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Dear M,
Because I'm so fookin' sensitive the first thing I think of when I think of you is how you told me "nobody likes you but they love you". I still smart from that, but it's of course your right to think so and god knows I sit in my piss and shit ridden non-liked-ness.
You're the first note I'm writing because of all people, it might affect you the most. You have twins, so I would imagine you'd always be fantasizing about the good bond of a sister. I'm sorry that I wasn't that for you. I'm sorry that I went crazy and destroyed my life so many times. I'm sorry you had to be there for some of them. I'm sorry for taking your money. Look, obviously, I'm sorry that I was alive, and I'm trying to remedy that now. It's really hard to think of a way to kill yourself even though it feels like it must be done. You'd be the one - since you're rich adjacent and will one day inherit all his dough - that I'd have to mooch off of instead of being homeless. I'd be your uncle bobby. I'm hopefully saving you from that, and in my heart I would hope I would never have done it, but water always goes to the out... I can picture you mocking me behind my back and rolling your eyes at my pitiful state - like an uncle Scott. You deserve your wealth. Of all people, I fucking know that. Your pain or how I perceived it - knocked my whole foundation off towards the end of my life.
You helped save me during that last divorce. You have no idea how troubled I was. I mean I know I spewed a lot, but there was so much more I tried to keep to myself. I don't have very many great memories of us together, but I really enjoyed Paris and very much appreciate you being there and even paying for my flight (although at the time I could have done it myself and considered it your price of admission for inviting yourself on my solo trip).
I wish we could have been closer, and I wish I could have taken the time to write a longer and longer and better note to you. I'm not even sure I know what love is. I'm such a mass of fear and survival, but I would like to think that I love you greatly. Would it surprise you to know that I think you're really cool and SO FUCKING STRONG and so brave. I might even dare to say I like you.
I know you'll forget all about this soon. I mean I was hardly in your life, so my exit isn't going to really be that stupendous, but I think you'll be weirded out by all the suicide that kind of surrounds you. Know that YOU are a survivor. You have overcome it all. I'm sorry I was so weak, but in my way, I think of it - although of course a tad bit prideful - I don't want the shame of holding out my hand or feeling like a fool - as saving you the trouble. I think I've always triggered you into having to remember stuff you don't like to. I mean who fucking would like to remember stuff. I can't seem to forget things properly. You were a perfect sister to me, and no one could have saved me. I'm pretty stubborn and can't see the point of me. I sort of just make people irritated and can't snap out of it properly.
Thank you for everything. You truly were my rock for so much of my life, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that you would have done anything. I just didn't want to be that person to need anything. Wow, how do you end something like this?I mean you never really want to end it, and you always want a miracle to happen. Maybe if I had enough "fuck you" money or had ever found someone to share my life with that was a healthy person, but oh well. thank you for being my sister. I'm sorry I was such a disappointment to you. I truly am. Know that I am so grateful to you and really really like you. Have a great life. You deserve it. When/if you think of me, know that I am now out of my stupid, too-thinly, fucked up head - and hopefully at peace.
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