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Left Digestion
by Exley Steward
Thursday, February 12, 2004
Olga is still caught in Felix's pants
page: 2
Henry alludes to the fact that he has overstayed his welcome while sipping his Pina Colada through a glass straw.
"No Henry" retorts Rudolfa "Your company has been quite superb. I hope we can make this arrangement temporarily permanent."
Henry grins wildly, showing a bit more of his gums than anyone would ever want to see. "Then may I assume I can have the apartment?"- "Yes".
Henry gets up to leave but asks if the can use the bathroom before he does. Earlier that afternoon, he had eaten a very large helping of kidneys and livers over brown toast topped with fried onions peppers and gravy, served with a side of Haggis left over from the Christmas party. He washed it down with a pint of bitter beer and crackers with jalapeno dip and Gorgonzola. Thus, his stomach is in a state of turmoil. He needs to release a big beast from his bowels and what better place could there be for this event than the gold leafed bathroom, under the watchful eye of Mia Hamm? Inspiration to defecate can be found in no purer form.
It comes forth stealthily, quickly, smoothly, cleanly: A long missile.
"Good bye Henry."
"Bye Rudolfa. Call me tomorrow."
Henry walks off with a smile of real content on his face. He hops on the R train to the meadows. The man sitting next to him on the train has only one eye. It is the first time Henry has ever seen anyone with only one eye.
The door closes behind Henry and Rudolfa cannot help feeling excited and relieved. To find a room mate of Henry's quality is a blessing from Jah. She is so dizzy with joy that she almost forgets to feed her pet shrortise. Grundy has not eaten in over 12 hours. A shrortise is the result of interbreeding a tortoise and a shrew. Grundy likes to swim and eat seeds really slowly. He finds great joy in dragging his long tail in the mud. As Rudolfa lowers a Slim Jim and some 18-day-old unago sushi into Grundy's lair she feels the sneaky liquid snake edging it's way into her rotund stomach. Those Pina Coladas had gone straight to her head and when her head was full the liquid had seeped into her belly like quicksilver in the gut. Bladder readies to pop.
Rudolfa enters the bathroom and is about to sit down when she looks directly into the bowl. The fecal mass coils upwards along the wall of the bowl for at least nine inches. Its head disappears into the wet black hole. It is so very thick and symmetrically indented, its cracked brown exterior so strong and sleek. It is immense. It cannot be ignored. It is Henry's. Rudolfa stands back and gasps. How could Henry have left his waste so openly unflushed for innocent people to stumble upon? What kind of a man would leave such a sick message with such a straight face? How can she have him as a roommate? It is an impossibility. Her happy mood swept under the rug by a man and his ass, she cannot help the torrent of tears and runs to Grundy for comfort.
As Henry exits the subway platform it hits him. His smile evaporates as he realizes that he has left an unwelcome guest in sweet Rudolfa's pristine porcelain palace. It has happened so many times before. He doesn't mean to do it but continuously commits the same fecal crime. Why, oh why does he always forget to flush? What kind of mechanism regulates this malfunction in standard etiquette?
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