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the most attractive thing about the latest distraction was that he was from Athens and it would be feasible to use him for an excuse to see the ole stomping grounds. he also looked a little bit like an aging goth kid. I liked his glasses game - screaming the nerd. Usually, I'm a nerd babe. I suppose my looks can no longer pass the tests they used to ace. It's here this thing I knew about for forever and fifty five days: crone. Some ladies still seem pretty gorgeous at my age, yet for me - there's some mourning... some adjusting. Like my mother told me, when I look back at photos now that I thought were horrible... I still look ... whatever, I was a pretty photographed person. I appreciated the appreciation.
today is Friday and it's Rachael's birthday and how that all conjures memory and desire. Yet, a kind thing about the date seven days ago - the first one in 11 years - it was done. the whole thing was a crapshoot. the time before, I had never had such an ego booster in my life as tinder - can you imagine - me hot hypomanic and photogenic. It was a lot of fun. I guess you could say I met my second husband on the dating apps. I had used him to get over a charismatic douchelord.
The game. Distracting me from what - from the musical chairs where the music has stopped. Today I'm washing clothes and I hardly ever separate the colors and am grateful for the machines. I'll go on a walk soon surely. It's so weird still operating on west coast and east coast time. My favorite time is always lunch time. I wonder if I'll go to the Mexican place that makes me feel less alone.
it all feels slightly pathetic. my fingers are numb. again. why do I need to even exist. I watched a podcast yesterday and apparently Jim Carrey went there in a dark period - interesting. I've always thought that dude's mind would like mine. And then you hit the wall of "oh you think JC would like your mind but you got rejected by a ..."
And you can stay there - on the ground flailing.
if you want.
I wonder if Gene Hackman's novel was any good.
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She checks her phone a million times - this time knowing she won't get a message but just flapping her tendrils trying to find some reason to go on. It was uber dramatic to roll out the suicidal ideation, and it felt equally stupid to just keep on with that haunting thought "why don't I just stay out of everyone's way until I quietly die."
The validation she sought externally was a mixed bag, and although she felt really really really really sorry for the animals, she sometimes ate them.
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