|
her cousin had gotten married yesterday.
her aunt had married them. And it wasn't really her cousin. Her aunt had married her cousin's widower - so it was hard math to do.
kristen woke up before dawn. the birds had been crying outside, but they were false birds. It was 5:20am. oh well.
and the neighbors had a maple tree like the one she had shroomed with in Wilmington the time she had seen a face in the trunk and understood that they were silent witnesses but noticed and were longer lived. The leaves had blanketed the yard like really autumn. she wondered where the pumpkins were.
whatever.
she was fucking devastated.
she had cried all morning.
it was fine. she had met her cousin's beau. they were a good match. they'd been together forever.
but you know what she's going to say.
"where's mine?"
she put socks on her feet.
and wept some more.
pity pity pity.
to be honest, she was weeping now.
and going on the site where she asked for company again - the site where she had met the destroyer of hope - well, that was daunting. she had flashes of building a story from the new pictures, but it always just ashed out.
"It's not my fault!"
"what isn't your fault? that I love you and you don't love me?"
"yes. I'm sorry but it's not my fault. I was lonely and you were all that was around, and you seemed manageably crazy, and I really do like driving my new car. I drive all the time on weekends before you, and I'll drive around after you. so you were wrong to think you were so special."
"oh noel. I was definitely wrong. so there's no hope? you're just waiting until the next bus comes then you're going to leave my station."
"That's so cheesy." he didn't smile.
"well, it's true right? I know you don't owe me anything because you never promised anything with your lips, but can you just for once just give me something - some words. you talk like a manic freak. can you not just say something I can hold on to. do you not realize you're the first man I've loved in decades. this was not just some bullshit to me. I wasn't saying anything about fault. I wanted you to say...anything"
she watched the planet Venus fade as the dawn came and cried some more imagining ghosts talking.
he might have continued, "look. I'm not going to say anything. it's over. if you want me to say something cruel - "
She interrupted him, "gods in Himmel yes! say something cruel. say fucking anything. your goodbye was a fucking hallmark bullshit. say it!!!"
He closed his eyes, "well, I'm not going to say it now. you're crazy."
she started sobbing silently. "ok. thanks for trying. I thought you liked the song. I guess I'll just keep trying to make it all up and see if that ever satisfies me."
"you know you're not a bad writer. you're super repetitive and circular, but kind of compelling in places."
she wiped her eyes and snort laughed through the desolation, "you know what. fuck you."
he smirked, "I understand how you feel, and I wish good things for you."
"I wish you'd just tell me. what did you think about me? did I mean anything?"
He rolled his eyes for the thousandth time. She felt stupid again. but he answered her, "I've already told you. I liked being around you, but then you got too heavy - too weak. I can't have you needing me or expecting me. you've got to have your own life."
she closed her own eyes, "wordle is scuba today."
|
