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"if I don't explain what you aught to know, you can tell me all about it at the next bardo. I'm sinking in the quicksand of my thoughts."
where are you.
not here.
probably alive.
what did you think of me?
you made my metachlorons hum, but you know all that. I
was not coy.
I was not cool.
I loved you. I was ready to love you.
using words from men. using a website built by a man. using it all.
"when the socket's not a shock enough. you little child what makes you think you're tough. when all the people you think you're above, they all know what's the matter."
today is the anniversary of our first date.
it lasted five hours.
when we kissed at the end of the night, it was because I moved towards you.
It was fun when we recreated it one night on perhaps our third or fourth date - when the possibility was like stem cells.
now, I wander alone with cellulite jiggling arms hoping that I might be able to pretend that everything is ok and that I'm not that upset and that you weren't that special. everyone just is so perplexed that I love you - all those that met you... and it confuses me. you were a gift to me. you tickled my very soul... fuck that sounds stupid. you turned me on. this time, one revolution ago, I was waiting for you to come through fire and trains to meet me cool and un-sweaty in Athens Georgia as nervous as a doe.
and now.
and now
and now
and now
fuck
I'll play all the songs as many times as I want. I'll research ancient Sumer. I'll scream. I'll cry. I'll do whatever it takes to get through a day that no one but me cares about - the day I met you.
"oh, I recognize you by the hair. Do I look like my photo?"
"hello"
and it was all for nothing. what did I learn? that beauty existed - beauty I can't touch. beauty that will never caress my skin.
I loved you.
I still love you. I'm trying so hard to numb it all. numb it awl. numb it.
I hear Taylor swift might get married today. she broke up with that cool guy from Harriet the same time I divorced number two. she went girl. she found him. I found dirt.
I ate dirt.
I face planted. I ate crow.
you were worth it. I guess. I mean, I had not choice but to try.
the room still smells of pee from cats I don't want but here I am.
no one is tapping the glass.
I don't want them to.
"maybe if I leave you'll want me to come back..."
and you didn't. I'm not sure, but I must assume that you didn't see something you wanted to try with ... in me.
and now "at least that's what you said" by wilco is on the radio I DJ myself, and I stomp my foot to the dirge and remember how when I was first exiled here in this weird strange town of my birth terrified of everything, I would play this song and 'metal heart' and feel like someone understood.
no one I would ever meet, but someone.
now I sob because I loved you and you didn't love me.
it doesn't matter to anyone on the planet, but I'm here. I exist. I weep. I yearn. I saw you. I lost you because I wasn't cool enough to go fuck you and now I listen to a song and stomp and dance and drink and never think....
and surrounded by...
not you.
did I matter?
do you even know that today is the day you met me?
I doubt it.
drink.
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