny bit different because she loved a good holiday
a good event
The first day of Spring would do, and she remembers one in the 90s - a day that broke her mind - the day after she had kissed a man who wasn't her husband and known it was
all going to
be
done
In retrospect, she could have just had a discreet affair, but she had been a true romantic - thinking "fuck, if I feel this - it must be real and it must be respected."
What a fucking fool
she has always been
the main thing she likes to recall about it is that there had been a film festival that her husband had founded. She had been invited on his VIP pass since he was gone to LA to make it big. She had seen her first ghost on the way to the opening party. It had been at a bar that the cocaine comedians had founded, and it was all fun.
She has written this a billion times before, but it was rare that she did it now that she was in her old fifties.
He had been the first avoidant attached man she had met, but she hadn't known what it was then. She had just known the results. But of course, they adore you at first.
She never looks at the pixies' song "hey" again after that encounter. She had seen him talking to a future cheater that she knew and went up to him amazed. He had been her lab partner in school when she had tried to go back to be a middle school teacher -
dreams.
she had dreamt about him. She had dreamt she was making love to him, and she never had those sorts of dreams. It had startled her.
Seeing him nine months later at the Soap Box,
well, she had to go talk to him.
She did. She asked how he knew the future cheater. They played basketball together in the same neighborhood. Narcissi loved basketball as we all know.
Then, they separated themselves as all future lovers do and talked until the bar shut down.
He walked her home after she had said "I'm married, and I will never cheat on my husband, but I want to show you my world. I have cared about my home, and I don't really show it to many people. How surprising that you're in my life now". She didn't show herself to many people.
The thing she remembers about their conversation was that it flowed. It was like being on fire in a good way. The only topic she remembers is string theory.
"Hey!"
"I bet you don't know what song I'm thinking of."
"I bet I do. What would you do if I did?"
"I would freak out. It's been too weird already all of this."
They were by the cape fear river. parallel to it.
She took him home.
They continued talking. It was the last day of winter.
She kissed him, "I don't want you to be the person that kisses me and ruins it. I want to take responsibility for my feelings. I kissed you first."
They parted without having sex. Without exchanging phone numbers. In those days, no one had mobile phones.
Her life had changed. She had a koi pond her first love had made for her in the backyard. Frogs were singing in it.
The next day was Spring, and she remembers that it was like magic. There had been no pollen, and then it was all full of pollen.
She called her husband and told him that she was going to be hibernating for a while and they she was taking a break.
She went insane of course. As you do when you're about to ruin your life for someone
who can't handle you.
but she thought she was being ethical, and she thought she had a future. Her main thing had been "I can't feel this way about someone and be married to someone else. That's cruel."
She knew jack shit about cruel, but she would learn.
Spring always reminds her.
He loved her, but it didn't work.
he
ran to make his blown glass jellyfish or balance equations for fun.
She understood, but it still murdered her life. (and her husband's)
Years later, she came back to town after divorcing in LA and ran into him.
It didn't work, but he said he loved her.
she guessed that was some sort of victory, but it
was
very
hallow.
Today, she was someone else, but also the same - and she recognized that Leon was like Brian - all talk. No jump.
but so much older.
Both of us.
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