|
god, you're the weirdest mother.
when I lay down in the saddest of my times, you're who I think of - how much I love you and how grateful I am for you.
finding out it was all a big ole narcissistic lie and that Terry is the real love. I guess I get it. Can't say it didn't hurt. It makes a lot more sense and psychology books say that you've got to concentrate on your marriage first - your kids second. good job!
I picture you being like uncle Scott's mom. you'll be able to compartmentalize this and just say I didn't take my meds (swallowed them this morning but you'll never believe that but I do it because I'll try anything to not feel so lost and ...)
wow, it sounds like I have a lot of resentment towards you, but I know you did the best you could. It would have been hard to stand up to someone who is going to take care of you into your death. I know my father felt the same about his fourth wife.
when I call you weird, I just meant you were hard to read. I always intellectually assumed you loved me, but you only came in after the hardest times. You were never there for me, and I had to learn how to act in order to get any love at all. I think - inside - you probably really loved me, and I know you'll be fine. It's not like I did anything but bitch to you via text and Facebook passive aggressively bemoaning you. I guess that's what you get when you're the last parent around.
I'm truly sorry that I was such a terrible disappointment of a daughter. I hope you enjoyed those few times that I reflected maybe well on you, and I'm really really sorry I couldn't live up to that image. I'm sorry I was so fucked up. I'm sorry I was so sensitive. I'm sorry for fucking existing. It feels like I've done nothing but take up space and trick people and cause them pain.
You tried really really really hard, and I have a life insurance policy that you are the beneficiary of - hopefully it will pay back some of the money you had to shell out on me. Just tell your friends that I died of mental illness. I tried really hard to get through to you and connect. I didn't do it right. You were a wonderful mother and a really cool person. People are so lucky to have you in their lives. I know you tried really hard with me too, but I'm weird and ....
how to end this? no clue, but thank you.
|
