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and the heat turns on in her charity house with no insulation and she thinks and then stops typing, puts her LIII head into her elbow-tabled hands and weeps. some days, it's so very easy to weep. she often blames her hormones and can't believes she still has to go through the cycle after all the missed scions.
Every time you meet.a new human, you meet a universe.
She didn't want the world to end as she knew it. The other night, she didn't feel fine. she awoke or rather couldn't get to sleep in her early evening bedtime because she was thinking of the MGMT 'kids' vid from '08. it kept slaying her - like touching a baby that you held once and gave up for adoption when you were mad and young.
like watching it over and over, and she had to move forward in this new garden. there was no logic in pretending Wilmington - and that hurt a great deal. When she left, the only reason she could leave it was because she had told herself "we'll get this money - we'll tow this road. we'll repair what's broken, and I'll be back in a jiffy."
"when did you leave Wilmington on that fateful day?"
"I'm so shit with years. I only have markers that I can put in it - I know that on my first wedding anniversary - the leap year day of 2004 of February - I was in desert hot springs with my husband of course - and ...I digress - so I think maybe I left Wilmington in august/sept of 2003?... it is one of my more painful memories. I was insane like under a spell, oh well."
"back to earth."
"if we must."
"they say you chose this."
"THEM."
"oh THEY"
There's a bird outside of her window that has a nest next to a berried bush. she loves that shit. the man that she met on March 1st was the first human she had gone on a date with in 11 years besides #2. She wasn't sure as she always thought "what about frank" but ok - what about him? does it count that you take lsd with a lawyer and a therapist and the therapist leaves. the lawyer and the secret keeper do not even kiss but they both admit that they are so starved for touch that they'd love a cuddled sleep. She would have totally slept with him because she's working on having boundaries with her body even though she's so old. She was neither relieved nor offput when he refused her consent. Later, her heart was - ego was - totally shattered but it was it - that was that - nada nothing.
It took a bunch out of her to socialize. it feels like a muscle untapped. she slept so well, and she realizes she loves her solitude - just good fucking god not so much choiceless monotony.
And with the world. it was weird to talk of it sometimes as it was such a bratty intrusive thing. Perhaps that's why the 2008 video is so motherfucking precious to her - not only does it pin-drop with perfect accuracy the feeling of college adult practice - it also contrasts vividly the rubicon crossed.
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