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She was going to have to buy some poison to kill a wasp's nest soon and the robot told her the wasps get really pissed so she would have to do it at night.
She didn't like killing things, but she paid other people to kill on her behalf, and it didn't seem to bother her.
Yesterday, she had figured out the reason - or a trigger - for her claustrophobia depression panic attack - it was feeling into the past and knowing you were there, but it's all dead to you now. It's probably hard to explain.
And Orangie was sick again, and she realized she really was responsible for this. It annoyed her, but still getting her period annoyed her - dealing with what is.
The anesthesia was wearing off. She had felt him today and yesterday and cried again. She had thought that was done, but fuck - maybe he was representational of
grasping what was lost.
she had texted him yesterday. she didn't know why - what loophole allowed her to chase when she knows she shouldn't. she detests being told what she should do.
---
After four months of mourning, she finally allowed herself
escape
she called it
fun
even that, it was hard. it was complicated. She got annoyed at the contrasts, yet it was all she currently had that took away the pain. She would keep swallowing.
She had the hardest time letting him in though - such a contrast from Leon - who she just absorbed into rare precious object to not lose. She went back to the place she was before. He already knew everything, but she didn't want to open the real wall. In other words, she didn't feel comfortable being herself around him - she still had to perform "cool girl" or "wise woman" or "flakey hippy" whatever the role.
She wanted most of all not to ever perform.
The path to that would be either sustained practice or a feeling of safety.
That hornet nest was guarded by a huge queen. When she got back from her short walk around the tiny block, she was joined by another wasp.
It hadn't rained in forever.
Being clear was harder.
She missed him still, and she knew she shouldn't but fucking try stopping it. She had for months and months.
He was no king.
he was no god.
he was no superman, he was simply the one who made her feel.
She'd try to be someone who could be alone. She laughed as there didn't seem to be much choice, yet she wasn't happy about it.
not at all.
She wondered if she could kill the nest herself. She had to before it got out of hand.
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